Chronicles of 7 souls
After all this time?...
The winter has passed and I can still feel in my skin that cold that freezes my whole body, my bones, my thoughts and but keeps always awake and warm my doubts, all those pains that in my life are always present, making my days sometimes a torture, asking me the reasons, wondering what would have happened if perhaps I had dared to do it, or if I had not done it. I sit on the wooden bench that looks like a completely frozen metal, I look at the rain that falls on my head fogging my whole body as if it were a snowstorm freezing my existence, when it is really that called repentance that is present in my life, on lonely nights, missing what was once part of my life, what is no longer even a memory of yesterday, for it seems as if it were from another life, one in which I have already died, one in which I have been reborn to simply live with the bitter taste of not knowing what would become of my present.
I still remember it, that first time I felt something strange inside my stomach, it was a connection between my hidden thoughts and my sweaty hands of innocent nerves, an experience to live for the first time, something that although it was not reciprocated was a sweet extinguished but tasted. I fell in love for the first time, I was only 16 years old, I knew it from the moment my wounds were bleeding from a love disguised as simple first-time confusion. I still remember the warmth of your embrace, that innocent gift of the first kiss given on that rooftop, a cold but warm morning in your arms, a wet kiss sealing a maybe forever, even if it is like an eternal friendship playing at not hurting each other with the commitment of the engagement.
But dear memory, life has been so unfair or I have been unfair to life, I have lost you even in my memories that only become alive when my lips taste the elixir of alcohol. Many times I have wondered where I would be, what I would be doing in a world to your side if perhaps instead of trying to protect you from me I had accepted you as part of my eternal life. We swore love, we even innocently consumed what we both felt, there was no cold wind that could get rid of the warm feeling we had when our eyes met, when our lips met to love each other and when your arms protected me from the most difficult moments of my life. Many times we promised that everything would be fine in any situation, and in the end it ended in simple words that tormented me, causing a storm of emotions of regret to form inside my body, drained between tears that seemed to have no end.
Even when your arms have moved away from me selfishly I always wanted you to stay by my side, I loving you but also loving another, a love that was also reciprocated but in a distant way, a love that saved me from the pain of doubt but that conspired with life and ended up destroying my heart as I destroyed yours, paying at that moment the painful debt of rejection towards you. But it wasn't because I didn't love you, it was simply because I was afraid of the deception, I didn't know what to do, what to say, I was only feeling a love for two men that I didn't want to lose and that in the end I ended up losing.
I have asked you many times in your life if I have been guilty of all this, if there is still much more to pay for the damage I have caused. I admit I miss their voices and calling them to their names. Beings that once I thought I could not live without them, but life is so imperfect and somewhat corrupt that makes you forget even the most beautiful, making you betrayal, that you doubt, that in the end you cry and regret as I do this and other nights.
Life judges me once again, the more drinks that enter my system, the more regrets I have in my present. A new unrequited love, which I start projecting perhaps to be something different from what I have lived, making my life experiences something new, but that hurts me, opens my old wounds and scars. I am faced with the memory of having been loved in a tender way, a way of feeling needed, being the breath of that other person, but on the contrary this love can live without me and it shouts it out to the thousand winds, it does not cry for me nor ask me to forgive the pain caused, and in a certain way sometimes I feel that I do not deserve it.
And now I'm here with you taking the last sip of life, like a little boy who cries at a loss but who, out of fear, does not open his mouth to complain, fearing that he will always be alone, trembling at those thoughts that play at ending his life as in the past trying to break that promise of being happy and accepting life.
And here I am life, wondering if perhaps they feel as I do, before the doubt, before the regret, what would have happened if perhaps... I am the one who still hopes that they remember me or miss me, when in reality they are smiling at life for the happiness of a love that is reciprocated where I am not the other.