Just thoughts. Also, are you a bully? I kind of hate you right now.

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(Edited)

Hey. How are you? Just dandy, I hope. I'm alright. This morning was nice. I stood out on the back porch and lifted my head back and felt sprinkles of rain on my face. Not a lot, just enough to put me in that state of mind that makes me feel like I am one with the universe. It helped. I needed that. My coffee mug was warm in my hands. I love that feeling.

I'm aware that I am blessed, let me begin this letter to you by saying that much, at least. Also, a question; do you have a nice drink in your hand? Why not go get one? This will be a bit of a long read. Perhaps you need some goodness to accompany my badness. I've heard it helps.

Or maybe, would you like to hear some music while you read? I can sing to you. Warning.. my voice is weird. Weird voice ahead. This was a very long time ago.. maybe 1999. I used my strangest voice back then.

Current mood. Silver Train


To be honest, (as I tend to do when I'm not lying about my birthday or my age,) It was a rough night. It was a hard week every day last week, actually. I think I cried every night. Do you ever have weeks like that? Tears without warning...

The weakness pours out.

This week will be better, I hope. I have taken the day off work today, partly because I feel like death is softly caressing my aching chest, but also, I just need the day. You know? I am a bit emotional again.

I'm not always such a basketcase, just FYI. It's just that usually when I come to write down my thoughts, I AM being basektcasey. Writing pulls the baskets out of the cases. They need to come out sometimes. Too many baskets make for a really uncomfortable case. Anyway.. here comes a basket or two.

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© 2019 paintingangels

Something important

Yesterday morning I found that someone had left some rude comments on my posts. Rude is the wrong word. Mean is the right word. Cruel, that's even better. Normally, it wouldn't have phased me much. Just a moderate amount of phasing. But I was in a sensitive kind of mood. So, yeah. Much phasing of the me.

Probably, I am a cutter, and I look literally like Momo.

Words to me. What in the actual hell? I'll not say the name or drop a tag because I don't want to attract the extra drama or more cruel words, but I wanted to talk about it to let people know not to let this kind of ridiculous BS bother them. But, for some people like me, that is impossible.

So, instead, I want to let people know that you shouldn't treat people like that. Sounds elementary to say, but don't be a bully. It helps no one. It doesn't help you, nor me, nor the watching world. Wasted time in a fleeting world.

Tell me I look like that ugly monster woman who tells children to commit suicide and kill their families, and, yes.. it upsets me. Tell me I smile like Michael Jackson and blow my avatar up to a large size in a discord channel, and yes, I will change my profile picture later as I cry and wonder why I have to be so funny looking.

I look like a monster.. I look like a pedophile pop singer with a bleached face and a creepy smile. That kinda sucks to hear. Yes, other people have real problems to worry about, but during these moments or ridicule, I want to crawl into a corner and disappear.Thanks for making me cry. I guess a good cry is good sometimes. But.. I am tired lately of crying. So if you could back off just a little bit, that'd be great.

Stupid words. But it is what it is. It hurts.

You can preach to me all day that I'm being too sensitive, that there are more important things in the world to be upset about, real things, real problems.. wars, going bankrupt, having cancer.. your dog died. My cat is too fat. All are legit reasons to be truly upset. So, why be so upset over a stupid comment from someone? I'm being ridiculous. Call me ugly and I cry. I sound like a spoiled child. I'm being shallow and weak. Shame on me.

Grow up, Serena. Get some thicker skin.

Remember that preachy sentence? Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. Well, you can say it all day until you're blue in the face, it's bullshit. Words DO hurt. It's not okay to be so reckless with them. It just is not. My request to all of you, don't be like that. Lemme repeat that sentence:

Don't be like that.

I've said cruel things to people before too, when upset, and I am ashamed. If I do it again in the future, I will also be ashamed. But I try to control myself, and, truly, my intention is never to hurt someone. With others, I feel like they do mean to hurt. They enjoy causing pain. It saddens me. It angers me. It confuses me. How can someone be like that?

I mean, people murder each other. They reach out and steal a life. Life slips away. Breaths cease to breathe. I don't understand how someone could take another life. I can't even step on an ant without feeling guilty.

Free baskets to any takers, get your baskets here.

I am out of time to finish writing this. I wish you a beautiful day. All of you. Even the bullies. You are probably just hurting inside yourself. I get that. What I don't get is why you want to hurt me. I will try to let it go. But 10 years from now I will look in the mirror one day and still wonder if I look like a monster and smile like a pedophile. I really hate that. I won't forgive you for that. Not ever. Screw you for that.

Farewell for now.
Love forever,

Serena



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7 comments
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To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.

Brought to you by @tts. If you find it useful please consider upvoting this reply.

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Never see yourself through the eyes of assholes, beautiful. Never. See yourself through the eyes of those who love you. I feel sorry for the aasholes too.. they must be hurting themselves to want to inflict it so on others. Sending love especially to you though and much respect for this measured response. Now dont give them another thought. Channel your love to the right places. Xx

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Baskets do not belong in cases so let them be freeeeeee. Viva la baskets? I dunno. I am not good with dealing with with sensitive people but you seem to be sensitive and sensible, no matter how thick skinned one might portray themselves the things you list will bother them. How they deal with it and what the lasting effects are is what shapes us. Your intro had me thinking of this and I read the whole post with the beat in mind. Very noice,just like your "strange" voice.

!tipuvote 1

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I think that some people are just so miserable in their own lives that they just want to see the rest of the world burn around them, not realizing that it won't make them feel better...
Other people are miserable in their lives, but they still would rather help someone rather than hurt them, because it gives their life meaning to help others.
It's an odd reality that we live in...

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I am a huge "basketcase" at times. But i don't call it a weakness, i consider it a strength. Its the ability to voice how you feel and what you think, even if other people percieve it as being weak, or whining. Like really screw them. who made them the judge of you?

I am an emotional writer, in my art and poetry. writing something emotional can take minutes because it pours out, or days because i get overwhelmed or tired. functioning in a calm way is difficult then, yet some people expect you to just deal with the emotional onslaught. its like they dont have the experience, so cant relate. sensitivity becomes a handicap when hostility gets compounded by daily application.

i dont know anyone that is perfect, who can say they have never been mean or hostile. the intent, tho is what counts. i think at times i come across to people as mean or hypocritical because of my anxiety and history of having been bullied. i grew up having to protect myself from verbal and physical abuse because no one else was around to stop it, or because that was just the standard at that time. so i am super-sensitive to perceived disrespect or hostility.

also i am super protective when i see people doing it to others. when i attack people, they're like, "what did i do?". and half the time its because they are thoughtless about their actions. for example, if i hear people dissing someone who isnt there. i heard someone dissing their girlfriend, and it wasnt facts, it was like, "shes such a bitch, what a fat stupid blah blah..." to me that isnt justified, or factual. thats just abusing someone who cant defend themselves cuz that dude got butt hurt. and ya it happens alot. from both sexes. it still makes me mad.

p.s. you are absolutely beautiful. dont listen to the haters.

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It makes me sad that someone would attack you like that. I love Silver Train AND your beautiful 1999 voice.

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