My Nurturing Secret - A Mother That hated to Mother |{[Part 1]}|

in #neoxian9 months ago

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These Scribbles are TL;DR - My #UnpopularOpinions being forced onto You [Part 1 of my Heart]


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🚨🚨 NSFW!! EXPLICIT THOUGHTS AND CONTENT AHEAD. What I say might be triggering, will be highly offensive, and completely controversial. It is a brutally honest ranting where I hold nothing back and you may be frightened or angry with the things I have to say.

READERS DISCREATION IS ADVISED. MATURE CONTENT 🚨🚨



I have been wanting to start this for awhile, using other people's opinions as literal prompts for my own musings. Keep in mind that the comment or quote I present in these is only meant to act as a prompt for launching my thoughts, this entire post is not meant to relate specifically to the quote nor is the entire thing meant to stay on topic.

It's not meant to be a literal reply, I guess it could be considered a collaborative thought (unofficially) or a continuation of the original quote, just please Uber if you see this, I'm not directing anything personally at you!!..

Basically I am not talking about the quote's author or their quote as the main topic to this post, this post is a compliment to them for being able to stir up my crazy #UnpopurThoughts enough that I feel compelled to share them with all of you.

Take this for example:

https://twitter.com/uber_trips/status/1220379584018952192

https://twitter.com/uber_trips/status/1220379579216474113

You can read more of the author's thought by following the links above, I just want to focus on this part specifically. I was going to reply tweet to @Uber_Trips but then I remembered how we are living in an age of lazy entitled netizens where the most common defense for stupidity is by simply throwing up the "TL;DR" acronym and calling it a day.

Why bother listening and possibly debating anyone else's view? Why bother enriching your mind with learning of another's point of view - why bother when your viewpoint is all the matters to you? Why does anyone else's thoughts matter in your life?

How DARE anyone try to show you another way of seeing things, how dare anyone question your facts? It's so much easier to shut them down by saying "TL:DR hur hurr hurr!!" than it is to wrap your mind around the thought that your views might not be the only right way..

*NB: The above rage was not to imply that @Uber_Trips has a closed mind, more specifically I am implying the majority of Twitter users can't read more than a few lines...

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Instead of taking my comments to Twitter I decided to do what I do best and Scribble about it on a blog, this way I can avoid the TL:DR and the comments to me that I should write a blog on it - well, here it is.

Dogs are People Too..

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"If you're allergic, too bad. You take the passenger. Worried they'll leave fur behind? Tough shit. You take the passenger" -- [@Uber_Trips][uber]

Frankly, it's sick that there has to be a disability involved for this to be the normal and accepted protocol. You don't see parents getting turned away from a restaurant or public transit because they have their children in toe - Why do I not get the same courtesy as a furparent?

Now before you stop me let me just say that I have a teenage son and I have a 4 year old male dog, call me crazy but I have more parenting 'emotions' about taking care of my dog than I ever did with my kid.

There are many of you who will be reading that last sentence over trying to understand how I can mean it, but that's the true me and there is nothing I can do about it. Trying to hide it just to blend in and get along with what society expects as normal would only be lying to myself.

Don't get me wrong, I love my son TO PIECES! He is utterly and completely made from me and because of that I will always remember what his skin feels like against my own, and his voice saying my name will forever be etched in the stone.

That doesn't mean I have to sacrifice my life just to be a mother or that my end goal in life needs to involve settling down just to raise a family. I am a woman who turned out to not enjoy the motherly things that come with being a parent.

I did not enjoy or feel it was right that I had to feel obligated to be a mother, to act a certain way or do certain things in order to be 'doing it right'. I hated getting up for school every single morning and fixing a lunch - literally forced to otherwise my child would starve and I'd be charged with neglecting him.. I utterly hated being a mother.

This was something I already knew at a young age - I knew at around 14 that I never wanted to be a bride nor bare a child. Almost a perfect 2 for 2, but along the way life had other plans and all I can say is I have never made such a hard decision in my life.

If you've never been in those shoes you would never know the agony a woman feels when she knows her pregnancy is doomed but she still has an awful forever decision to make. I thought in the past if I'd ever gotten pregnant by accident, heaven forbid, that I would be able to terminate the pregnancy without another thought. That or adoption would be an easy call to make.

NOPE. Not only was the announcement unexpected, but I literally saw my world come crashing down when the doctor told me I was pregnant. I was in his office for a checkup to deal with what I thought was menstrual pains, had asked me if I could be pregnant and I replied there was no way... he took two pee tests and a physical before he was sure enough to say.. I was pregnant.

Immediately it was like lightening crashing in my eyes as my body got weak and all I could say was 'No, No, No No please don't say that No' and I stayed there a good 15 minutes just crying my eyes out.

I was doomed. I knew I wasn't cut out to bring a child to the world, but there were these thoughts inside me that just could not settle with the decision of termination. Even adoption was an idea that I couldn't get to sit well - I was even approached by an old family neighbor with the offer that they would want to adopt him, because they were unable to conceive.

EVEN WITH THAT, I still could not get over the thoughts of "What ifs" and the torments that may or may not haunt me for the rest of my life if I was to terminate or give him to strangers and try to forget..

All selfish, but are we not allowed to be selfish at times like this when our life is on the line. It is my life. Regardless of creating a new life, I should still have the right to live mine to the fullest.. and I can't live my life properly without thinking selfishly during crucial times..

Nothing is ever that black and white. I hated being a mother, never wanted it and still brought a life into the world...

You can easily shame me and ask me what was I thinking, why would I bring a life in if I knew it's not what I wanted and something that I could not keep up to.. you must understand that all this happened to me when I was only 19 - not a promiscuous slut either.

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My son was literally conceived from a broken condom, it is something I never ever expected to have to deal with. It can and does happen, the meme is not a lie.

I went years with a previous partner never using protection in the later years and not once ever did we have a pregnancy scare - then I am single awhile and find a new partner, being careful and one little accident set an entire wave over my life forever. Nothing is ever as easy as it looks at first view.

This is why it's even more important to read what people have to say, learn what makes them tick and learn how they perceive things, we can even learn a lot about ourselves through someone else.

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I hated being a 'housewife' stay-at-home mom. Even as I went out into the working world, I then had to come home and put on that mom face. I was miserable.

I lasted 10 years before I couldn't go on anymore. The depression caught up with me and put me in a bad place, a place where I couldn't even care for my son if I wanted to. I am so grateful for my parents, so grateful that they took him in no questions asked. If not for them my son would have been apprehended by social services for sure and his life would have been even more screwed up than I made it already...

He is so well off with them and they love him like the son they never had (I am an only child). The love they have for him goes right through them, they LOVE taking care of him, the same way I should have felt - but instead that's exactly how I felt when I rescued my pup.

Stay tuned to find out the moral and meaning of my story, it will all make sense in the end I swear. I've shared too much of my craziness already, I'm sure you are all eager to Steam on.. but those of you who care to pay attention for the conclusion might just be treated with a little something extra special..

For now, Blessed Be, and thank you for following me.
© ~«[Kharma♪Scribbles]»|°2020



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Tags: #neoxian, #palnet, #motherhood, #abortion, #unpopularscribbles, #unpopularopinion, #my-truth, #rant, #opinion, #dogs


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