The Schizoaffective Type - A Total Turn of Events...A Completely Different Outcome Than I Thought...

over 4 years ago (Edited)

I am going to use this Sigil Painting I made for Kent and I last year, after we had a big fight

I am totally confused and depressed. I had all my stuff packed in the Common Area Living Room ready for Kent to "move" to his property at the "end of the week" or whenever - "sometime soon" and had gone ahead and "given notice" to Section 8 about being out by the end of the month, then on Wednesday I asked Kent if I could stay there that night and he became furious that I was pressuring him...he told me that I could not stay there until he cleans the house... a thing he has been talking about doing since I met him 2 years ago.

Wow.

He told me that if I was expecting a "when" that I was expecting him to move my stuff, I could rent a storage unit and do it myself.

. . .???

So, as a result of hitting that brick wall, I have made peace with William the best I can. I am not sure if I am going to unpack all the boxes. But I did put my clothes away today, because I can't live amongst all that chaos.

Maybe it was not about moving.

Maybe it was a purge and I just used my self-will wrongly to conclude that I was moving...

I stacked a lot of the boxes up in my room from the Common Area and I guess I will live without their contents for a while and see what happens.

I am sure Kent is under a great deal of pressure regarding his son and other unknown-to-me sources.

I stayed with him this summer for 2.5 months and it was lovely, but I guess that was no pressure because I had somewhere else I actually lived. Not sure. Either that, or this tooth pain has just got him so twisted that he is just someone else that I don't know. Or maybe he just doesn't want to live with me. Maybe it is too much to ask to merge our big personalities in his tiny space.

Again, not sure.

So, I had to have a talk with William about all his concerns and then I just decided that I would have to try to meet them - because otherwise I will have to go the shelter.

For the last 3 days, William has been taking the new meds they gave him at the hospital - Halidol pills and Adavan for sleeping. As a result, he has had a wider range of himself. He can be sweet and childlike and then can become angry and loud all in one person - which is more like a normal person would.

Also for the last 3 days, he and I have been praying together in the morning. This morning I made the suggestion that this would also be the time when he should tell me things that are bothering him about me.

He apologized for all the trouble he caused me and so I asked him to apologize to Kent. He refused to do that, but maybe he will come around. I know that that would definitely help matters.

Kent said William called him today while he was at work, but he did not pick up.

I made the mistake of allowing Kent to try to use physical force to stand up for me against William, and boy oh boy was that the wrong thing to do. It ignited in Kent his old ways of handling situations with violence and we have not been the same since then. Up to a point, I knew this was the wrong way to handle the situation, but Kent offered over and over and eventually I just wanted a Knight in shining armor to take care of this problem for me...

I was willing to try anything at that point, but that was a sure mistake if I have ever made one.

I dunno. It sucks.

I am taking a deep look into my shadow self to see what in me could have brought all this about. I mean, I know William is also schizoaffective but I know that I have not been on my best behavior and I have taken advantage of him and also that I took over the Common Area as my own and didn't allow him to smoke in there because I don't smoke. I believe that I still have a mean-spirit living within my psyche that makes me very selfish only to those closest to me and it also causes me a lot of negativity in my life.

I like to feel that I have the Right to be negative or to criticize or to complain or to grumble, but I think I am facing a choice between Kent or keeping my mean-spirit. Also, it's not fair to William to be a victim of my mean-spirited nature. I am the one who has far fewer mental deficiencies and I have been lazy in dealing with my spoiled-brat self in leu of thinking of what is best for William.

this is the statement that I used for the sigils in the painting for Kent after our big fight last year

this is the 2nd statement... this year it's more about whether or not he can accept me for who I am or whether or not how I handle things is a deal-breaker for him

we have not had a chance to talk about any of this at all

he is working 24/7

I just decided to put this painting up tonight because these the statements I am saying to myself right now...

this one seems to be working well for William, he is doing very well & we are getting along

this one seems to have also worked - even though it didn't seem like it at the time, he definitely got the mental health support he needed

I am going to ponder whether I would be violating Kent's free will if I do one about him and William finding peace together. Maybe as long as I use the words "I pray" first then it will be God's will and not mine...