No shortage of pain
Appearances can be extremely deceiving. This picture was taken this morning. It looks like I'm having a good time being a flirty little bitch. Thats just one of my superpowers. Hiding my insanity behind a cute fucking face.
I am terribly unwell. Even so that this is my second post of the day which I never do. I am losing the fuck out of my mind. This is just nuts. My body is so numb it won’t even allow me to cry a fucking River. I can’t go on another day like this. My highlight of the day is when I take my seroquel at night that knocks me out so bad my mind can finally go to rest. I want a normal mind. I’m on my knees fucking begging for this to stop. I need to restore my sanity in less than 18 days to go back to Uni and I love school so much but not when I’m like this. The thought of swallowing my bottle of pills is so fucking present and it terrifies me. Because I fucking love life. I do. But not when my demons are awake. And they have been keeping me awake every single day of this year. I can’t keep up with appearances no more. I don’t even know how I do it to cope with this mess without even drowning my fuckedupness in alcohol.
I will be gone for a while. I love writing to death but I can barely sit and write shit that makes sense. I love you guys. 💜 I hope I can fix my self
I don't know what to say, other than I also hope you can get into a better state of mind. I've been reading some of your past posts here, and they are interesting and thought provoking. I like your content. I understand that you'll be gone a while as you do what you need to do, but I look forward to seeing you here again. :)
Wow 💜 you are such a gem! Thank you so much that means more than you know! You’re too sweet. Bless your beautiful soul hun:))
Thanks for the nice reply! Sending blessings to you too :)
In your previous posts I've read that running is your greatest passion. Considering the state you're in right now as described above will not solve your miserable feeling instantly. But you could give it a try and maybe feel already just a little bit better.
Anyway, hope you'll get things straightened out soon. Take care you.
You’re so thoughtful and sweet!💜 Thank you so much! ironically I still manage to run almost everyday. It’s my anchor 💓
I have no real insights to offer other than my own perspective but writing always seems to help for me even if it does not make sense or turns out to be a completely self-indulgent exercise of exploration. I just write it all out and one way or another I at least feel better for having done so. The most difficult thing to do is to control/influence the narrative of my thoughts and keep them from contributing to a downward spiral which is no easy feat especially this time of year but after doing it daily (once or twice a day) for almost three years straight I have undergone quite the transformation!
Thanks for sharing your truths and keep fighting the good fight.
You have no idea how inspiring your words are to me Jacob. After reading them yesterday it filled my heart with hope. I have been writing a shit ton in my journal the past months and sometimes when I find myself doing it “too often”, I start feeling guilty and even stop myself from doing it because for some reason I have convinced my mind that I shouldn’t have to.
Thanks so much for your message. Never underestimate the impact of your own perspective 💜 it brought a glimmer of light to my darkness
I am glad that you enjoyed it and you are quite welcome @steemityourway.
For many years (a few decades actually) I wrote in private journals rather compulsively and often felt a similar guilt for spending so much time doing it but alas my justification (reason) to continue doing it was that I found it to be extremely therapeutic because it helped me to 'process' my dreams, thoughts and often rampant emotions.
A few years back I quit journal writing altogether (in physical notebooks that I seldom showed anyone) and started writing only stuff to be shared online. Although I enacted that change for a number of reasons my main reason was that I had found myself in a cycle of 're-enforcing' my own bad ideas and perpetuating an unhealthy state of mind.
I often joke that 'writing is my worse vice' but a least now I do something truly productive with it instead of filling journals and storing them away in boxes to never be opened again.
I will reply to your other comment on my other post momentarily.
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lol
It is wintertime. Maybe you need to get out of the arctic?
I think alcohol can cause depression.
LOL AT THE GIFF!!!! I can’t 😂😂👌
For sure. Any abuse of substance can wreck havoc. Luckily for me I can’t take too much with the meds I take. And I no longer see my neighbour who would make me drunk everyday lol so I guess the Universe has my back in some way;)
I have a comment. 😜 lol
Psych meds can kill you too.
Hi there, I’m so sorry to read of your suffering.
Have you ever looked into Niacin (vitamin B3)? It can work wonders. Have a look at this stripped down interview and then there are more in depth ones as well.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DhIHkJ-P69k