The main problem living with paranoid schizophrenia is the fact that I get paranoid (duh). I always have this deep seated feeling that something is going to go horribly wrong and that we're screwed. The thought that everything is going to come crashing down hard and hurt not just me but everyone involved with me.
It's a terrifying experience to say the least and it does no good when I have too much going on my plate too fast. And that's exactly what's going on right now in my life.
About a week ago I felt like something was going to go terribly wrong and it stuck around. I still feel it to this day as I'm writing this and will stick around with me until probably October or November at the earliest. Not the first time I've felt this way unfortunately.
The first thing going on in my life that I've been informed of yesterday is my Roommate Luca (not his real name) is moving out of the house, but says he still needs use of the garage and our large yard so he will continue paying part of the rent. Insists that after about 3 months he'll probably be moving back in and that he wants to introduce his boyfriend to use in piecemeal to see how we take to him because we've had a bad first impression with him.
The second thing is I'm worried about being able to continue my anxiety medicine, I only get one MG of clonazepam, it doesn't help much but it generally takes the edge off. Not to mention it's such a pain in the ass to get and keep that I ration it out which doesn't help matters. I go to see that doctor on the Aug. 5th. Will also be seeing if he's increasing my Geodon or putting me on another medication to help with taming the voices and paranoia.
Then I have to still deal with the bullshit with Social Security's CDR, a thing all disabled people go through on benefits in order to keep benefits. I found out the first time I was denied was because I wasn't seeing a psych but rather my PCP to get mental health taken care of. The second one denied me because they didn't update my records of evidence of my disabilities, even though I went in, in person, and personally handed them the evidence which they photocopied for themselves, for some reason the inept dancing retarded monkeys at Social Security just lost it. When I did my appeal for that one, the inept idiots lost the appeal so I temporarily lost my benefits, including insurance. It was later found and submitted to the ALJ (Administrative Law Judge).
I've submitted the evidence and called the ALJ office to have them pull my medical records for medical and mental health. I've also taken the liberty of obtaining all my medical records and have been keeping them up to date and in a portfolio in case they managed to still somehow fuck this up. The paperwork does state that I can bring the evidence in for my hearing to be considered.
And even then with all the evidence I'm worried still that the judge is just going to basically kick me off benefits anyway for some stupid ass reason. Mostly because I seriously have no faith in the workers at Social Security to be able to handle their damn job.
Most of the time when dealing with Social Security, some idiot can't figure out what to do and thinks it's not their department, so they escalate it to someone higher who then states that it's not in their job description so sends it back down to the dancing monkeys I was speaking to before and it becomes an endless cycle and thus have to do one of two things. Either 1). I get a hold of a friend or relative who's an attorney and threatens them up to ass with lawsuits and finally gets shit done or 2). I threaten to get the news media involved and how bad it'll look on Social Security if they can't fix a single simple god damn issue.
It's happened numerous times. When I changed payees from being an organization in Arizona to being one of my roommates, the payee had to send $2000 they had saved back for me back to Social Security to be reissued to my new payee. They lost it and took a little over a year for them to find the funds, figure out what went wrong, and then further had to work more to actually get it to send through. That's just one example.
I don't trust my money to come in on time, I don't trust it to come in at all. I don't trust Social Security because they've proven time and time and time again that they're inept at what they're doing. Though I did find a gal at the local office where if I need to get shit done, to try to get a hold of her and she lights fires under people's asses. It's great. The one person at Social Security that's any decent who also happens to coincidentally volunteer some of her spare time helping the disabled. She's an angel among lackluster shells of people who know nothing more than rubberstamping denials and typing into Google for something and giving callers the run around.
So yeah, for the most part don't trust Social Security as far as I can throw a ton of bricks in one go.
So I have running in my head all these various different plans, plans A - Z and then some. Trying to come up with a plan for every possible problem that could arise regardless if it's being denied my benefits after seeing the ALJ, Luca no longer paying rent and him deciding he's not moving back in after 3 months, what's going to happen my medication, am I going to be put on stuff that's going to help me out or increase my geodon to a good level to level me out? Am I going to stop feeling like something is going to go terribly wrong?
Am I going to stop feeling trapped like a rat in a cage? I don't know the answer to these things, but these are all the things running in my mind.
Drawing and poetry and vlogging help somewhat, same with chats, but they don't remove the entirety of the problems I'm facing in my mind, they don't relax me enough to be fully able to say "I'm ok". I'm not ok, I'm not fine. My world feels like it's turned upside down and feels like it can shatter at any moment and I'll have no way to stop it and no way to recover from it.
It's a sense of dread that will never cease, always clinging strong like a monkey on my back. The weight of the world resting on my shoulders and I simply can't shrug it off, it remains there, forever cemented until I'm either grounded or things do shatter to pieces.
It's hard to deal with, and my hallucinations are getting worse, and the voices are louder than ever. It's hard to ignore them. I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling like what the voices are saying might be right.