LOH #160: I Now Understand Why He Did What He Did

It's been 17 years since my grandfather who raised me and my role model left us. He and my grandmother were the one who took care of me when I was young and when they couldn't handle my bad attitude and bad grades anymore, they gave me back to my parents. I was silly back then, I would always write my last name the same as my grandfather. Even when he was the strictest, I was spoiled and loved that I wanted him to be my father instead. My grandparents lived in another province so I would visit them during my school breaks, not minding the whole day travel from Cebu, even when I would travel alone.

I was in my first year in college when he died. His kidney was failing and he was undergoing dialysis for months. During my school break, I was so happy because the entire family was there in grandparent's home, except for my father. My uncle and his family were also there. It was a nice school break time for me because of family. My brother and I went back to Cebu because our school break was over, and soon my uncle's family also went back to take care of their business and my cousins' school. My mother was left to tend to my grandmother who's bedridden.

It was November 2006 when I heard news about my grandfather trying to end his life. He drank gasoline, apparently he also had a rope prepared but he survived it all. My heart broke of this news but I had school so I couldn't go back.

One afternoon, he was sitting in his reclined chair and had his last breath. He never woke up anymore.

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As I'm writing this my tears just wouldn't stop. It's been 17 years already, I've moved on but it still pains me that he left without seeing me graduate college nor getting treated by me from my salary. I tried thinking of what letter to write to him but I couldn't find the right words to say to him.

Back then, I would think of fighting for one's life for the sake of the people who'd be left. I didn't question my grandfather of his decisions about why he's trying to end his life with his own hands but I would wanted him to fight, if he could.

However over the years, maybe I've become matured, I think I understood why he wanted to end his life. He didn't want to be a burden to us, and he wanted to leave us with some inheritance. If he would continue his dialysis, that would just continue exhausting his bank account and when it's his time, there's nothing for us anymore. He was thinking of us that's why he let that happen. Or maybe he wanted to end the pain already.

I now understand why he did what he did.

Death is inevitable. It is beyond our control to prevent it from happening. What would you do if you were to learn that your death is imminent? Will you fight for your life to live longer for your loved ones? Or will you keep it not to be a burden to them, and just wait for your time? Explain why?

If this happens to me, I would probably choose what my grandfather did - but not trying to end my life with my own hands. I would wait, even when it would be too painful to do so. I would fight for my life but only until my time ends.

I didn't want to be a burden to anybody else, and I want to at least leave them with my savings. If I continue fighting for my life, there's no assurance that I would live long - this doesn’t mean I lose hope. I’m still hopeful but I don’t want to expect and get disappointed in the end. Besides my savings will just be going to the hospital bills. Hmm, I didn't really like hospitals and being sick.

I wouldn't be so sure if I would be sharing to them that my time is almost up. I really have this tendency to keep things to myself and just inform when it's almost time - I'm not so sure if I would be doing the same for my expiration day. Even if I tell them or not, I would still make fond memories with my loved ones and my friends that I could bring to the afterlife.

If I don't tell my loved ones about my condition, they would probably be sad when I leave, but I don't want to see them in pain and hurting just because they know that my time would be almost up. I want things to be still normal, even when it's not. I'm fine suffering on my own than sharing this burden to others.

I guess this is what I've learned after being independent and living away from my family..? I'm even sick now but my family back home don't know about it. I don't want them to worry about me. They have a lot of worries already and I don't want to add mine.

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Thanks for reading!
See you around! じゃあ、またね！

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With love,

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^{All photos are taken using my phone unless stated otherwise.}