NON VIOLENT COMMUNICATION WORKSHOP #1 INTRODUCTION: Observation, How to listen!
This video introduces the first of four Non Violent Communication (NVC) workshops, OBSERVATION. I explain the most important aspects of NVC and share some detail about the exercise you will be doing, and how to observe and listen to others using NVC. This introduction will prepare you for the actual workshop that will be posted in a couple of days. In that workshop you will read, learn, and try out some questions and exercises on your own. Finally, you will choose someone to practice with and try out a very simple exercise as described in this video. Once you have completed this I believe many of you will start to see the real potential and rewards of NVC!
Please note: I speak slowly to make it easier to understand everything and so I can choose my words carefully. I believe fewer words carefully spoken are more effective than an intense barrage of information!
Some of the key points in this video are explained below:
Listen without judgement...
Just listen and put your whole story aside. Know that you cannot listen whilst you are thinking, and a sure sign that you are listening is that you have stopped thinking about how you relate to the story. If you find yourself trying to justify yourself or wanting to respond to them in your thoughts, just remind yourself that we will come to it, but to start you cannot make any progress until you have identified their specific needs and how they relate to the issue at hand. Whilst you listen you may find there is something said that you don't understand properly. Speak to clarify any details of the story, and to help yourself identify their specific needs. Make sure the needs they identify are their own needs and not what they 'need you to do'.
When listening to someone share, we must make sure we only hear their needs and feelings, and not their judgements! There is a great quote from Marshall Rosenberg
"If I'm using Non-violent Communication I never, never, never hear what somebody thinks about me. Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you'll live longer. You'll enjoy life more. Hear the truth. The truth is that when somebody's telling you what's wrong with you, the truth is they have a need that isn't getting met. Hear that they're in pain. Don't hear the analysis."
We use empathy to help us understand the other persons needs. Therefore when we listen we use all our senses and intuition so that we can truly understand how that person is feeling. This will help us to also assist them in discovering their need that lies behind it. Very often we need help to understand our needs, and having someone who is really listening suggest a need that resonates with us is a beautiful moment. You will see the spark in their eyes when they identify a need that they may not have ever really specifically talked about.
Below is a link to the PDF that you can download of our most common needs. You will find that most peoples needs are the same and are on this list. If you are not sure what the needs are of the person you are talking to, you can refer to this sheet to help you. It's worth mentioning that sometimes people think they have identified a need when in fact they have not. They may have just made a demand instead of stating a need, or they may have stated an actual need but you feel it may be something else.
DOWNLOAD PDF OF FEELINGS AND NEEDS
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1vYh6RMdG7O-7dFJEb5B0VrGkwmbKh8PG
Normally once we finish listening listening there may be a request or some kind of response, but for the purpose of this workshop and so early on, I only want you to say something that in some way helps you to understand them better or helps them to identify their feelings and needs.
Watch how really listening deepens the conversation and connection.. and gives them time to share their needs and experience properly.
Every judgement is a tragic expression of a beautiful need!
The actual post for this first workshop will happen in a couple of days. Please do not try out the exercise in this video until you have read that post!
Thank you for being a part of this NVC journey!
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I UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS NECESSARY TO TAKE SERIOUS AND PERTINENT ACTION WHEN SOMEONE TAKES US OUT OF OUR CENTER AND EVEN MORE SO WHEN WE BELIEVE THAT WE HAVE ALREADY STABILIZED IT...THE TRUTH IS THAT THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMEONE WHO WILL MOVE THE FOUNDATION FOR US. FOR THIS REASON, I CONSIDER OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE THIS EFFORT YOU ARE MAKING TO SHARE TOOLS TO BE A LIGHT BEARER, ESPECIALLY WHEN DARKNESS THREATENS TO IMPOSE ITSELF. I CONGRATULATE YOU FOR ALWAYS FINDING A BEAUTIFUL WAY TO GROW AND MAKE US GROW. THIS WORKSHOP IS AN EXAMPLE OF THAT AND I WILL ACCOMPANY YOU TO EXPLORE IT AS MUCH AS I CAN AND AS MUCH AS THE TRANSLATOR WILL ALLOW.
THANK YOU, DEAR @ecoalex! A HUG!
im glad you get it, and no surprise there my sister! When i discover amazing tools,, i have to share them ;-) Very happy you are following this workshop!
Probably no one needs this more than me but I'm also going to have to figure out a "trigger" to launch it. What I mean is that while I may know all about this... remembering to use it and not get caught up and reactionary is an obvious must.
Great video, you seem like a calm person. I'm not.. lol As old as I am, I still get so excited when I learn some new amazing fact and will share it with exuberance. The fact that it's with complete good will does not seem to matter... people hate you for the truth.
So, do I need a different approach... yeah mon My latest idea was to just treat everyone with kindness from knowing they are damaged mentally.. I include myself there and really all of us.. we are not who we'd be if left alone .. self-determination.
I'll be following this...ty
I understand Totally what you are saying, and this is the reason i am doing this. I am making this workshop in a way that you can work on it bit by bit, very easily and gradually. once you have practiced the steps with the exercises in the Workshop you will have a much better idea of how to actually handle these conversations..
It is hard to take a step back, and that very important part of listening is well explained in this video on this post.. once you practice the exercise of listening as described in this video i Hope that you will start to see the light, because the way i have framed this is to make it as easy as possible for you to listen. In this first exercise you are not supposed to even respond unless you want to clarify a point etc.. and I am asking you to choose a very 'low intensity' issue to get started with. Maybe you can try it out with a friend who is easy going if you are not yet ready to try it out with a family member.
The main post is coming tomorrow.. xx
I tried it tonight when my wife got home. Observation... uh huh.. she was not happy.. I just listened.. at one point she said, shouldn't I feel this way... I said I think she has a right to the way she feels..
that's as far as I got but at least... I didn't make her any more upset... and actually did help her to mellow out.. not by smoking .. lol. I'm the only one here does that.
oh wow, OK! you already started..
i would say,, GREAT,, but maybe better to start with a low intensity person or topic..
I haven't yet given the full guidance for this exercise, so maybe wait for the post tomorrow and then you can give it another go..
What she says, about having the right to feel the way she feels is 100% honourable. We all have feelings, and needs, and if we were in their body we would probably feel the same way.
What NVC teaches us is that Having negative feelings is an indicator that some need of hers is not being met.. SO your job whilst listening is to identify the feeling first, e.g shes angry, and then figure out what the specific need is.
once you have done that, you can then start some constructive conversation about how to help her meet that need, whilst still meeting you own.. and with your total enthusiasm to make her happy.. you can only have that enthusiasm when you put aside the bad feelings you have because you feel blamed or judged, or you are not having your needs met.. You put them aside WHILST you are listening, with the knowing that this is part of the process to actually resolve the issue and to create a much more relaxed connection between you both.
SO, after you have listened to her next time, i want you to notice how the connection changes, right away, between you both and how you feel!
I hope that helps!
Thanks, Alex. I just remembered that at one point I was trying to tell her about NVC b/c her complaint is about co-workers.
She never listens to me so I got nowhere, just let it go for now. Sometimes it may not be possible to meet someone's needs.
Great words, my friend, going to enjoy this workshop and will try to employ it positively.
kindness rules
well, maybe if you practice with her she will discover it by accident.. SHE doesn't need to do anything differently, but she will maybe witness how nice and easy it can be to find the need behind the conflict with anyone.. and then figure a way to meet it.. Its surprisingly powerful to see how listening to someone really for them and not for you changes the WHOLE story and feeling.. it is quite healing just to feel heard !
yes not all needs can be fulfilled,, BUT even just being open to hearing them, and not judging them when they do it.. but instead to say.. oh YES, i can understand that is a need of yours and can see how not meeting it must make you feel very upset or frustrated etc..
Amen to that. In the movie, Phenomenon, Travolta asked an acquaintance who was in the doghouse if he ever bought her "chairs". Chairs being an analogy to what his wife's passion in life is.
oh yeah, i saw that aeons ago! might have to rewatch it.. it sounds to me like you are really ripe for this, and very happy you are giving it a shot..
it takes 2 to tango, and when one person leads with a waltz, the waltz it is!
Well, it's not my first year in the temple but still can't quite leave.
What I have done to get along for over 20 years is take all my baggage, pack it up, and send it over the cliff. Screw my baggage, happy wife, happy life.
I'd love for both my wife and I to learn the technique but I'll have to make her think its her idea. It would do her so much good.
one love
I had the privilege to view this video before it was posted, and pondered it on the way to school pick up. Last evening I had a MOST interesting dialogue with my 15 year old daughter, and was able to employ this first module just a tiny-weeny bit. It TURNED the conversation, and the evening, in a totally different direction!! I'm just trying to find some space today to make a @3speak video about it.... cos it's easier to mimic tone and mood in voice than text. LOL.
I'm finding this a really wonderful spotlight on a skill set that we "Dutch Direct" people may be slightly handicapped in. LOL..... @riverflows YOU MAY STOP SNIGGERING IN THE BACK ROW NOW!!! LOL...
Appreciating the incredible generosity of spirit in sharing this series, and that NVC isn't as much about communication and what we SAY, but about mindfulness, awareness of need and respect.
OK - stay tuned. I'm gonna try and capture this one for you on video this afternoon.
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OOh WOW! Cant wait to hear more about how that went with Ploi.
I think after i post this first workshop and you try it.. it will also help a lot.. i say that because i understand some of the mother / daughter dynamics that you have.. .. and can see enormous huge potential for you BOTH to end up relating to each other SO differently! Shes a big girl now also <3 xx
It seems your workshop has come at the perfect time for me. My wife and I need to talk about some things... but I'll wait a couple days before using this exercise.
Thanks man
@eco-alex, could you please verify your account, by posting an announcement to one of your established, social media accounts, saying that you are posting to 3speak. Then post the link to the room #verifications in the 3speak discord server: https://discord.me/3speak?utm_source=3speak.online
@eco-alex One of the most important things about our Steem platform, is that it allows us to meet people like you, people who like to share their knowledge, and give it as a gift, is something super valuable, I am admired by your wise words, I downloaded the document, but is in English and is an image, I can not take it to translate it, I would appreciate very much if you have it in text to translate it into Spanish. I would love to have it as part of my learning, again thank you very much for every word and your good intentions.
THank you Kantos! Your comments mean a lot to me!
I have had a look for a spanish document and in the end i found a few!
I cannot undertand them so i hope they are good, but i think they are!
http://chooseconnection.squarespace.com/handouts-and-resources/Feelings%20and%20Needs%20in%20Spanish.doc
You can find spanish translations of MANY more documents there too!
http://chooseconnection.squarespace.com/handouts-and-resources/
I hope you can take part like this!
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