50 Shades of My Life

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I've been wanting to write about myself for sometime now. You know, just a tiny bit about my life and stuff happening around me but I kept pushing it away. Before my Mama passed, I was going to see a doctor. Got a few recommendations from a trusted friend and I was willing to pursue them. At that time, I was really loosing it. And I needed to keep things together not just for her but for myself too. At that point in my life, I couldn't afford to break down. I still don't know how I managed to keep everything together. Then it all happened so fast and she died on me. It was as if everything was forgotten. There was this bleakness and I was so freaking exhausted. She was actually getting better and I was happy and hopeful for the first time in months. I wanted to be angry at her but I couldn't. I know how much she suffered and I wouldn't have wished for that to continue no matter how much I want her here.

I got so focused on her death that I forgot that my mental health was still a mess. The grief, the funeral. That also happened so fast and I had to leave immediately after. I haven't really cried and grieved. I'm more angry at myself than heartbroken, when I'm not too tired to lift a finger. Maybe she would still be here if I had done things differently, if I had listened more. Maybe I would have come to terms with it by now if I had loved her more, looked after her more. It's all coming back, and it's only a matter of time before it shatters. The tears are always here, on the surface but they can't see to fall. They're just there but I can't reach them.


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Random image I took


Recently, I lost something I've been pursuing for some time now. I waited for two years but I still lost in the end. Life hasn't been looking so meaningful to me. Everything I believe in seems to be becoming a lie. I'm a little ashamed to admit this but I haven't got any reason to hope on anything right now. It's all so empty. I can't even do the things I would do on a normal day. I just watch people go by and the activities go with them. I think the most difficult part is not letting my sister see this because I don't know how to explain. I have no idea where to begin. How I still manage to write is a mystery. I don't know how it happens. I think the most embarrassing of it all is that my sex drive becomes mad whenever I'm like this. Don't ask.

Lagos found me yesterday. I was on the road for almost ten hours. My butts are recovering, thank you. Honestly, I need the distance and the peace. The part of the city where I am is very quiet and I'm grateful for that, knowing how noisy Lagos can be. I hope I can finally grieve and heal, possibly find myself again. I might be getting ill too but it could just be the hours I spent on the road.

I called the doctor this morning and we already agreed on something. She lives in Abuja so I don't know how it's going to be but we'll sure work it out. It took me days to finally pick up the phone and call. After my first experience, I wasn't sure but I'm willing to try again. I cried a little too, so I think it's a good start. I've got a lot of things to say still, but o can't put them into words. One moment I'm comfortable and before you know it, I'm feeling suffocated.


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Still here? Thanks for reading about my sorry life. May we find what we're looking for.

I'll go back to staring at the mute TV now while I figure out what to do with myself for the day.



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