2019 - A Year Of Loss
“Amazing how being bathed in arterial blood can wash out any lingering romantic disappointments.”- Diana Peterfreund
2019, you broke my heart in many ways. Most of it I’ve spent battling the hell going on inside my own mind. Just when I thought the demons were gone, they came back rushing full force. 2019 has been a year of loss. I lost my mental health. My job and the beautiful bond I had built with my student. I lost my abstinence. My pride. I lost the most precious thing for me to hold onto: my inner piece.
From perfect composure to perfect destruction, the madness in my mind took away my sanity. And yet, loving my inner child to pieces wasn’t enough for me to restore it. My mental illness is spiralling out of control and the best I can do is stare at the inevitable destruction. Caution tape wrapped all around me, it takes very little for me to break inside.
December is my least favorite month of the year. I dread Christmas. To all the people that don’t have a family or that have a dysfunctional one, my heart goes out for you. The month of December has a very sour taste in my mouth. It reminds me of extremely painful memories that I have been through 2 years ago. It reminds me of spending the holidays near the toilet, not because I was drunk, but because I was throwing up the torture I had gone through for too long.
2019 twisted the heck out of my heart, adding a few more scars to it. I relived the most dreaded fear of mine: the fear of abandonment. Suicide has been on my mind quite a lot, but the love I have for my mother stops me each time I reach this dark fucking place.
I don’t know what will save me, but at this point medication is my one and only hope. I have tried it all. Therapy. Physical activity. Meditation. Journaling. I do all these things actively. And yet i feel so fucked. I am shitless scared. I’m terrified of being in this state. I’m petrified that it won’t go away. I want my inner piece back. I want bliss back. I want my health back. That’s all I want for the rest of my life.
Hang in there, being able to write and express your feelings here is a good sign that things will improve for you. You will get back your health and inner peace.
you're a gem Thom.💚
Thanks so much! that means a lot to me Xo
Sounds like 2019 was a crap year for you. I can only hope that 2020 is much much better. Wishing you all the best!
Hopefully you can get a better job in 2020 and maybe even a better boyfriend. 😊
It's definitely been a dicey year here as well and it's given me plenty of reminders that self awareness and healing are not a one way street to perfection, it is what it is. Hang in there, try not to be too hard on yourself, and most importantly, don't forget to breathe. Much love.
You're too kind! Thank you so much @clayboyn. 💜💜
Have you looked into certain plant medicines like Ayahuasca or Iboga? Mind you, the government thinks these things should get people locked up in cages, so to actually do something like this, you'd have to most likely travel outside the country to have this sort of experience (not that you'd even necessarily want to, these are certainly not for everyone) but Dr. Gabor Mate has done some very good healing work with Ayahuasca, do some research into him and the medicine... It's definitely like I said not for everyone; but for those who do go through with it it is life changing to the core, even after one time, sometimes 'it doesn't work' but from what I hear even those times it does do something, just not what you'd expect. I'll link some vids to illustrate just to give an inkling of what this sort of thing could entail; but of course at no time is any of this medical or even personal advice - I am just sharing what I have heard from others for informative purposes only... I'd say probably give the videos a bit of a chance because for a lot of it, it sounds like ... damn... "that doesn't sound fun at all" and it's not necessarily supposed to be that (if that wasn't obvious enough...) But yeah, I have only heard good things, just that another thing that goes without saying is your 'know your source' if you're going to travel into the jungle god damn better well be sure to know who you're going to be dealing with. Duh.
Here is a link to a website with lots of people's experiences regarding "Mother Ayahuasca" if you are interested.
Another very powerful one is iboga... but once again highly illegal-illegal stuff, I guess understandably so because I guess it's possible to die from that on a large enough dose, but I guess that's okay in the case of Alcohol which kills tens of thousands... but hey, it's socially acceptable, in fact, often encouraged! Oh well, 🤷 Link to some iboga experiences
Also something else worth checking out is this documentary https://www.dosedmovie.com/ which is just coming out now actually (in very select theatres of course, there's a list of screenings on the site)
I know it's completely 'unconventional' information but there are options, and it does seem like ollopathic medicine is starting to have a bit more of an open mind like this wired article points out
I'm not saying don't go for the medication, just, know there are potentially other options ... Altough maybe not: like the ministers and ministerettes on parliament hill make these an option for most people anyways, at least not yet. 'You can fool some people sometimes...' Anyways that's my semi-cynical uberlong steem comment for the week, thanks for sharing... it is indeed a struggle from time to time to put it lightly, just got to keep on keeping on, you are doing well even if that might not seem the case some days! Know that u do make a difference in peoples lives.
Ditto that!