Anger and loss | Life and death

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She hugged me from behind; There was no particular reason for it, just your typical every-day hello hug. The words, "g'day trouble," followed soon after and I pretended to object to her [probably accurate] assessment of me, for a moment, then I just agreed nodding with the words, "you love it!"

She released me and I turned, a grin on my face, and administered a friendly one-armed hug in return whilst extending my hand to her husband who was walking up to us. We shook, firmly, in true man-style, and I grinned offering the words, "how the fuck are you?"

This scene has played out in some form or another a couple times a month over the last 12 years, mostly at my gun range but also in social situations. Playful banter, copious amounts of shit-talk and genuine affection being the way our relationship unfolded from the first time we met it seems. We were good friends, this down-to-earth couple and I, and like most who met them I found them instantly likeable, happy and generous people. They were your typical Aussie's: Laid-back, hard working, fun-loving and willing to roll up their sleeves and help a mate when required.

They would compete on match-days but for them it was more a social occasion - Winning or losing was accepted with the same humble attitude they applied to everything. I recall one occasion when he was disqualified for a technical/safety infringement, as sometimes happens, and rather than leave in frustration they stayed, walked around with my squad and helped out other's - Loading magazines, picking up spent cases, patching and re-setting targets and generally deploying good cheer and support all around.

She knew the way to a man's heart too - Through their stomach's! They would arrive with platters of sandwich's, mini pies or pasties, cakes, or cookies and share them around. On more than one occasion she'd come around with my squad making sure I ate and drank enough water because it was a hot day - Being diabetic, fluids and the right food, regularly, is important for me. She'd stand out in the 40+ degree heat all day with me - Came prepared to do so, without being asked.

These people are were quality people - Aussie battler's, hard workers and the best sort of friends a person could ask for.

Last night I received a phone call and, seeing one of my mate's names pop up, I answered. Within seconds I plonked back down on the lounge (I pace when I'm on the phone) in shock and dismay. He had called to tell me that our friends had committed suicide; That they were gone. I didn't know what to say but I believe what the fuck, came out at some stage.

We discussed the wake, occurring Sunday-coming, and chatted about the family. There will be no funeral and no notices in the newspaper, just the wake; A time for us to gather and do what people do in times like this. src

Since last night I've felt...Odd. I see their faces. Smiling, happy faces. I can't help wondering why this couple would turn their firearms upon themselves...And thinking how senseless it all is. What could they possibly have been dealing with for them to create a suicide pact and carry out out? They both left notes however as there is an ongoing investigation no details have emerged. We may never know the truth of it.

I got off the phone with the guy who called me last night, only an hour before writing this - He's a retired funeral director and I needed to speak with him, to get some perspective. I'm angry you see. Angry at our friend's selfishness and that I couldn't do anything; That they didn't ask for help. He is too, but some calming words from him, a man obviously very equipped to deal with loss, helped me somewhat.

This is not my first experience with death, and unfortunately with suicide either. I have lost too many people in this way - Mate's to PTSD after military service, a young 20-something girl because her boyfriend dumped her and my wife's uncle number amongst them. Tragic, one and all. It's selfish of me, but I feel cheated in some way - Robbed of the chance to help them through their difficulties, and cheated of their friendship. I just feel helpless and useless; Like I've failed them in some way, although that's not the case I suppose. I'm also very angry with them which leaves me feeling a little guilt also.

Prior to writing this I contacted someone whose opinion I value here on steem and questioned the legitimacy of writing about this event, posting it. She suggested that writing about it would certainly help, and I find she was right in that. Reaching out, through posting this piece, also gives me a chance to get people's perspective, maybe other's who have dealt with something similar but I feel a release of sorts, the anger dissipating somewhat.

I don't want to be angry at my friends and in time I think that will pass but going to the range will be a little strange through their absence for a while. I've been seeing their faces since last night, vividly, which is to be expected. They'll go wherever I go from now on, in my memories, which is odd in itself as I would go weeks without thinking of them in the past. I need to draw a line beneath them though, our friendship, which is what Sunday will help me, and other's, to do. I'll miss them greatly and will never forget them, as will many others as well.

Life is a gift; A precious but finite collection of minutes and hours. For all of us it will come to an end - You, me...Everyone we know will eventually relinquish it...But not yet.

For me, someone who has lost people, the utter finality of death doesn't hold fear; I don't welcome or invite it, but am resigned to the simple fact it will visit me and those I love. This brings me a unique opportunity though - The chance to live my best version of life, to value myself and those around me and to put all things into perspective.

I'll end in the way I usually do...My ethos, which I pursue daily. It's more than a simple catchphrase and the deeper a person delves within its words the more it can come to mean. Today it feels more relevant than ever.


Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default

Discord: @galenkp#9209 🇦🇺
@curangel curator



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The exact reason I moved out of my home.
Except, in my case, I am
Grateful I was able to physically wrestle the firearm out of my drunken father’s hand. Preventing a death.

It sure gave me a different perspective on life. And family, especially with the events following the failed Suicide.

I feel for you Galen. No opportunity to help. Left out in the dark.

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Tragic. Thanks for sharing.

Life throws up many challenges, some of which, can leave people unable to see through them - Unable to see a clear way forward. Maybe this leads to suicide.

I appreciate your comments and hope all with well with your girl, and young son.

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It's still crazy raw. Give it time. The problem with suicide is that it doesn't need to be a good idea for very long. Look at tattoos. How many people regret a tattoo, even though they were adamant they wanted it at the time. A tattoo needs to be a 'good' idea for much longer than suicide. You need to book an appointment, pick a design etc.
Suicide, you just need to pick a gun off the rack, or a good sized tree, like Danny Frawley did recently.
If a lot of people regret their tattoos, imagine how many more would regret their suicide; if they were still around to regret stuff.

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Good point - Seems like a good idea at the time doesn't cut it when the idea is so final. Pretty sad it comes to that.

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Evening (for me) @galenkp.

Thanks for sharing with us. I hope it's helped. It's a burden that doesn't need to be carried alone by keeping it all inside.

I suppose all suicides are tragic, but I also suppose they're not all equal, like death in general. If someone dies of natural causes in their 80s, 90s or beyond, we feel their loss, but we know it's going to happen to all of us, as you said, at some point. If it happens after a long, often painful illness where quality of life is reduced over and over, we often find death to be a relief—for them, for those taking care of them, and maybe even for us.

With suicide, though, it always feels like a life ended too soon. Largely, because it is. With those where it's more obvious that there are problems or depression, etc., it's not so much expected to happen as it is a little less of a surprise or out of the blue—something. The signs are there, maybe help is even given and preventable actions taken, but in the end it all just proves too overwhelming. Or whatever the case may be. I don't pretend to know everything or have all the answers.

I know for me, the ones where you have described, where the people seem happy, go out of their way to help others, etc., are the ones that affect me the most. It's the ones you can't possibly know about because there's never an indication, not in public, anyway.

I wish I had words of consolation. I wish I had answers. I wish, better said, that they were still around. I'm not going to get any of those wishes to come true, I guess.

I do hope and believe you will find closure. There are too many things in this life that we just have no or very little control over, and I'm going to put this one firmly in that category. If you're taking the blame, it's not yours. If you're thinking you could have done something—I don't know. That's a what if scenario that could end many different ways, and not all of them the way you might want.

I know you know all of that. It doesn't stop the heart from aching. I think that's okay, though. What would be the point of relationships if we didn't feel sadness, anger or guilt, along with the happiness, joy and satisfaction? We kind of need it all to understand it all, to appreciate it all, and to prove we're human.

I'm sorry. I truly am.

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Thanks mate, nice (and wise) words. Writing it out has helped somewhat and a couple people here at work have added some perspective, as you have also done. I don't want to be angry with my friends but I am for now. It will pass.

The finality of it all is what I'm struggling with, and the manner of death. I saw these people only several days ago and all seemed well...Now I'll never see them again. It's odd.

I believe in writing about it I have opened myself up to move forward a bit and find my anger fading. The wake is Sunday and we'll all stand around awkwardly holding a drink I'm sure, and then we'll push forward and live.

Thanks for taking the time to respond so thoroughly - I appreciate it.

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Sad time indeed and the unknown doesn't help. This is the main reason I went to Melbourne etc to fix my friends car and drive it to Brisbane for her as she was in a very bad state as so many things had gone wrong in the last few months. She needed something positive in her life and I was glad to be able to help I the way I could. She is doing a lot better now. Unfortunately most don't give us any indication they are on the edge and we feel helpless and somewhat to blame, it's not easy though it gets easier with time.

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Hey mate, yes you're right, there's often no sign that this sort of thing is going to happen. Like Matt says, it may well be one of those sounded like a good idea at the time things - But it's pretty final huh? Glad your friend is doing well.

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Yes it was very enlightening way Matt explained that. Thanks I am glad my friend is doing well now.

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I don't think the answer ever entirely passes but it does ebb with time. Sorry to hear this, man. Suicide is a brutal thing and the questions it leaves hurts damn hard

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Thank you good sir, I appreciate your words.

Details are emerging and unfortunately it's becoming more senseless as information comes to light. A waste of life I guess, and sad they felt there was nowhere to turn.

Thanks again for commenting. It's depressing I know, however I have to say writing this out, responding to comments, has gained me some perspective. Chalk up one more win for the steem community.

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All those thoughts swirling around, it really does help when they are put out in some manner!

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Ugh....and that it happened as a “couple” just really surprises me.

Even just reading it second hand makes me stop and think cause you never really know. Condolences homie.

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Hey there, thanks a lot. Yes, pretty tragic. I know a lot more details now, how they were found, the notes etc.

We know, now, that it was not a murder suicide thankfully. So, a suicide pact. Mind-biggling huh? Imagine the conversation, the loading of the guns, laying on the bed...The countdown...I know why also, as much as an outsider could know what is going on between a couple anyway. Just senseless. If only they had stuck their hand up and said, hey we need help. Pride is a funny thing.

I'm angry at them still but it's dissipating. The wake in Sunday is going to be terrible but will give us all a chance to put it to bed and move on with or memories of our mates. All anger will fade.

Thanks for commenting.

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I have lost quite a few people to suicide over the years, and anger is universally the first response. Obviously, when someone gets to the point that suicide seems like the only way out, they are not thinking about others and how their actions will affect them, but suicide, unlike other deaths, kills a piece of the survivors as well. It's a kind of violence done to the living, and you have every right to be angry. It makes it hard to truly grieve their loss, but as your anger fades (it might not ever disappear entirely) hopefully you will be able to love them and let them go. I'm glad you shared this story. I agree that writing about it is a way of working through the trauma and organizing your feelings, which must be all over the place. What a tragic loss. Again, I am so sorry.

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Thanks for your kind words of wisdom. I'm not the only one to have experienced this and I won't be the last. It seems to be a preferred way out for many people and is often a very tragic and final way to deal with emotions and feelings of despondency, pain and emotional suffering.

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What always gets me is that it's a permanent solution to what is almost always a temporary problem. I've gone pretty dark a few times in my life but never that dark, and I can't imagine what it would take to get to that point.

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No words.

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I understand...I probably wouldn't have either. Felt better just writing about it though. :)

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It took me a bit to respond to this post.

First off, I want to say sorry for your loss.

As I was reading I thought about those I have lost too young due to illness or suicide. This is part of what caused the pause between reading and responding. No matter how long it has been since whatever grief has happened, even though it may not weigh on you as hard, it will occasionally pop back up and kick you in the feels.

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It's a terrible thing for those left behind and I agree, the feeling will come and go. The *unnatural-ness of it what makes it so difficult. That and the anger one feels.

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It sounds like this was very unexpected which makes it that much more difficult to process. I'm sorry I didn't make it here sooner m, I need to get on too of my steemit game so I don't miss something as important as this. I am glad you shared it as I know the healing benefits of getting the words out there to give your mind a little space to breathe. For me, in these situations, I always handle it very well. I can offer support to loved ones, speak at the service, and take it all in stride. It's usually not until later when it really hits me and that's when I need support and most of the time people have long moved on and no longer understand my emotional state. All I'm saying is you have a great community of support here and we are always happy to see you vent off a little steam. Hug your wife tight I already you don't take it for granted. I just wish tragedies so easily avoided, never happened. Wishing you strength.

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Hey mate, yes it's been a tough week. Details have emerged making things a little clearer but it's still a tragic waste especially knowing their reasons based on the notes left behind.

I guess we all deal with these things differently and whilst I spent the early part of the week being angry with my friends that's tempered somewhat as I come to understand that they moved forward in the only way they felt they could. No one will ever know how they felt and so all we can do is remember them as the friends they were to all of us; forget the circumstances and remember the people.

It was nice to read all the responses on steem, a collective group of people with many experiences and perspectives, and I'm glad I wrote about it. Thanks for your words. I know your past line of work placed you in this position, losing people, and figured you'd have a valid perspective.

Sunday will be tough.

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Now that was a tough one 2 read.....

Read parts of it to my wife Kelly over the phone, as She called while I was halfway thru it....

We are Sad for You, We have dealt with this also.

No more reading on here 2 night. Just not in the mood for it after that one.

Best therapy in the world is hed bonks from cats...."true story"

Take Care My Friend..... "Krazzy"

5wlm8kyb0a.jpg

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Hey mate, you're right, those cat head bonks are a great comfort. I'm heading home from the range right now to get a few of my own.

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