Grudging and deeply personal recollections and sufferings of a recurring alcoholic

I spent from the age of 16 (something like 1966) as a burgeoning yet
functioning Alcoholic and drug user.
By the time I got my first DUI (Driving Under the Influence) I had
already been through my stint in the Air Force, where my alcohol
and drug use exPLODED and got me discharged.

^{This is me just out of Basic Training in 1976}
Before the Air Force, what we called "street drugs" were relatively
easy to find, even in my small town in South Ga.
At any time you could find "White Cross"
(some sort of amphetamine popular with truck drivers), Occasionally
LSD in pill form under various names, you might be told you were
buying Mescaline (which comes from Peyote), But it would turn
out to be LSD in fact.
Being an agrarian area, "Magic Mushrooms"(psilocybin) could be found,
but that was risky.
Cocaine was not really available to my group or contacts, and was too
Expensive.
That would change.
I had a critical event not long after I got to my duty base in Arizona, where
I was sexually abused by a superior officer. This was LONG before
Don't Ask, Don't Tell, he was an officer, if I reported this, who would they
Believe? Him or me, and in any case my future in the Air Force and after
Would be forever changed and tainted.
So I never told anyone.
This is my FIRST PUBLIC REVELATION about this "event".

^{None of these was the abuser, though one of these tried}
Prior to and for a long time after "THE EVENT" (which actually continued
For several months) I was REALLY GOOD at my job, I advanced in rank,
but
Internally my self esteem had been degraded. I began drinking more and
More heavily, now I could also afford (occasionally) to buy Coke and snort
It, even doing it intravenously and Pot was ever present.
I began take stupid risks while hiking, driving etc..I wrecked my car on
Mt Lemmon (drunk) with two friends along with me. It is by pure
Chance no one was hurt, but that was my last automobile for years.

^{This photo was taken for the SAC Magazine, when I was named:
Strategic Air Command NCO of the Month, in something like 1978}
So the time came when the IG (Inspector General) landed to evaluate our
Wing, we passed with Flying colors, until a small clerical mistake was
discovered.
Due to my having Been sent to a brief alcohol treatment program,
which removed my PRP (Personnel Reliability Program) certification,
I was never re-certified before being sent back to work.
This meant that for about 4 months a Non Certified Person had
been working in a Class A Nuclear Weapon facility, had access to
Top Secret encrypted material etc....

^{All because a mistake THEY made, by losing that paper and not getting me recertified}
My Squadron Commander, in his full Dress Blues, showed up at my dorm
Room door on a Sunday afternoon.
He explained all this, said that an IG member was waiting for me at the
Flight Surgeon, where he would ask me some questions to see if I were
Capable of being PRP Certified. He said, for me to be COMPLETELY
HONEST, but he also emphasized that the WING STATUS depended on
My answers.
I went. The questions were basically this.
Do you drink to the point of Intoxication more than:
A. once a year? (yes)
B. once a month? (yes)
C. once a week? (yes)
^{In all honesty and fairness, everyone I knew who drank at all would have said
yes to all of those questions. I COULD have lied, perhaps I should have, but I have
Always and still do try to be scrupulously honest.
Had I lied, what would that have done for my self esteem?}

So, this caused my entire WING, two OPS Squadrons, and the
Maintenance Sq. To all be marked as "UNSATISFACTORY".
Otherwise the eval was spotless.

Three weeks later, at 4:30 AM on Monday morning, our dorm,
all three floors of All the enlisted members of all the Ops and
Maint Squadrons were subjected to
The FIRST "Health and Welfare" inspection in nearly 10 yrs.

28 people were busted for various things, mostly pot and
smoking apparatus, But some for drugs as well. They were allowed to
Cross train and remain in the Military.
Being an NCO^{(Non Commissioned Officer, the only one in the building)} I had a
Room to myself.
When they came to my door, I was almost unconscious drunk,
I went to the day Room and lay down on the floor, until they
came and got me. Taking me back to my room, I strip searched, then
I was shown the CLEAN GLASS ASHTRAY, where sat a 'roach'
(The small burnt remains of a joint). I'd had some friends over Sun
night, but I have no recollection of that getting there.

Because I was an NCO, and I was supposed to hold to a higher standard,
they tried to give me an Article 15 with a GENERAL DISCHARGE.
A "General Discharge" would have wiped out my chance at getting any VA
Benefits etc... so I fought it, for 4 months I pulled in letters of recommendation
From every past crew commander I could contact and would agree to say,
In writing, "Airman Smith was an exemplary member under my command,
I never saw any evidence of drug or alcohol use while he was on duty with
Me or our crew."
I pulled out all my yearly PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS ( all marked as
SUPERLATIVE, promote this man) but it did no good except that I
DID GET MY HONORABLE DISCHARGE.
But I was still out. I had three days to get off base.

I had no contingency plans, I really hoped I would have been allowed to
Cross train LIKE ALL THE OTHER 28 PEOPLE BUSTED IN THAT RAID.

My life for the next 20+ yrs was a cycle or work odd jobs during the day
Play music on the weekends, drink and smoke (by now I had graduated
To crack Cocaine) all my money away.
Each time I got a DUI, I would pay the fine, got through the court ordered
Probation (AA Meetings and drug tests) and each time I was done, I'd go
Right back.
Finally, I graduated to the "Habitual Violator" status of DUI, which meant
I lost my drivers license for FIVE YEARS, even after paying the fines etc..
After the SECOND TIME I lost it for 5 yrs, I determined I would not try to
Get my license back, because it cost too much each time, and I would just
Lose it again because I was still drinking.

Unless you've been there, you cannot know what a hopeless life this was
To be leading. After one suicide attempt, I was sent to a 28 day rehab.
Didn't really help, but it was a beginning.

So I will now stop giving out the sordid details of my horrible past, to
Fast forward to 2003.
At this point, I had lost the home I grew up in (mama had signed it
Over to me in a quit-claim deed, so I could get a loan and go to
School for Computers. I did that for almost 9 months, did well too)
After 3 more years of being evicted from one apartment after another,
All my bridges in my small town were burnt.
I placed MYSELF into a 6 week long, IN PATIENT, bible based 12 step
Program.
Since I made the choice, this time it meant something.
I got 5 months sober out of that before I relapsed.
My self esteem was still broken, I was still carrying around the
Results of "THE EVENT" which I had still never spoken off to anyone
inside myself, so inside, I don't think I DESERVED to be sober and
Dare I say it, HAPPY
Another 4 yrs of staying on the streets of Brunswick Ga, or in the
Salvation Army Men's Shelter (where I learned that I had no
Trouble whatsoever staying clean and sober as long as I was in a
Program or facility) I once again, put MYSELF into the
"Homeless Veterans Domiciliary Program" in Dublin Ga.
This meant that for 6 months, you lived IN THE HOSPITAL, with
Curfews and random testing, classes or work programs IN the
Hospital in the morning, and work OUTSIDE in the community
In the afternoon.
Again, I had no problem whatsoever remaining clean and sober.
Riding my bicycle to anywhere outside the front gate, I had to
Pass a liquor store. No problem.
By the time I had to leave, I had gotten a VERY GOOD JOB,
Working as a telephone switchboard operator for the VA
IN THE HOSPITAL. This was in 2007, $15 per hr was beyond
Anything I'd ever imagined, plus they matched it with deposits
Into a 401K (I didn't work FOR the VA, it was a Civilian company
Subcontracted to the VA)
For the first couple of months, I worked ALONE, from 3-10 pm.
Then, now that I had my own rental, I would stop at that
Liquor store and buy TWO TALL Ice House beer. No more.
That lasted for about a month ½, when for the weekends,
I began buying pints of cheap vodka. Then larger bottles.

When they moved me to work during the day, with 3 other
Operators and people walking in and out of the room, my
Supervisor (who tried very hard to be my friend) saw that
I was still very hung over/still drunk, and 3 times pulled me
Out and pleaded with me to go home sick, it wouldn't hurt me
Or cause me problems.
But I was hard headed, I didn't believe I was still drunk, it had
Been 18 hrs since my last drink. So I didn't go. After that 3d time,
He took me to the VA Police office, where I was given a
Breathalyzer test, showed up as legally drunk, and was fired.

After about 5 months working, I had a fair amount saved up
Plus the 401k. I boozed, I smoked crack, I tried to work at
Two different jobs, but my body was just a wreck.
Finally, on July 2 2008, I gave up and moved in with my sister
Back home. Mar 3 2009, I moved up here to Atlanta with another
Relative.
By now, I'd had about 24 months sober, I was getting Anti Depressants
From the VA, plus Pain Meds for my back. I found I really didn't have
The desire to drink any more, but my self esteem....
New Years Eve 2014, I was alone at my relatives house and would be
For almost 2 weeks. I went and bought a pint of cheap vodka.
Upon finishing it, I immediately started thinking about how could I
Get another one (without driving); I had ignited that fire in my gut.
I didn't go get another one.
2016, I moved out to my own apartment, which was supervised and
Subject to random drug tests, but since I took prescription Opiates
Daily, they didn't insist on testing me.
Still, now illicit drugs nor alcohol. BUT NOW my HIP pain had become
A growing problem for me, making it more and more impossible for
Me to play music, the ONE BRIGHT SPOT that did reinforce my
Self Esteem.
Nov 2018 I moved into this apartment. Totally unsupervised.
Surrounded by people who were clearly drinking, bars all around
Out building, and I STILL HAD NO CLEAR END IN SIGHT for my
Hip pain.
For most of the Month of Dec 2018, I drank 1.75 Liter of Vodka per
Week. Only a few times did I get drunk enough to feel bad the next
Day.
Jan 2019, I got word the process had started for me to get my hip
replaced.!!!

Once that was done, once the pain of the surgery was done (mostly)
I was free to begin playing music once more.
BUT, in Jan 2018 I had found out that there was such a thing as
MST/PTSD. "Military Sexual Truama"PTSD.
I had known I had PTSD for years, even got a diagnosis for it, but
Because I'd never been in COMBAT, the VA said I could not claim any
COMPENSATION nor treatment for it.
Not so with the MST. I opened that wound, I let the "Genie out of
The Bottle", told my story and while getting helpful counseling at the
VA, my Personal alcoholic demon was also out of the bottle.

So the long and short of it; I am now getting some compensation,
I continue getting counseling which is helping, but I am also
Sporadically drinking.
Friday night I drank almost a Fifth of Scotch. I spent ALL DAY
Sat in bed. No throwing up, but dreadfully ill.
I have just today begun to feel able to function.
I've only eaten a handful of food since Friday.
I will get something to eat shortly though.

So for now, you know my dreadful secrets, and I hope you will not
Think less of me.

"Deeply Personal Revelation of an Alcoholic"

^by
Jerry E Smith
©6/23/2019
Image 1 from pixabay
Image 2 from Unsplash
All other photos are original

<sup>These .gifs were created for me by @coquiunlimited; many thanks


This .gif was created by @elgeko</sup>