Keep on Shining...
“It is a crowning moment to witness someone realise that you love yourself more than you love them. That you want yourself more than you want them. I will become a collector of such crowns, they shall line my walls and windows.”
― C. JoyBell C.
Shine on you crazy diamond is the song, in fact – the mood too. Interestingly enough, also my very first tweet of the day.
There has been a LOT swirling in my sphere of late… literally rollercoaster ride enough to make even the toughest constitution ill. Pulled left, yanked to the right and then again in reverse… all the while, I stand in the middle contemplating the “me” of it all. When does the “I” actually get a chance to shine all on its own?! I am guessing never… if I don’t actually stand up and make that decision – stick my feet in the ground!
I may be a person that can make hard and fast business decisions, but when it comes to matters of emotion – I am a different being entirely… weaker really – or perhaps the word I am looking for is “vulnerable”. People of all shapes, sizes and personalities seem to sniff this out in a millisecond and I always end up with the short fncking stick - my own doing, yes – but one which I am working on changing.
I guess what I am saying is that I just don’t have enough petrol left in me to take on the pressures of others. I have literally spent a lifetime doing precisely that and not only is my own tank empty, reserve drained, dried and depleted but I stand realising that in this instance there is nothing left for me… no fuel for me to push my own boat forward. Now, more than ever I want to raise my sails but in order to do this, I am going to have to put myself first and others second. I wonder if they will understand?! Likely not – because that is humans for you…
I will do it regardless, because I have waited long enough. Easy - No! Necessary… absolutely yes! Maturity is a curious thing really… when we need it, we don’t have it and when we have it we are never entirely sure what the fnck to do with it! We weigh up 101 potential outcomes to one single situation. Give that dilemma to a kid and he will have one solution for one dilemma. Adults complicate things. I have long since been of the opinion that us “adults” should try and learn from kids… and where I stand right now in my life, I am actually trying to exercise exactly that! What does that mean? Well, in simplicity – it means I act on how I feel and NOT by what is “expected of me”. I am SO tired of auto-operating just so that others get what they want. I am also fncking tired of not getting what I need, let alone want… and so the change brews!
Other people often seem to have greater visions of “YOU” than even you have for yourself… and perhaps this leaves them somewhat disappointed… disgruntled even. I just don’t have time nor energy anymore for fncking DRAMA! The world seems to thrive on it, right to the smallest form – and I want no part in it!!!! I have had my fair share and you know what, it all ends up in the same place – and that is no longer a space which I consciously choose to occupy – I will smile and wave baby… smile and fncking wave!!!
“The foundation of your self-esteem should come from within. That's where real confidence starts. So if you're not already in the habit of telling yourself why you're awesome, start doing that NOW.” ― Ranatta Philip
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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I'll give you some of my fuel...It's probably a little different than your own, but should help nonetheless, and I happily offer it that you may push forward.
One more thing is that when you getting older, you have realised lots of thing from the past which keep help you to conduct your future plan and life style, more ever gather experience with wisdom and maturity, have a great day.
It's been too long since I stopped by Jaynie! But I'm getting back into the swing of things these days, as rainy season is coming here in Thailand, so that means more time indoors and that means more time on my computer.
What an interesting post! Really enjoyed it. I really like the ending. No time for Drama! So true. I got out of my last relationship about 10 months ago, this person carried with her a lot of fear and anxiety, caused a lot of Drama. Now I have been very happy in a relationship with a Thai Buddhist girl. Like zero drama at all! Amazing the difference it makes how one is raised. She is from Hilltribe and didn't even grow up with a TV, she was almost always out in nature her whole childhood, even with a campfire every single night. She is a true breath of fresh air compared to the fear based thinking of many girls I dated in the past.
So, life is still good for me. Just been hanging in Thailand since March of last year. Hope you are doing well too. Also with the price up just added you to my auto voter to give your blog a little more support. I'll try to stop by when I can. Keep up the great work! -Dan
Your content has been voted as a part of Encouragement program. Keep up the good work!
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If people, who you aren't responsible for, want to pile their problems on you, then it is time to detach yourself from those people. It might be hard to do, but no point in having them handicap you to the floor when you can dance in the lights.
I think you need a !BEER
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BEER.I loved the first quote. It is beautiful. To love yourself first and the most is the best choice as only then you can offer more to others. It is not selfish to put yourself first, it is actually necessary in this modern world to learn the art of self love.