I AM TO BLAME!

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I remember writing a post where I wrote of no longer flinching when I look in the mirror. The reason I gave is that I now value and love myself the way I should. Having this in mind, does that mean that all has fallen into place and all is perfect? Absolutely not!

I'd like to think that the journey to greatness first lies within you. To be able to match up and catch the train, we must do the needful and find ourselves first. In a world where you have no idea who you are supposed to be, people would decide for you and their decisions are not always pretty.

When I saw the blogging idea for the week, I only had one thing on my mind. The person who would be hindering me from my progress is me. Whenever I look in the mirror, I see the person responsible for my decisions, failures, mistakes and successes.

There was something I heard in my late teens that still rings in my head. I heard it from a man on TV during one stormy night. He said, "If your grandparents were poor, it wasn't your parents fault. If your parents are poor it isn't your fault either but when you end up poor, you are completely to blame."

I also read John Maxwell when he explained the loss of tension and the beginning of death. The death being the death of growth and as a result, the death of potentials. I know there is a lot of work to be done on myself. I have noticed the pattern I have and trust me when I say it is easy to see but very difficult to do.

I know the things hindering me from reaching my peak. I keep promising to let go but I find it really hard to. I'll tell you why.

One time last year, I decided to rip off the band aid and just pull the plug. I quote the bible, "...the violent take it by force." So, I just stopped altogether and decided to face other things. I tried to fill my life with things that are good and would help me achieve all I have set out to.

It was going great and I wasn't feeling like sh*t on most days. But along the line, I began to feel really empty. I was caught between this feeling of resentment and absolute loss, like I lost an important part of me. I felt empty on most days and those were the times my anger knew no bounds. I kept going, hoping it would all stop and I'd be stronger, better.

It didn't. I did. I wasn't strong enough and just stopped. I picked up those habits once again and it felt good to be back. But deep down, I knew it was so wrong. I knew I had to stop. What did I do after that realization?

Nothing for the most part until I looked (really looked) at the mirror one time and hated what I saw. I hated how weak I felt in that moment. One thing I despise is feeling helpless or at the mercy of something. So, I told myself I would pick up the pieces again and try to fight my way out of the chains. Did I? No. I did not. Really sad huh?

Anyway, what I am trying to say is, I know where my problem lies. What I don't know or understand is why I am so hesitant to really work on them. I do understand that I am scared of losing a part of myself. All my parts make me. Letting one go, wouldn't that cause an unbalance?

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When I hear the term Let go, I visualize the burning of so many things. I can't tell you how hard it has been to really get over the nasty things. I have an aunt whose mission is to ruin mine and my mom's life. She hates us for no reason and her purpose is to make sure we are not comfortable.

I remember writing here of how she made people believe that, while I was busy trying to survive under harsh working conditions, I was selling myself. I found out and it was not pretty. The hatred I felt in that moment would have landed me in real prison. The other time before this one, she made people (who were willing to listen) that I was in jail for a treacherous crime. I was in jail at that time but I never committed any crime and God knows it. I was falsely accused and was an unfortunate scapegoat to bullies who wanted to flaunt their power.

Till date, I get flashes of these moments and I won't lie and say that I haven't sat down to plot how to make these people pay. My mom was locked with me just for being a mother to me. But in the end, I had to recognize how bitter those memories made me. Forgiving wasn't easy at all. I never hated until then and it scared me the length I was willing to go to get my revenge.

Yet, this poison slowly killed me and I just wanted to live without being so burdened. I decided to forgive and it wasn't easy. It wasn't. Talking about it isn't easy either but, it gives relief. It's like grieving. It is so easy to get lost in the grip of resentment and anger, to point fingers and actually justify ourselves. Yes, these circumstances were responsible for the road bumps but our response matters a lot.

Letting go of things can prove difficult but we have to give up a lot of things to be who we want to be.

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My response to the KISS WEEK 55

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