New year resolutions nobody talks about

Another year, another time to pretend to have socially acceptable resolutions to show that you're "growing" as a person. Whereas. the only part likely to grow is your belly, Here are some resolutions we all think about but never share:

1. I resolve to call my parents more: Mom, I know you're lonely, but if you talk about me getting married or having a kid every single time we speak, I can't.
   So, I resolve to tune out the nagging and just chime in with hmm, okay while working on Excel datasets.

2. I resolve to zone out: No, I can't meditate. It makes me itchy and restless. But for 10 minutes, I will just stare into space without a thought in my head, then return to a million things buzzing in my head. But for 10 minutes, I resolve to give my machine a rest.

3. I resolve to crash diet and call it intermittent fasting: Nope, we know the world consists of two types of people: those who can stick to a healthy, nutritional diet and the others who try every fad diet but evade the most important diet ever- discipline.

4. I resolve to send my old friends a new meme: My friend from sixth grade who would swap lunchboxes with me—you are awesome. Although, as a writer, I should be able to send you long paragraphs of text expressing how important you are, I am an idiot. So, at least I can send you a funny meme to put a smile on your face.

5. I resolve to eat better simply by ordering out less: As a kid, when you have no money, you can look at the food you adore like a Darwinian orphan but still go back to good ol' home-cooked food. As an adult, instant gratification is just a click away. I want to order less, save more money.

6. I resolve to gossip less: This is a bad habit. I live vicariously through some juicy gossip, so this year I just want to break the chain and gossip less, and maybe even try to be the gossip fodder myself.(flips hair).
   

7. I resolve to remember the horrible feeling of a hangover: Every single time I drink, it is followed by two hours of pleasure and twelve hours of pain. It baffles me why I want to introduce acid into my body that feels like it is eating my insides. So, this year, I'll try to remember that feeling and drink less.