Hospital Boogaloo Two: The Gall of Steve

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So, first you tell em, what you're gonna tell em, then you tell em, then you told em what you told em! So I'm tellin you there's going to be some sex and vulgarity in this post now ;>

But wait, Steve, you ask, what does a picture of your decrepit old ass in a hospital gown have to do with sex and vulgarity...

Therein lies the Tale!

I woke up Tuesday morning with a pain in my stomach (let's give it a 6/10 on the hospital staff pain question), although it was higher up than similar pains I have had in the past, I figgered that a solid shit would be painful, but would clear the pain (which has happened to similar pains in my lower bowels previously). No dice. The pain started getting worse (8/10), and I was doing all sorts of exercises to clear what I thought to be gas pain. Finally, at 10am, I sent my brother off for some Gas-X. He returned with it, I took it, and half an hour later, the pain had dissipated by a fraction (placebo effect?), but it was still pretty bad. So I called 911, hoping that a loud smelly fart would occur before they got here, and I could go on with my day. Yet again, no dice ;>

The ambulance ride

So it had been about 4 hours of this level 8 pain that would go to a level 6 pain and back in waves as I changed my position. The EMTs also assumed it could be gas, and found no signs of an cardio event, so off we go in the ambulance. Having other people near me was good, because I would moan in pain if I was alone in the room, and I don't like not being in control of myself (which means I constantly show myself my ass on the question of habitual overeating, but I digress...). Moaning and crying are for babies and democrats, not for me! And I was still hoping to rip a stinker, and so as to be able to release an emergency crew back to REAL emergencies...or so I thought. No dice...

The UPCHUCK Scale
As we're on the way to the hosital (my SECOND EMT trip this year, damnit), the EMT is trying to get a sense of the pain. I have declined pain medicine until I get into the ER and help the docs out, and I tell him it's a alternating wave of 6-8, but that I had the impression the pain had done down minimally after taking the Gas-X. And then, suddenly, the pain went to level 9, I gripped the rails, leaned forward and...

  • RALF - I geyser puked about 3 feet in front of me (the definition of RALF). Luckily for me, it was wet and cold, and I was cocooned (strapped into) in a nylon warming sheet.
  • YURT - A YURT is a solid stream of vomit for 2-3 seconds. I accomplished two of these while the EMT provided me a yak sack to vomit into, as opposed to all over the inside of the ambulance. By this time, I was annoyed that I was heaving up some solid chunks of food. I had eaten 11 hours previously. My stupid body was not processing food in an appropriate functional manner!
  • BLURT - A BLURT is a YURT that only lasts for a second. As fully bodied and piquant as the YURT, the BLURT is the little brother. I had a small series of BLURTS (2-3, but I lost count) into the yak sack that was now in position.
  • HACK - HACKS as the less-than-a-mouthful pukes that can be the worst. I had a little blood in it, but it was a normal color, so the EMT said not to worry.

No dice, I was worried that I would show up to the ER, and all the pretty nurses would see me come in with a beard full of chunk stench! On the other hand, as I tried to apologize for stenching the ambulance up, he just laughed and said the driver would have to clean it up.

In any case, I hope you find my vomit typology useful for your drinking bouts in the future!

The ER

One pretty nurse, and all were nice and helpful. She didn't see puke in the soupstrainer, so I assumed I had managed to get it all.I again held out on pain medicine until the doctor could talk to me (as I am a "tough guy" LOL, but we will see ANOTHER no dice on that statement downpage). They sent in an ultrasound crew, who did see a gas bubble, but also saw some shadows of what could be gallstones. There was a clot in my IV, and I don't think the pain meds made it through, or the staff forgot to dope me up after talking to the doctor.

Because we were now at T + 8 hours at PAIN LEVEL 8. If there was noone in the room with me, I would issue forth the following noises

  • oooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
  • jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze
  • annnnnnnnnnnnnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
  • shitshitshitshitshitshit
  • sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh (through closed and gritted teeth)
  • one noise I cant replicate on the keyboard was kind of a high pitched wheeze out through my teeth

Yes, I was thoroughly disappointed in myself, or I would have been had I been even partly lucid...I was dimly aware I was making bitch noises at the time ;>

And finally I got to the point where those noises would emit form Someone Who Isn't Me when there were staff in the room. Due to what the ultrasound folks had found, they sent me over to get a catscan. And a shift changeover had taken place, with an all male cast of nurses, one of whom doped me up...probably to get the squeaks I was making to stop LOL. By now, they were certain that it was gallstones (I debated adding the pics of the gallbladder they removed, but I'm too tired and brain-funky to do it right now). The surgeon that would carve me up came by to discuss it, but I was now brainfarting on dope instead of pain, so all I knew is that they were going to schedule me for the next day. One more batch of dope, and bang...I was finally asleep for 3 more hours.

When I woke up, the pain had dropped to a 3-4 level (even that seemed like bliss!), and they moved me up to an overnight room.

All the Pretty Nurses

Aha, THIS is where they were stashing them! And now we come to the Sex portion of today's show. I do believe I will include this post as part of my Sex And The Single Steve Index, bottom of the post.

So, the ER nurse that took me upstairs was a pretty Latina, and I made her giggle all the way up. I wondered why i was flirting with her with a gut full of rocks, but she seemed to enjoy it. The nurse's assistant was a pretty redhead, not my type (freckled, she was), but she had a perfect ass on her...and my room nurse? WOW! THANK YOU GOD!. Latina, mid 20s, kohled eyes that had a bit of a "cheena" slant to them, and were very wide in themselves, a clear light brown color. Long wavy black hair. A very nice body, but I didn't gawk at her. I think she caught the flirtatious attitude I had with the ER nurse, and was flirting with me ;> Obviously, I have always been bad at reading signals, and when she flirted with me after waking me up at two in the morning, I think I smirked at her wrong INSTEAD OF passing the Shit Test she had given me. OTHO, like I said, I could be misinterpreting things, and these nurses were just being friendly.

And I had to take a shower by myself, instead of her giving me a sponge bath. I don't even know WHY I go to the hospital!

But why, when I have been avoiding flirting with women lately, suddenly go into horndog mode?

MY BET - I was not consciously afraid of dying; it's a low risk, and I know these folks are professionals. But subconsciously, I probably was considering that low risk, and wanted to plant some of my swimmers in friendly territory just in case.

I noticed the next morning, AFTER the surgery, I was goofing around with some of the nurses, but not being flirty about it.

Under the Knife

They doped me overnight, and I woke up with a ZERO pain level. Nice! They wheeled me downstairs, shaved my belly (hey, I'm fat! ;>), discussed the procedure (and while being lucid at this point, still only grokked the basics), and doped me out. The doctor told me I could NOT keep the gall bladder to bronze and mount on the wall. This didn't surprise me, for 20 years ago when they cut out my tumor, they wouldn't let me keep it in a jar of formaldehyde on the mantel, for me to relentlessly mock...FUCK YOU, DEATH, YOU PASTY FACED COCKSUCKER!

And just like that I was snap awake again. Woke up as they dragged the breathing tube out of my yap/throat. Ouch. They weren't sure if I would be leaving, or if they wanted to hold me over for another night. They DID tell me if I could put down some clear liquids without problems, AND IF I felt OK, that I could escape. So whatever happened regardless of feeding, I knew that I was going to feel OK ;>

I didn't realize how much I liked ice pops and jello, or maybe I was just hungry after eating little over the last two days, but you better believe I scarfed all that down! The mobility expert came to take me for a walk, and I was exuberant. Strange, I WAS lightweight flirty with her, although she was cute, definitely not my type. So IDK WTF happened there.

And thus the floodwaters of healthcare parted, and I took my ass from there, and was content!

Now, back in October, I hurt my arm, so I didn't lift though October, I came back too early, and pulled it again in November. I was SUPPOSED to lift on Monday, but I was lazy about it. Now I have to wait at least another month to get back to gym. It'll be Stronglifts 5x5, but that reasoning will be a post of it's own.

Thanks for reading! Stay out of the hospital if pretty nurses aren't going to give you sponge baths!



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You are indeed a rock. Well, apparently that has been surgically removed. Now you're just all soft and squishy, just like they want you.

Be weller.

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yeah, im just going to dope up today and try to finish a paper

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Haha... well written! Imagine that 8 level pain. That's what I go through 24 hours a day 365 days a year in my back, hips, knees, shoulders and hands.

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