Self-Sabotage – False Means Of Self-Preservation
“ Self-sabotage is like a game of mental tug-of-war. It is the conscious mind versus the subconscious mind where the subconscious mind always eventually wins. “ -Bo Bennett
Self-sabotage likes to flirt around with worthlessness - they feed off each other’s toxicity to become one. Self-hatred is the sneaky little guy that unconsciously pushes us to turn our defenses on and deliberately make us fuck up whatever good thing we had going. In other words, we sabotage because at the core of our being, we don’t feel worthy. While this feeling of unworthiness can be the product of many things – more often than not its origin is to be found in our childhood story.
When we are young, we are completely dependent on our caregivers. When they do not attend to us and our needs, we are left with only one option – finding a way to ensure our survival. The coping mechanisms we find ourselves forced to use are our only chance at staying alive. From this undeserved state of helplessness emerges a set of beliefs that we form in order to make sense of the utter nonsense that is happening to us during those years.
Our caregivers intentionally or not sent us the message that our needs don’t matter. That relying on others is pointless as no one will care to our needs anyway. That our feelings are invalid. That trust is an empty promise that gets broken time and again. We have been let down as children, and as a result, we have let ourselves down as adults. While we are no longer victims of a reality in which we had no control over as children, we still, consciously or not, carry these maladaptive beliefs and coping mechanisms into our adult lives.
We use our broken inner compass to sail through the stormy waters of the world. Unless we consciously choose to heal from the wounds of our childhood, we will keep on replaying the broken record that was the soundtrack of our younger years. The hurt inner child in us won’t accept anything that he hasn’t tasted during his childhood. Poison is the only medicine he’s ever had, he doesn’t know better and he won’t want better until he’s healed.
We will throw away all the good stuff coming our way because we have internalized, a long time ago, that we aren’t worthy of much. We don’t want anything, expect for a replica of our childhood story. By trying to protect ourselves, we end up ruining for ourselves the chance of creating a happier and healthier story.
