The Dark Side Of Empathy
" The problems we face as a society and as individuals are rarely due to lack of empathy. Actually, they are often due to too much of it. "
― Paul Bloom, Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion
( I know this quote probably made you furiously raise an eyebrow or two. Yet I highly recommend you read Paul Bloom’s extraordinary book. Fascinating and eye opening from start to finish – I could not put it down. )
While I highly dislike the use of labels, if there is one that I actually like using to describe myself as a human being, it is the one of an empath. While it is a trait I would never want to not possess – it nevertheless has felt like a curse in disguise multiple times in my life. Even so that once my therapist told me: "But that’s not your responsibility Sabrina! You should not accept people’s vile behaviors because they once had been victims too. " Feeling with my heart rather than my head has worked against me time and again. It hurts to carry a heart full of love and compassion to give in a world that can be so cruel.
Some may stand with the belief that humans are inherently selfish beings by nature. Some may think that we are naturally drawn to exhibit empathy toward others. But the fact is that to the exclusion of psychopaths and sociopaths, most of all display both ways of being at a time or another. We can be empathetic in a particular situation, while refraining to be so in a circumstance that we deem uncomfortable/risky/difficult to handle, etc.
Like kindness, I am a firm believer that empathy has to be modeled to us from a young age as it is a healing antidote for humanity. Like a radio, empathy can be turned on and off. For best results, pump up the volume!
However, the uncomfortable truth regarding empathy is that too much of it can backfire. When you constantly put yourself in other people’s shoes, you risk losing your own. Yet I never liked the idea of being empathetic but in a selective way – that is, showing empathy solely to individuals you think are worthy of receiving it. I’ve always thought it went against the very nature of empathy. After all, isn’t often the ones who are the most difficult that need it the most?
Recently, I came across a tweet from Neil deGrasse Tyson who is an astrophysicist, and here is what he wrote:
In the past 48hrs, the USA horrifically lost 34 people to mass shootings. On average, across any 48hrs, we also lose… 500 to Medical errors 300 to the Flu 250 to Suicide 200 to Car Accidents 40 to Homicide via Handgun. Often our emotions respond more to spectacle than to data.
If you read Paul Bloom’s book, you will get a more in-depth idea of the different ways by which empathy can work against the ones who deploy it. Seen from another perspective, this example illustrates how our biases often work under our conscious radar. It also shows that our emotions rule our decisions, many of which aren’t rational when you come to examine them closely. The solution? I’d be tempted to say that by being aware of our biases, we can take their power away. Awareness is – and always will be – one of the biggest game changers.
Thank you for this post.
I have been writing a book based on how empathy could affect the world. In other words, a mutant child is born with the gift of empathy.
Although her gift keeps growing, she is also, for her own survival, forced to grow stronger and learn how to defend herself.
As with many writers, I allowed the characters to take control of their story and the results, with regard to how empathy affects us, surprised me and also forced me to rethink what a positive empathy could or should become.
As with so much else, it is not just empathy itself that is wrong or right, it is how we define the rules of empathy.
Wow! Your comment is one of a kind!💜💜 Very insightful and inspiring ^^
Do you intend on publishing the book? Is it out yet?
Thanks.
I should have added at the end (it was my intention but I forgot), the rules of empathy demand that there should be no victim - which includes you, yourself. You have the right to the space the universe has allotted you and have equal rights, which means that anyone appealing to your sense of empathy so as to take advantage of your kindness, they must be stopped - even if they are doing so subconsciously.
As for the book...it is actually 13 books written and the 14th that I was writing, until I decided it is more important I preserve the books by putting them on the blockchain. I have used Steemit for that purpose, but I have not succeeded in acquiring readers because it goes against what most people believe today (my LC family are not blind followers of what is considered PC).
Plus, when I started writing in the early 1990s (check and you will see I am right), child pornography or kiddie sites, were legal. Seeing them (in those days I knew nothing about how to prevent my browser opening 30 to 40 pages without my wanting it) I was enraged at what I saw and wanted to kill them. Then I decided that I should try speaking to them.
I found a site where everyone posting there kept saying, 'never buy photos or videos, you are only financing more children to be harmed' and 'never touch a child, it is not worth destroying a life just for 30 seconds of pleasure'.
I decided that my little mutant girl would teach them that children are not just bodies, that they have hearts, souls and personalities and that it is our duty to protect them.
I became fairly well known among them as the only anti-pedofilia person who argued against child-sex, without making accusations or being nasty - so my story soon had about 740 readers. I had people contact me on pm asking for help as they wanted to commit suicide and I also had some tell me they were presented with the opportunity to have sex but did not because they thought of Cherine (my empathic girl).
So, many may not like that the family is made up of children loving an adult, but it was the best way to help real life children. There is very little sex described in the story but a lot of descriptions of their feelings (which of course bores most people).
A number of people who started reading my posts gave up and I do not mind, as it shows they are against harming children. However, there are millions who think nothing of causing harm to them and, to me, children are precious and I will continue to post in the hopes a few read and stop themselves from harming a child, because of Cherine and the other girls becoming so real to them.
I think you got more of an answer than you were looking for, so, sorry if I sort of overwhelmed you. I did not want you to start reading if it is going to upset you.
A few pertinent facts as found in scientific journals:
empathy is not something we are born with, we learn it from our parents. As most parents now work, they expect their children to learn from their teachers, who do nothing to teach them about becoming good human beings. It was feared that empathy might die out, but the scientists were wrong, as you mentioned, the pc culture took everything to the other extreme, so that now empathy is used as a weapon against us.
even those who are empathic, their sense of empathy is coloured by their culture. If you come from a village in Africa where 2 out of 5 kids die from malaria and you see people die of starvation, your empathy is less 'soft'. If you were viciously abused as a child and grow up to become an abuser, and a Cherine opens you to empathy, feeling the pain of your victims only increases your pleasure, for you learnt as a child that the pain is something they should experience.
I am elderly and only recently woke up to how the world has changed, how the so-called elite feel they have the right to abuse and kill children and though I am grateful to Trump for ordering the arrest of all paedophiles, with more than 10,000 of them in prison thanks to him, I fear that life for the children will only get worse before it gets better.
I accept for myself, what Robert in the story says, that each adult is responsible for all the children of the world, and I feel that despite my book, I have badly failed the children. As you said, empathy can feel like a curse but I would not want to lose it. I would rather die a human being, than an elite unfeeling monster.
Oh dear! I was so wanting to be a famous "social justice warrior" if I grow up.
Sometimes love is a rose, sometimes a hammer.
Quote from The Sufi Tavern
Saying 4
Shaykh Hamdun al-Qassar (the founder of the path of blame) said: The beauty of the poor person is in his humility, but in case he gets proud because of it, then his pride is more excessive than the pride of a rich person.
Tavern? Let's go for some beer. It would be fun to see the famous onceuponatime drunk, LoL
The beauty of @onceuponatime is in his wisdom he shares with me.
Would love to share a beer or two with him on this magnificent boardwalk:P
Yeah, I'm kinda one myself.
Screw that. I totally think you...actually...I don't "accept" it, I try to understand it. We're all humans. Some of us might be sociopaths or psychopaths...but they're still humans. My efforts to understand people and accept that they are fucked in the head but they should still be treated like humans shapes my opinions on a number of things, like prison reform.
Those people just made mistakes, or were shaped by their life. They shouldn't be treated like they're hopeless and just shoved into a box for years as some primitive form of payback for their crimes. That's just cruel.
If more people were empathetic to their plight, we'd actually have a lot less people in prison, because we would understand that people make mistakes, and we would ensure that they go through programs that actually reform them, without shoving them in a box. Or hell, we could still shove them in a box, but instead something more akin to a dorm. If you had to attend classes for 2 or 4 years or whatever that taught you how to be a better person, and at the end you could get a job in a field of your choosing, hopefully as a better person.
Quite a few countries have tried out making facilities that are less like prisons...and it works. We could totally design a system that wouldn't be so cruel.
Hell, we could even possibly get them working in different ways for real wages, paying off some of the cost of taking care of them. In America they have them working for slave wages, yet they still have to pay for things in prison, meaning female prisoners can't even afford to pay for pads or tampons if they go over their allotment. That's fucked up.
A group of workers to instantly work on whatever you need without having to go through a bunch of resumes is already pretty valuable. They don't have to pay them slave wages when they gotta pay for a lawyer too, if they wanna have one that's not useless.
I have no problem being empathetic. I feel for the plight of even the worst criminals. Even if they have committed crimes...they're still humans. They should be treated humanely. From what I know of the prison system in America and certain other countries...that's not really how they're treated. Hell, people think it's funny that they can be raped.
Of course they are. They're also communal. We're the next evolution from a pack animal. We form packs and use communication and working together to extend that pack to a much larger community.
To a degree. I learned my level of empathy over time. Probably a lot of it a lot older than when I was young. But I suppose I was always a bit more empathetic than most.
Yeah...that's really weird. It doesn't quite sound right. Something wrong with that.
I got really annoyed that people gave him so much shit over that. Of course I've followed Neil's work and listened to quite a few podcasts of his and talks and such. I've heard him talk about this before. He's totally right. We let our emotions cloud our thinking. Of course we should address gun violence...but there are a lot of things we need to address...and quite a few of them are ignored.
Those medical examples could definitely be reduced to an extreme degree if medical wasn't so fucked in America.
There's also heart disease and obesity, which are totally caused by corporations pushing sugar down our throats, among other things.
But the news focuses on shootings. If they decided to focus on another problem for whatever reason, people would start to care about that.
The shootings are a horrible issue that we should address...but it's not like the politicians are actually putting forth real solutions. Background checks only keep guns out of the hands of criminals. Assault weapons bans only keep them from getting assault styled weapons, which means nothing. It's just a style or look. Might as well make black guns illegal. Mentally ill people are actually less likely to shoot anyone as well. They're more likely to be victims. Red flag laws are unconstitutional, since they involve taking the guns from people who often haven't committed a crime. They could possibly stop a few shooters though, if someone thinks someone is a danger. But to do that they'd take the guns away from a lot of people, and some of them might resist. Banning bump stocks and huge magazines might help a lot...if they couldn't be 3D printed so damn easily.
Empathy is a good thing...but only if we use our heads. Right now we're all tired of these shootings, and we're letting these politicians play games pretending they're gonna do something when it's a hugely complex issue.
For the gun issue, I'd say the intelligent thing to do would be to treat it like a numbers game. We should maybe limit the guns that are available in big box stores, so people have to go to specialty stores, perhaps that require more scrutiny. Maybe require training courses to buy a gun. Maybe include a psyche eval with the background checks. Maybe require further training and evaluations for different levels of guns.
Also maybe require cops to be certified sharp shooters to carry a gun, and do training in hand to hand combat, because they're more likely to be shot by their own gun than by anyone else's. Less cops with guns also means less criminals with guns, since cops getting machine guns actually were the reason gangsters got them back in the day. If criminals know having a gun will bring sharp shooters that will kill them, but not having a gun will only get them maybe tazed? They won't carry guns.
Empathy is important. We just need to use our brains too. Right now, in regards to many things in society, we need a lot more empathy. It's costing us a lot of money and people's lives.
Jesus I talked a lot this time. Sorry.
I wasn't sure I was going to finish reading this until i did. You have truly grasped the idea in the post, and I appreciate how much time and thoughts you've given to your comment.
I would have to read Paul Bloom's book someday. This is a topic that interests me because I've been on the receiving end of pain and ungratefulness because I showed empathy. Maybe it was a bit too much. I dunno. But for a long time now, I've been more selective of the people I care about, even to the point of ignoring needs of some of them even when it hurts. Somehow, you're more likely to be underappreciated, exploited or taken for granted when you show more empathy, and you're likely to be noted when you don't show it enough. Some victims love to stay victims as long as they're benefiting from it and would cast you off the moment they're tired. You realize that while you really poured your heart into it, some people just don't deserve it.
I am wary of showing empathy because of the way people think and work. It might not be what empathy embodies in its entirety, but there's no rule stopping anyone from being selective. As humans, we want the stuff we cannot have, the attention we cannot get, and perhaps value these over the ones we already have. When you descend low to help others up, some people see that and they love you for what you've done. Others appreciate you for a while, but stick around and they begin to think you're shitty yourself, and that's probably why you cared.
Like you've said, "empathy is important. We just need to use our brains too." Too much simply kills.
I don't think I've expressed my thoughts well enough with this comment, but I know what it felt like, and I don't want to be that guy anymore.
The one and only @geekpowered !
You better start getting comfortable with them compliments cuz I can smell them coming your way;)
Your commentary is just gold! I really stand by you 200% on the prison reform. I would have never expected someone to bring it up, and it amazes me that you did. It is definitely something I have talked about and thought of for a long time as well. I barely - if ever, watch the news, but there's certain instances when I hear about crimes that have been committed, and while it depends on what the offense was, there have been many times where I found myself feeling for the person. Both for the victim and the offender. I had 2 philosophy teachers in my life who taught philosophy in prison, and I would always look forward to hearing about their teaching stories. It inspired me that they chose to teach in prison.
Scientific studies have actually proved that staying in a dark box by your own for even just a couple of days make one become delusional from a psychological point of view. Rare are the offenders that stay locked up in jail for years on end and come out of there cultivating empathy in their heart. More often the contrary - and quite understandably considering how they are treated there.
You make such good points. So sweet how you said that to me yesterday: "There's probably some job out there that you would excel at you are so good." But I am so throwing back that one your way!💚 Look at you!
You summed it up so well by saying : "Empathy is a good thing...but only if we use our heads" 👌
Thanks so much for taking the time to write this brilliant and meaningful comment buddy. It means more than you know! 😘
Yeah...there's overwhelming evidence to support the fact that solitary confinement drives you insane and is not health. We actually got rid of it for a long ass time, because we knew it wasn't healthy. I can't remember the dumb reason we brought it back.
Sadly, prison itself isn't that far from it though. No one should be put in those conditions.
Why shouldn't we be trying to deal with the criminals of our society intelligently?
Some of them just got caught with weed or some other drug. Like that should be a minor offense. You had a substance the government doesn't approve of...take it away...figure out where they got it, and do some community service or something.
But even if someone murdered someone...that doesn't give you the right to torture them. You have to sleep on a cot, deal with investations of bugs and rats, cold nights, never having companionship, gotta work hours on end just for a candy bar so you have a few moments of pleasure. It's just sick.
But if anyone ever tries to argue for their rights, it's nearly impossible, because some view them unworthy of any empathy. They committed a crime and they are less than garbage.
Except even garbage is actually really valuable, and it's kinda dumb to just throw it away.
Thank you for this good post, Sabrina. I've left a reply to someone's comment here. I gave you a follow as well. I don't spend much time on here anymore, sadly. But when I come around, it'll be cool to read such posts from you whenever you have them up. Thank you.
I don't know which guy you don't want to be but the comment you wrote under mister geek powered touched my heart deeply. I related to your thoughts on every level. 💜
It's a tough love kind of world out there and rare are the people who don't carry at least one bad bone in them:P
Thanks so much for your sweet words! They made me smile:) I really really hope you will be back around soon because I so want to read your wise and insightful feedbacks. One love @pangoli :) :)
Thank you. I'll try to stick around.
Aw!
Looking forward for that:)
Take care of your beautiful soul in the meantime 💜
Somewhat related is the old saying: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Thanks for the book recommendation - I grabbed it. I live in a country where feelies are being placed over results and the consequent knee jerking from crisis to crisis is making things worse.
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Wow! I love that saying! I used to say it sometimes back in the day:P
You're sweet! It touches me that you're keen on reading that book:) It's an amazing read, you won't regret it:) it will challenge you intellectually ^^