Begin Again

I guess every day is a new beginning. On its own, that sentiment sounds just delightful.

It is not really, because every day is just another day of breathing. Possibly if you have something to do then at least a person can get over that initial shock of waking up and just get to it.

Then it depends if something to do is something you could finish. I think that is sort of the basis for most self-help gobshite. Although it is good to know how you respond to good 'ol dopamine hits.

So starting a day, getting over the sad fact of still breathing and then having a glimmer of hope that it will be a good day because you got something to do that actually tickles your fancy. Not so bad that.

Now maybe you don't finish it, and it turns out the thing is far more complex than expected... or as usual, in my case, I am just too stupid. Although I do look smart cause of how I comb my hair.

Definitely a life hack that one.

Anyway, so then you start hitting a cycle, and notice we are not talking about day jobs. It is simple when it comes to day jobs. They are horrible, and you do need to be focusing almost solely on doing anything else to forget the fact that you at first have to trudge through 8 hours of tedium.

I am talking about all those other things, learning something new, building stuff or even finishing a game you looked forward to.

For me it seems like all these things I do try to turn into a routine, find a happy medium where it is all built around 8 hours of hell and countering those hours spent not flicking shit in people's faces.

There just are so many parts to it, and not so many hours in the day.

No matter how driven a new hobby or goal can make you feel which helps swoosh through to the end of the day , if you cannot finish it in suitable timeframe even it will start to feel rotten.

These things stack and maybe you start something else but have this nagging or are bound to the commitment of the thing before.

You can't do anything else then, you are trapped. Do you go nuclear and blow things to hell?

I think the urge is always there and more so if it is tied to people. The biggest thing to keep from feeling claustrophobic in a project is not even keeping it simple and or managing time.

It does seem to be to remove all connection and reliance on other people. Obviously different endeavours call for different dependencies but for the most part you should be able to meet those yourself.

I do things to get through the day and because I find them interesting, so maybe a lot is only applicable to me. Getting through the day means countering and diminishing any effect work has on me, from the tedium to the interactions with people who think that their work matters to me.

There are more than enough chains tieing me down into a choke hold at work, the last thing I need is to have those same things apply outside.

To be fair I realise I also gravitate towards certain types of projects and or interests or hobbies and they do come with things that I inherently dislike. I tend to still try and sever those things like interaction and reliability but when it comes down to it, I still need to finish something for me.

Fortunately, I think I am quite selfish and self-absorbed which pushes me to finish something because it will make me feel better.

Many things are not even a big deal, the things that can feel like they tie you down I mean. It is when you hit a begin-again loop and something just drags on almost stagnantly that even the most mundane thing can seem suffocating.

It will always happen, I know, there is no fix, and in the end, there is no end. Push through and finish something, and with repetition, a person will be better at that I guess or learn to drop something sooner rather than later, again repetition.

You will do well in the cycle but in the end, there is no end and something somehow will slip through and you will feel trapped and every day will just feel like beginning again.