This week @ecotrain shakes our foundations when it throws in our faces a few truths that we thought we didn't share and we have them. And it turns out that we do things that we think are annoying or at least unintelligent to get through life in peace. However, we fall into error repeatedly or as he makes clear in his approach:
I think we take judgment for granted, and most of us do not really even realize we are judging half the time. I think that is because judgment is one of those things that we often do silently in our minds, with no check and no filter to guide it. It seems natural and normal to judge people according to the same values that we hold for ourselves.. but is that actually even a smart way to live?
Becoming a judge and part of the actions of others, by our standards is almost as normal as eating, dressing or sleeping. It comes naturally to us, even if we think we don't or think it's an afterthought, we tend to slip in situations that are not necessarily extreme. This is because it borders on the values we have grown up with and those we have cultivated.
A question of values?
And it is time to continue asking questions to deepen this hole... Is it a value to judge? Is making value judgments invasive to others? And, again we stumble upon a stone that we will get over and over again on the way and that even though we try to avoid it because we think we know its location, it finds us and we stumble and fall and get up and continue to believe that we have acted in "good faith" because we criticize "constructively" so that the situation will improve, according to our point of view.
Then, we discover, if we are not obstinate, that we really value everything in relation to our principles that were taught and not because of that they are infallible, they are only rules of action to live in society, to get along as well as possible, but whether we want it or not, they are not absolute truths, nothing is. However, although we have learned "respect" and "tolerance", sometimes we fall into attitudes that exacerbate emotions and confront us with others who, in turn, are also defending their point of view.
Why do you judge?
Most of the time, people judge because it is part of a very human cultural aspect. We judge because our committed vision of what we know as "GOOD" or "BAD" is activated in the face of behaviors or defects that we would not consciously assume or know we have.
And, in this follow-up to ourselves when we become aware of rationing the judgments, we look at the famous Law of the Mirror "which establishes that our unconsciousness, helped by the psychological projection that we carry out during that moment, makes us think that the defect or displeasure that we perceive in others only exists "out there", not in ourselves". What we see as defective in others is actually our reflection. "Anger, generally, is with oneself and not with the other. In other words, everything begins and ends in the self, because it is a projection that plays with our mind as if our reality were a mirror that gives us back the image that we are generating".
Seen from within, we observe that our psychology intervenes or sabotages our spirituality. Yes, it seems hard to admit but it is so, our conditioning thrives on our emotions. In my case, I have cultivated the rationing of judgments to others and become a harsh judge for myself. Later, I learned to be more loving to myself, but I fall into judgment when it comes to my closest affections.
I explain: It is difficult for me not to question, with my attitudes, actions that from my point of view are wrong, manipulated or do not contribute anything. My emotional intelligence is pricked because I do not share, sometimes, how one falls into a "chronicle of a death foretold" in the face of avoidable issues. So, I reflect and understand that the growth of each one is individual and that no one grows in the head of another. But, it still hurts inside because one as a daughter, mother, wife, sister wants to save our loved ones or correct what I consider inadequate. And, here the title jumps on me: "Should we judge others by our own values?"
An old premise emerges: we judge based on our values. A transparent mantle that we should overcome, but it still envelops us. So, as Jung would say, "What you deny, submits you, and what you accept, transform you."
Emotional intelligence vs. judgment
Becoming aware of our emotions allows us to control, channel, modify and balance them for a better expression, treatment, and exchange with ourselves and with others. To use emotional intelligence is to understand ourselves and others with wisdom and for this: "we must detect the emotion behind our actions, not be fooled by emotional appearances, not judge our feelings, for something is there; discover the hidden message of our body language, control what we think and look for a why respectful to the performance of others without judging", because our frustration is a fire that is fanned in the judgment of others.
Thus, we slide down a slide that ensures that emotional intelligence has to do with age (maturity), genes, education received and childhood experiences. Likewise, it has been discovered in numerous scientific studies that it is possible to learn empathy and emotional management, but it is important to have unbiased feedback from others because we tend to think we are better than we are. So, "it is good to say that it is possible to improve our emotional intelligence with cognitive-behavioral therapies and self-pity". And, it makes sense, to the extent that we accept and forgive ourselves we will improve our inclination to judge others.
We cannot eliminate emotions, but we can be able to connect with them and understand how they influence us by finding their source. Focusing on feelings provides answers. Negative emotions are the warning that something is altering our inner self. We should not fight against them, we must understand them and obtain as much information as possible to face the challenge of the alerts that are triggered.
We almost always judge others by their reactions, but if we look for the reason for the reactions we will be able to understand people, if we get into the habit of doing so we will have a hard time getting angry with people because we will then understand that almost everyone has a reason for doing what we'll understand. But we also need space and respect for what we do and how we feel, learning to defend our rights, expressing our opinions and making suggestions in an honest way, without falling into aggression or passivity, respecting others, and above all, respecting one's own needs.
"As human beings, we all want to be happy and free from misfortune, we have all learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as hatred, attachment, fear, and suspicion, while love and compassion are the sources of peace and happiness."
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