Leave your dignity at the door
Leave your dignity at the door!
As I lay in on the trolley waiting to be brought to the procedure room my mind began to drift. What if they find something, what if it is malignant, what if I only have years, months, weeks, days to live? What will I do with my last waking hours. How will I break the news to my family. I could picture the heartbreak on my wife's face, or is that relief? That is still debatable. My thought process was broken by an approaching figure, an attractive doctor made her way towards me. She smiled with kind eyes. My thoughts immediately went to the impending procedure. What is this clearly caring lady doctor going to think when she sees my ass for the first time? Should I have shaved ? maybe waxed? Would anal bleaching have gone too far? some thing like a vajazzle? Oh my, the embarrassment levels of a 40 year old man should never reach this level. let alone for a "standard" procedure. I gathered my thoughts. She began to speak, a soothing and comfortable tone came from her lips as she asked how I was feeling. We went through my family history, she said "you did the right thing", "there is nothing to be embarrassed about", "we do these things all the time and there is nothing we haven't seen before". My thoughts again began to drift, what is the weirdest thing that they have found in someone's butt? Instantly I thought of the weird stuff, Barbies, fruits, veg etc, what about the weird stuff... no mind, stop, pay attention to the Doctor, she is trying to reassure you. Listen to her soothing voice, she explains the procedure more.
SRC. Was she going to turn into a horror movie femme fatale.
Firstly we will do a physical exam of the anus. Wait, what? my eyes instantly focus on her fingers! Are they long, fat, are her nails trimmed, what about a big stinking solitaire ring? What medieval device will be brutalizing my exit only door? Thankfully she was a dainty handed lady, no massive fingers, no jagged nails or protruding jewellery. Well, this might end up being a new and pleasant experience I thought to myself. How would Mrs Unit feel about a bit of back door play? My world became a different place, one filled with nervous excitement. I mean we all know that the male G-spot is in the back passage. What if she gave me a little tickle there and I blew a load of swimmers all over my hospital issue elasticated pants? Would they hold all that Mr Moon could give? Never mind the anal exploration that was about to take place, what if that happened? Would I be on the sex offenders register? Could I end up replacing Mrs Moon with a Mr Moon? So many thoughts and unanswered questions, OK, park all that, the Dr was still talking. "After the physical exam of the anus we will insert the scope" riiiiiiigggggghhhhtttt. Scope, what exactly is that about? How big is this scope I ask, are we talking cucumber or gherkin size? I know I could handle a gherkin, I mean I have had bigger shits than a gherkin, so that should fit in and out with relative ease. "No, no" she said, "the scope is a flexible thing like a rope but a bit more solid". instantly I think of drain cameras. You know the type that usually large men covered in sewerage use to discover where the blockage is in your drains.
You know, this type of thing...
My mind was at ease with the Dr, her tone and demeanor was soothing and well rehearsed. You could tell she had done this before. "Look, just leave your dignity at the door" she said. She was as at ease as I was now. OK, Lets do this I say. She says "OK great lets go into the procedure room and you can meet Dr Ivanov"..... What? wait, this cant be right, I thought the dainty finger lady doctor was going to be gracing my rectum with a slight fingering. The trolley moved slowly into the room. My eyes locked focus on a mountain sized figure in the corner, lurch from the Adams family immediately sprang to mind but as the trolley moved further into the room I could see that it was infact more of an Andre the giant looking mother fucker with hands bigger than my head! His fingers were like two of my own stuck together then wrapped in pastry and deep fried, not one smooth surface to be seen, I prayed that he would some how slip as he approached and I could be saved by my beautiful angel doctor who had now evaporated. This had gone from a possible exploitative sexual experience with a good looking doctor to the rape scene from American history X in the blink of an eye! Thanks be to Christ I was getting knocked out for this one! As Dr Ivanov approached he began to speak, "Now little puny man" he said "what is wrong with your chocolate maker?", "Have we got some cancer in there or not", "Do not worry my friend, I will take good care of you" Ok these were not his exact words but I couldn't tell you what they were, my mind had turned from red silk sheets, candles lit in the background to a saw-esq dungeon rape scene with a demented giant fisting my chocolate highway.
Dr Ivanov reached my trolley, his massive frame now dwarfed me. I felt like the classic "rabbit in the headlights". He gloved up, coated his hand in what seemed to be about 2 gallons of industrial grade lube. With his unlubed hand he caressed, my rump, spread my cheeks and began. Thankfully the sedation that angel Dr had given me had started to take effect, as I drifted in and out of consciousness my nightmare was revisited many times over. Hugging my pillow I simply accepted my fate and let myself go into sleepy land. The next thing I awoke, I was back in the ward, wrapped up warm and snuggled into a thick blanket. My sense of security returned, my browney star now relaxed once more. I gathered my thoughts and awaited my results. How can I tell Mrs Moon about my recent ordeal? She would always see the lighter side. Having given birth to our three children I could almost sense the impending statement of "well, now you have a little idea of what that's about". I could hear her sing it now! Oh and just to let you know, I have a wonder colon and a completely healthy guy. Dr Ivanov was very impressed with my chocolate highway. Impeccable was the word he used.
On a serious note, Men, cop the fuck on. Get your checks done. It is not that big of deal. Would you rather a few min of embarrassment or a sit down with a Dr telling you you should have done something. If you have any symptoms, A change in your bowel habits, including diarrhoea or constipation or a change in the consistency of your stool, that lasts longer than four weeks. Rectal bleeding or blood in your stool. Persistent abdominal discomfort, such as cramps, gas or pain. A feeling that your bowel doesn't empty completely. Weakness or fatigue. Unexplained weight loss. Speak up! Don't let your embarrassment kill you.
I originally published this piece 2 years ago on whaleshares as an entry to a comedy open mic contest, I do hope you enjoy and voting is not required.