Getting Readied For My Dialysis Today And I Could Not Stop Going

If only I could skip a dialysis session and then I would die then it is just sweet to do that and what kept me going is that I just fear the lingering death before death. It is hard to die and that is it in my case so no matter how I wanted to not go for my dialysis I kept on going just to save myself from the terrifying lingering death that will surely come if I will not go for my dialysis treatment.

My body truly is a hard nut to crack, it keeps on living and living even though there are a lot of hardships that I had experienced throughout the course on these 18 years of difficult life that I had as a dialysis patient. I am already numb enough about my situation that I could not cry about it anymore. But many times in the past my pillow would get wet from the tears that I had as I cry in the nights because of my situation.

I am already longing for death to come but weirdly enough I still want to have a triumph over my illness since there is a faint chance that I see that I might be able to achieve some of these goals that I set for myself and it will only have a reality if God would bless these goals of mine because nothing will happen if it is not in the will of God for me.

But I fear that I could never get even one of my goals so that would just be a very bad news. It would mean like I would just suffer from the deterioration both of my body and my money as my medicines are not able to cure me but it just slows down its progression which is the painful part of it.

I will be also dragging my parents in the process because I almost certain that one day I will be a painful glob of vegetable to handle especially if my hip joint will begin to give way. It is a ghastly sight to even imagine but it is true for an untreated hyperparathyroid patient like me.

That is why my future is uncertain and I fear it deep down. What I am just trying to do is exhaust all possibilities for me to avoid that and I am also trying not to give my Parathyroid the reason to get hyperactive by trying to control my phosphorus intake and that itself is an expensive thing for me to do because of the cost of my phosphate binder. So I am just dieting too and hoping that these things that I am currently doing would bear fruits and would cause me hopefully not to require that elusive Parathyroidectomy that I am longing for.