Part of my responsibility as a parent is helping my children learn how to communicate when life is challenging.

Mr. Obvious Alert: Life is always challenging

I can't think of a day when I have not had to face some type of challenge. Granted, some days are filled with more challenges and more complicated challenges, but there always seems to be some type of obstacle or road bump that needs to be overcome. That's life. That's reality. And as parents, that is something we must help our children process, communicate, and overcome.

Image by Gino Crescoli from Pixabay

Nightly Bedtime Routine

My wife and I spend a few moments with each child before they go to bed. Most nights are filled with fun, family traditions (like the Krakatoa song I made up many years ago - that should be a post someday) and reflections about our day.

Other nights, like today, take a more serious turn. Some times so serious that we call one of the kiddos into our room for further conversation.

My wife called me into the room because Pumpkin was struggling. Pumpkin wears her heart on her sleeve. She has a big, kind heart that is easy to break. She wants to live in a just world but sees so many hurting people all around her. Her curse is her blessing. She feels what others are feeling. Tonight, her heart was reaching out to her Grandma (my wife's mom).

"I don't know!"

My wife is good at know when there is a problem. I am good at pulling out what the problem is, especially with Pumpkin.

Today, was tough because every time my wife asked Pumpkin to open up, she just said, "I don't know."

I have to be careful at this point in any conversation. My tendency is to try to pull and pull until I get a response. My intention is not bad, but that type of persistence is not always helpful.

I tried to keep a tight lip and opened ears as my wife continued to kindly probe. Still nothing.

A Different Way

And then I had a light bulb moment. The best way to get Pumpkin to open up is to help her answer an easy question.

I implement this concept almost every day at work. I call it "an easy win." I try to complete something early in the day to build "emotional" momentum for the remainder of my day.

We were asking, "What is bothering you?" I changed things up and asked, "Is something bothering you?" I reminded Pumpkin that I was just asking a yes or no question.

She said "yes." The momentum had started.

A New Way To Open Up

Instead of going back to, "What is bothering you?" I said ...

Tell me three words that describe how you feel right now.

Pumpkin gave me two responses. More momentum. I was not going to be legalistic about the third response.

Then I said ...

Tell me three words that describe how you want to feel.

Three responses. Less time in between responses. More momentum.

One of Pumpkin's words really stood out to me: CONFUSED

I said ...

Sometimes questions swirl around in our heads and make us confused. Can you pull one of those questions from all the swirling?

She did. And then she pulled another and another until there were not more "swirling questions." I did not have an answer to all of her questions. One principle that we have instilled in our kiddos is "sometimes we don't know the answers to questions". It is OK to admit that and look for appropriate answers/responses at a later time.

As time passed, Pumpkin relaxed and was able to communicate what was really bothering her. This is one of those life lessons that will require many more practice sessions. This is one of those lessons that could change her life and how she interacts with other people.

Other Word Pictures

I was glad that was able to communicate a visual picture of what confusion might look like (a swirling tornado of questions).

What about other emotions?:

• Sadness - a crying child with each question being a single tear
• Anger - an erupting volcano with each question being a single plume of smoke
• Fearful - a brick wall where every question is taking away one brick

Final thoughts

The kids are down for the night and my wife and I are getting ready to settle in as well.

Tonight was a small victory that I hope leads to more victories. I am glad that Pumpkin was able to share what was on her heart, but even more importantly, I hope that tonight teaches her that...

• mom and dad are on her side
• although communicating how you feel might be challenging, it is worth it in the end.
  
  

I want to hear from you:

1. Can you think of any other word pictures that could be used to describe emotions?
2. What is one piece of advice that you would give to other parents who are helping a child learn to communicate their feelings and thoughts?
   
   

Thanks for stopping by!

@SumatraNate