Abstract Conversational with My Best Friend
ROUGH
“Hey, I know you’re having a rough time.”
Silence…… while you just sit there staring off into nothingness.
“It’s okay, it’s really okay. I know what you’re thinking about. We’ve talked about this a lot.”
Finally, you say, “I don’t want to deal with this anymore. What am I supposed to do?”
“I’m not sure what to tell you. Why don’t you talk? I’m here. I’ll listen. Some insight is sure to come from that. You’re not alone with this, even when you feel like you are.”
“You’re the only one who sees me clearly, out of all the people I know. Last night, I told a friend that I’ve given up on society. She responded, ‘if you feel like that, you should go find a tall building and jump off’. I don’t know why she went to suicide as a viable option. I stared at her and told her that’s against my ethics. This from the mouth of someone, from all appearances, is well adjusted? Crazy.”JUMP SPLAT
“That’s a new one. I haven’t heard that before. I wonder what’s going on in her world that she’s not facing, or talking about.”
“There’s no talking to most people these days, unless you want to have fluff conversations, argue about dust, or sing in chorus. You’re right though, what she said doesn’t have anything to do with me. It’s as you’ve described, there are things she doesn’t want to face. That’s a common human Achilles heel. This is one more reason pushing me in the direction of giving up on society.”
“You’ve lost more weight and you don’t need to do that. Are you eating?”
“I’ve been eating a lot less, even when I’m hungry. I don’t want to go through the motions of eating, so I put it off until I have to. What do I want to eat? Nothing. Eating is now a purely mechanical action to keep the body going.MOVE ON
“Why is that?”
“I’m experiencing a general lack of motivation. I don’t know how to get motivated to pretend anymore. It’s causing me to choose to avoid conversations with most people and limit others to what is essential; essential services only. I mean, what’s the point in openly talking to people when met with judgments, personal attacks, expectations, rescue attempts, lack of interest, self-centred attitudes, denial, superficial fixations, and the outright crazy, such as that friend’s suggestion that I suicide myself? I’m better off alone without others, if all I have to choose from is Sweet Nothing.
Being alone and isolated from others of like mind wears on me. It has for a long time. I’m a classic ‘misfit’ in society, the ‘outsider’. I’ve pretended not to be in order to ‘survive’, but only to the degree the situation required.”
“This pretending that you do, it’s dragged you down when you’ve given in to it. Something has shifted for you. It’s obvious you can’t go back to life as it was, that’s all over with.”
“Yes, that’s all over with. I didn’t think I’d grieve like this. It’s the big picture of what it all means that’s causing a whole new kind of grief. It’s not about just me. That would be an easy fix.”EXPANSION
“This grief, is it all encompassing, beyond your personal circumstances?”
“It is. I’m no stranger to grief. It’s familiar. This level of it expanding out beyond me and my personal circumstances is not something I’ve encountered before. Additionally, I’ve always had support when working through grief. This time I don’t have that. I feel isolated. I’ve only shared the details of this with you because it’s safe to do so. I need someone to listen, confirmation I’m not alone, and sometimes to bounce thoughts off of, so I can see what I’m missing.”
“When you have no one, I’m always here. You know that. What else is going on?”
“I made some difficult decisions recently. I’ve started steps in a new direction. Every step I take reminds me that I’m letting go of what was. Grief punches in and tanks my motivation for anything beyond what must be done in the moment. Then I have to pause. That’s how it’s been the last while. Step, pause, purge. Step, pause, purge. Step, pause, purge. Dangling in the dance.”
“You don’t want it to be like this, do you?”
“No. It’s not how I saw the rest of my life being, not that life before was without a funhouse of twisted mirrors. At that time though, I had options I don’t have now. There’s no point drowning in denial and resisting. I’ll have to work this through, piece by piece, as I let go and create something new.”
“What are you creating?”
“There’s no defined anything right now. I’ve moved into unknown terrain. I can’t describe it because I can’t visualize beyond the odd wispy whisper. I’m walking in the dark, feeling my way, looking for light to point direction.”DIRECTION
All photos taken by Nine with a Pentax digital 35mm camera and 90mm Tamron macro lens.
Yay! 🤗
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wonderful. Your words are as amazing as the photos, What I've realised lately is that life has no narrative, just a collection of crap that happens. I used to believe that there was some Karma and that things would balance out to a happy ending but I now understand that there really is no rhyme or reason to any of this, might as well just do the best we can and deal with the moment as best we can. (This is as close as I can express what this post says to me, I need to go to bed)
Thank you @ammonite. I'm never sure if some of my stranger photographs are appealing to others. I think you can write your own narrative, carve it the way you visualize, so to speak in carving language. It's all in how you decide to shape it. I don't think there's a happy ending either. I don't recall a time when I ever saw life that way. Happiness is more of an internally rooted thing, rather than something outside oneself that is temporary and ever-changing.
In the moment, day by day, is the best I find, although, not always so easy to do. I hope you got some rest. Thanks for your support, always enjoy hearing from you.
I love your expressive universe in words and images !!!
It provokes powerful evocations in me ... Thank you :)
Thank you @ancolie, I'm so glad you enjoyed. Thank you for your support!
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Indeed...
Wonderful writing as always! Whenever I start a day reading one of your posts it leaves me with good food for thoughts and makes my day feel different.
Thanks and wish you a great day! 🤗
Thank you @trippymane, I'm really happy hearing that. I hope you have a good day yourself and thanks for your support! 🤗
Manual selection by @cliffagreen.
Thank you!
Awwwwww......
Hello, I would like to argue about dust please.
!PIZZA
Okay, let's get this dust show on the road, what's your favourite flavour of dust to argue about?
Grape.
Let's argue about grape dust. Red wine rules, but it has to red wine up to my standards. My standards are better than any other standards, so just trust that I'm right there.
#firstdustargument
#grapedust
How do you feel about merlot dust?
Hmmm, well, I used to like merlot more but my tastes have gone to Italian Shiraz.
Pssshhh. The Italians don't know jack about dust.
That's because you're not Italian and are probably biased against their tastes.
I'm American therefore I am biased against everyone who isn't American. And also against everyone who disagrees with me. Your dust sucks. God bless America.
I'm half American and half Canadian so your dust point has pointedly left in the dust. Try again.
I'm changing the topic to whiskey dust. Jack says I'm right about the Italians.
If you're talking whiskey dust, Irish whiskey is the only whiskey worth drinking.
Jack disagrees with you.
Jack knows Jack S**". Who the heck is Jack? Sounds Jack and Jilly in the hillies to me.
He's a pretty good guy, at least until he starts drinking then he's kind of a dick. What are we arguing about again?
Dick dust when drinking?
Either that or whiskey dick. I don't remember anymore.
Always claim that you don't remember. It fits for any situation, therefore an excellent tool in the box.
@dandays, really don't know why you're missing out here, oh right, you have more important things to do like sleep.
:yaaawwwwnn: What's that? 😑 It's dark in here.
I don't know why you're yawning when you were already awake for a couple hours before commenting.
Do you know what I'm wearing too?
Pink of course.
They don't say I'm _____ for no reason. Btw, saw your post, I've not had time yet to savour and am heading out the door, so I'll be stopping by a little later on. 💖
Take your time. It's just me being serious again, you know, political try to change the world jargon like I always do.
Freaking hilarious, now that I'm alive again after yesterday.
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Anyone who suggests suicide really does need help. Encouraging someone to throw their life away is wrong on so many levels.
Tell me about it. One of the strangest things I've heard. Not something I'd ever say to anyone under any circumstances. It's best to avoid people like that.
Thanks for checking my post out. I know I haven't been by for a while and you're on my list to stop by and catch up. Last weekend computer died, so that was an unexpected challenge on top of a full plate, lol. I had an extra old one, so was grateful for that. I'll pop by very soon.
Have missed you, am glad it was just a hardware issue... I think you might like a few things I posted - including a new episode of Just Down The Road :)
!PIZZA !ALIVE
Thanks. Complete replacement and still getting things set up as I had it. Differences in OS, so more to deal with. Lots on my plate before that happened. It's more work and time since there's no one to assist me with anything. I'm not complaining, just wanted to give you an idea as to why I am quiet at times, while I juggle offline demands.
I'll take a look at Just Down The Road, thanks.
If you need help with the computer stuff, just ask :)
!PIZZA !ALIVE
Thank you so much, I'll let you know if I do. 😊
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hey this is stunning. The images are so evocative with the inner monologue you write up. Bless!
Thank you @aagabriel, I really appreciate hearing that. I know you have an eye for art and see where I'm going with these weird abstract photos, LOL. 😂💖
Yes, Yes I Do. I am intrigued , my curiosity piqued by your photos that i am almost tempted to go there. Alas but goign there was all astral in this day and age. Anyone could go there /./
Thanks 😁
It's a trend of the day, astral. I'd rather travel nowhere outside, everywhere inside, without moving, while wide awake. While I slept last night, in my dream I was aware of watching myself sleeping in the waking world, where I was very tired, there was a series of these sleeping views.
:O
😂
😤
The last dream, I was moving around. No sleeping this time. 😉 Still tired though.
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funny... or not so funny. more interesting, and odd. I just went something so similar, but it was during/after covid. That ripped my brain out, squeezed it like a sponge and left nothing.
nothing.
i never felt "nothing" before. until then.
i've felt sad. I've felt angry. I've felt angry that I'm sad, and sad that i'm angry. I've felt depression that led to despair that led to surrender into the depths.
but that FELT.
but the covid - or the whatever it is.. brought nothing. it was not so strange at the time, because I really didn't have the faculty to deem it strange. But after - looking back. I remember thinking - how strange. to feel nothing.
I remember when i started to logically decide that I clearly needed something again. but my spirit felt so unmotivated to step up to the challenge.
I dont' know if you believe in prayer. I know some people (like us) that have experienced terror, and the splits and shakes that come from it... for years of torment - believe that if there was a God, He certainly wouldn't have allowed those things.
I am one of the ones that believes that He cries with us, and He certainly has the power to negate all evil and make us into robots that obey obey obey. But that's not His style, and so since He gives us will, and chooses to allow the consequences of them... we live in this broken world for a time. But... I also believe that His Mercy is an unusual dose of blessing in ways that we could never have imagined
Now, I have a gift of being hypersensitive to other's pain, and can often sense things (as you mentioned in your other post). The other day I was pressed to pray over you. And I thought it was .... not silly - but... I didn't know what to pray at first. I remember saying - Of course I'll pray for her, but what? Tell me what.
And the word "HOPE" came to me. and so I prayed, and prayed hard for that for you.
I didn't reach out - intentionally. I waited momentarily (until today) and now I know why I was supposed to pray for hope for you.
This will pass. that's not just a trite saying - this WILL pass. Everything passes.
You will have motivation again. and joy, and light will filter in through the dark. the dark will most likely always leave those indelible scars. But sometimes, the scars become a thing of beauty to us.
Because scars are the body's way of knitting skin back together. It's victory. Dead bodies don't knit scars. Only the ones that survive do.
And you're not just a survivor. You're very much more.
this comment was a longer one. and i've said enough . Love
I’m wondering if the “nothing” you experienced is similar to my experiences of “nothing”. I don’t want to assume it is the same, since the experiences I had with it differed from each other and great lengths of time in between. By feeling “nothing”, do you mean apathy?
I believe that others believe in prayer, so I know you mean good intentions and I really appreciate that. Some might call what I do prayer, although I wouldn’t ever describe it that way, nor do I know how to describe it/label it, LOL.
I do walk a spiritual path, it’s just not affiliated with any belief system.
I didn't reach out - intentionally. I waited momentarily (until today) and now I know why I was supposed to pray for hope for you.
I read your entire comment, cried, then had to pause before replying. Thank you for this. I keep getting messages about hope. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to hope for and why I’m getting that repeated message. It’s all been recent too. It’s lined up exactly with the timing of a change I started making. So, I’m going to have to sit with this a bit more and let it unlock fully. I have some sense of what this is about, but it’s rather like foggy wisps at the moment. Your comment is like a message sent in a bottle that washed up on the beach at the moment I walked by in the sand.
You’re right, everything does pass. So many beautiful things you’ve said here and I agree about scars. Thank you so much @dreemsteem. 💖
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missing you... you ok? :)
missing you... you ok? :)
(I'm not trolling. I stopped by for the same reason and saw you beat me to it. It's an echo)
57 comments?! Very nice @nineclaws
I went to the void seeking information and it took a while to come back.
You, troll, nah, you'd need to up your game there boyo!
I have 57 comments? Thank you!
Hey, thanks for asking @dreemsteem. Ongoing stuff-things and then a few more added to my plate, so I had to take a time out to deal with real life.
I get it... and I am always ok with waiting... hehehe
I thought about checking on you in discord - but figured if you are overwhelmed here - most likely that is across the board hehehee
so i didn't cross into there LOLOL
hope your plate is clearing??
Thanks for getting that. I figured you would. Yeah, been off discord too, you're right, I do all across the board. Usually it's not for too long, but if I'm gone for two or three months, it might be a different situation, lol.
Ongoing things on my plate, things I won't speak of publicly. Caught a little break yesterday, so taking advantage of that.
Hey Nine. I'm not into telling others what to do when they feel like this but I just want to say I get it. I've been there, you'll find a way to get through it, you just have to decide to keep on trucking so to speak - whatever that may look like to you - do that.
The "friend" with that interesting advice, uhm, I would say steer cleer of that kind of crap, it's not useful even though we may all feel like that sometimes, it really doesn't help to reinforce a feeling of needing direction by suggesting jumping off a building.
Society has been shit for ages already, but I think this whole Covid story and the lockdowns has made a lot more people aware of how badly society has degraded. It's a flawed system to begin with to be honest.
Anyhoo, the world has gone mad and we're in the fallout. At least there are some of us that aren't going to be caught off guard.
Day by day in the present moment, slowing down and taking time out is my usual approach.
The night I took the photos in this post is the same night that happened. It was raining, cold, and dark. I was very covered up to keep warm, so you couldn't tell who I was. She is someone who lives in a state of fear and started looking over at me, scared I might do something and didn't recognize me. I initiated the conversation so she'd know it wasn't someone intending harm towards her (someone taking photographs of light reflections is scary in her world I guess). I regretted it afterwards.
Next day I sent her the post and pointed out a few things in a respectful way. I find out she was absolutely serious, not joking whatsoever and was totally focused on the me-me-me song. I set a boundary with her to stay away from me. I just found the whole thing to be the most bizarre experience when I was having quiet moments with my camera.
Very, very true. I've been watching for a long while and it seems to go back in time to some point that I can't identify, but a very long time before my time here.
Also very true. Thank you @andrastia.