What makes a Mistress/Master, Submissive/slave or Domme/Dom?
Before I begin, I just want to say I am not discussing the topic of mommy/daddy, littles, or sugar mamas/sugar daddies, or brats/ brat tamers in this piece as the dynamics are so very different in many ways. I may write about these in the future, or not. Oh and my opinions here are based on real-life interactions, scenarios, etc. again the dynamics are way different online and one day or many I'll be writing on this topic lots of negatives and positives.
Being a good submissive or dominant comes with a lot of responsibility on both ends, but the main responsibility always falls on the dominant. Below I have the definitions of a Mistress/Master, submissive/slave and, a Domme/Dom. I'll be going over the main differences between a submissive and a slave. And some insight into my qualities list and what I believe makes a good Mistress/ Master.
Qualities of a submissive should include but are not limited to the following:
*willingness to
- discuss their wants and needs (even if it may be hard or embarrassing)
- discuss their fears and dislikes (even if it may be hard or embarrassing)
- discuss safe words, taps, tactics
- discuss different kinds of punishment, playful, stern, and severe
- be willing to say when something isn't good for them or when to stop (if they can't they should consider themselves a slave, or should be punished)
Qualities of a dominant should include but are not limited to the following:
*require their sub to:
-go over all of the above (very important)
-be willing to meet the needs of the sub (very important)
-go over all requirements, punishments, hard limits (based on the above)
-be willing to reward your sub when they do well (one of my biggest pet peeves)
-be willing to change the dynamic as they evolve (if they do)
-care about the impact you have on their lives and don't take them for granted
-if they need something you are not willing to give you have to be dominant enough to tell them (you can put them in a mentee/mentor relationship if you both agree, for their safety)
-always put their safety first but in case of an accident, the willingness to go to the hospital with them
So, now I've outlined the most important things I will discuss more of why these things are important. But first, let us go over some basic definitions:
Mistress-
noun
a woman in a position of authority or control.
a woman having an extramarital sexual relationship, especially with a married man.
(can't speak for all but unless the wife is participating it's not happening here)
Master-
noun (these definitions leave a lot to be desired)
a man who has people working for him, especially servants or slaves.
a man in charge of an organization or group (or a single person).
submissive-
adjective
- ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive.
(need direction)
slave-
noun
- a person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them. (legality aside) (after initial agreements it's up to their master or mistress who, what, when, where, and why they do, unless the slave chooses to evolve)
Dom/Domme-
noun
- from Latin dominus ‘master’ (Domme is a feminine form so ‘mistress’)(no clue when this term came about I had always just referred to myself as a dom, top, or mistress)
Basically a mistress, master, and dominant are all tops in the same way that a slave and a submissive are both bottoms. A switch is someone who likes, wants, or needs to play both roles. The biggest difference between a submissive and a slave is that a submissive is often asked to do something whereas a slave is told to do something. Another common difference is that a submissive can think on their own all the time whereas the slave, even if, only secluded in the bedroom doesn't allow themselves to think, only do what their master or mistress wants. Some bottoms are only in that persona in their home or their bedroom and some are still in the closet. Whereas for some it is a lifestyle and they couldn't change if they wanted to.
As a Mistress, I want my sub/slave to evolve. I take great satisfaction in seeing them become more confident and sure of themselves. Especially when they hold their head up high outside in the real world. Watching them grow and turn their fears or dislikes into something positive.
For instance, a man who had panic attacks being tied up because of a bad experience but loved face-sitting. I would lay him down, crawl up his body and sit on his face using my legs to pin his arms or use my knees to pin his legs while I give him head, then take the actions to the next level by rewarding him for not panicking, even though he had no idea what I was doing till it was done. This helped him immensely, yet if at any time he struggled or tapped out I would have let him up immediately. Most importantly, I didn't do it for me I did it for him.
Another important point is, there shouldn't be any time limit on this interview like process. I like to take it down a few notches and call it building a relationship and getting to know each other to take it away from that business-like aspect. Plus to me, it is building a friendship. Just because somebody doesn't like, want, or need the same things that I do doesn't mean we can't be friends.
Most people, men especially, don't want to discuss their fears, much less dislikes, although there are a few that wear it as a badge of honor. I believe this has a lot to do with their self-confidence, false bravado, or something else entirely. I tend to leave the hate, dislike, and fear questions for last. By approaching it this way we have had time to build an understanding between us, like wading in the shallow end of the pool before diving into the deep end.
As a dom, you must not trust that your sub will use a safety word, tap out, or safe tactic when needed. A dom should always pay attention to body language and signs of distress and adjust then punish accordingly. Most people push boundaries, which is absolutely great in some cases, however, things can get dangerous in the world of kinks and fetishes. It's very important the dom in any situation has complete control and knows when to stop or lighten up.
I mentioned personal pet peeve above, rewarding your bottom is important. I feel that this boosts their self-confidence in a way no words can describe. I prefer to award good behavior rather than punish bad behavior. For example, my slave loves/needs to be spanked, so I use spanking as positive motivation. This decreases bad behavior while reinforcing good behavior. Much like raising a child.
Although I have turned many bottoms down without a worry for them, in one situation, I took a slave in for his own good, as his mentor. It would have been like playing Russian roulette with his life had I left him there. Also, I knew him enough to know he wouldn't hurt me or steal from me. I will write about this in more detail another time. Some people literally can't think for themselves. They need to have proper guidance and even the most independent people need help sometimes.
No one wants to go to the emergency room, much less alone, play safe, and be responsible. If the fuck swing breaks, and you and your partner end up on the floor in a heap of cuts and/or broken bones get to an emergency care or hospital. Warning, make sure you can explain to the professionals what happened. Also, be prepared to be embarrassed. The laws do not protect practitioners of kink or fetish lifestyles nor sexual contracts in a lot of countries especially not in the U.S.A.
I hope you all enjoyed the read. Just remember to be safe, play nice, have fun, and evolve!
P.s. Thank you google dictionary for the definitions presented. Lol