The Silent Weight of Post Trauma

Many people struggle with PTSD silently after some terrifying experiences. To some persons, they heal almost immediately, while some carry the scars for many years, if not a lifetime, but then, I have come to realize that traumas of any kind don't leave a visible scar on our bodies but get them wounded in our hearts or minds, and that's the bad kind of trauma.

Only you can vividly understand what you are going through, no one else, and it can eat you slowly without you realizing it. I know this because I have been there.

Seven years ago, my husband and I experienced a terrifying moment with my son when he first had a seizure that made him unconscious for hours, and he could breathe using oxygen at the emergency department in the hospital. It happened like a movie; I wanted to wake up from the dream, but unfortunately, it was my reality. We have both never experienced such from any child while we were growing up, and so the experience shattered our hearts with so much fear and the feeling of helplessness. In fact, I can't totally explain the experience by writing, but it was emotionally exhausting.

After the whole situation was resolved and he became stable, the fear never left me. I started living in the shadow of myself. Every single body change in the life of my child, my heart will skip, a little complaint of headache from him, or vomit, I wouldn't sleep anymore; I will be awake all through the night watching him to be sure it doesn't lead to seizure.

Sadly, it happened to him in school one of the days that made his school run helter-skelter to the nearest hospital. Ever since that event too, I have been traumatized. Once I receive a call from his teacher, I will be tense; the shiver and the stammering on the phone are nothing to write home about. I have begged his teacher and the school admin to stop calling me during the school hours because I could faint one day seeing their calls. Any call from them, I will conclude that the seizure has started again in school. I have suffered so much emotionally; I can't explain it all.

Even when I step out to the market or for an event and my sister living with me calls me on the phone, my heart skips. I will feel she is calling because of my son again; the trauma is real. Even with the way he has been stable for a long time, the fear hasn't disappeared. No doubt, the scars of the past experiences are still very much fresh in my heart and mind.

My mind is always preparing for danger, with no calmness at all; it's bad. But then gradually, I kept settling emotionally through faith, prayers, and support from my family and great friends. They never allowed me to carry the burden alone, and I kept moving from strength to strength, knowing that I was not alone.

I am not expecting my healing to happen overnight, but I know it's possible; it's only a matter of time.

This post is in response to the Hive Learners prompt on the topic titled, POST TRAUMA.

Image is mine!