Fostering Authentic Camaraderie and Healthy Competition

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I have never doubted our decision to home educate our children. I firmly believe my wife and I will create the best environment for our children to learn and develop.

That being said, there are challenges and obstacles to any learning philosophy. In this post, I want to talk about two motivators that I have found challenging to harness in a home education environment.


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Image by David Mark from Pixabay

Authentic Camaraderie


There is a common stereotype that all home-educated students are socially awkward. While some home-educated students may fit into that stereotype, I met many students who were equally awkward while I attended public school.

Fact: My children do not spend hours of their day with hundreds of children their age.

It is important to realize that physical proximity with other children/peers does not automatically equate to social awareness and acceptance. I believe that my children's interaction with people from multiple age groups has allowed them to develop socially appropriate ways to interact with others.

A close family friend often comments on my oldest daughter's maturity level. He is impressed with how she handles herself when interacting with adults, so much so that he has already offered her a job next summer. At 14 years old, my daughter knows how to elevate herself to adult conversations, embrace child-like wonder to play with younger siblings, and carry on conversations with kids her own age.

But when she is doing her daily school work, she is isolated from other students. Based on how I see my children interact with each other, I see where this could be most challenging for the oldest daughter.

Despite this challenge, she continues to want to homeschool. Although very social, my daughter appreciates the opportunity to learn at her own pace (speeding up and slowing down as necessary). She also appreciates the freedom and ability to dictate how her day will progress.

But doing schoolwork without peers can be challenging. My children don't have a "classroom friend" (in the traditional sense) to ask questions to and interact with. There is no time spent at a locker between classes. Lunchtime is family time, but friend time.

As parents, my wife and I try to foster authentic camaraderie in the following ways:

  1. Connecting with families who have shared values.
    This most commonly occurs when my family attends church. But as I mentioned earlier, physical proximity does not guarantee social connectedness. Building camaraderie requires both time and effort. Although more challenging for our introverts, it is a rewarding experience when our children authentically connect with other kids their age.
  2. Connecting with families who have shared educational philosophies.
    Finding a handful of other homeschool families can be such an encouragement - both for adults and children alike. One of my oldest daughter's best friends also homeschool. Although they are not in the same grade, there is an unspoken understanding of what it means to be home-educated, including the challenges and joys!
  3. Connecting with a like-minded organization.
    My wife recently discovered that there was a home school association in our area. Connecting with a larger organization (no matter how structured or formalized it is) can provide much-needed camaraderie for both educators and students. Although we have only known about the co-op for a couple of weeks, my family has already attended a tour of a local farm (including camels), my oldest daughter has joined a local homeschool choir, and we have learned about some standardized testing opportunities that will prepare my oldest for college.


Feeling alone can be devastating to many students and educators. Finding camaraderie and ways to connect can bring new life to your "homeschool academy."

Some of you may be asking, "What happens if I do not have the opportunities and resources you referenced above?"

I realize that in many places around the world, homeschool resources are limited. But don't give up. Just because you have not found what you are looking for YET, does not mean that you will NEVER find what you are looking for.

Healthy Competition


I graduated second in my class in high school. Growing up, I always thought that I was a self-starter. As I have reflected, it is more appropriate to say that I strived when I had other people to compete against.

My children do not have that benefit in the traditional sense, at least not daily. But to be perfectly honest, I know that an openly competitive environment would not benefit all of my children.

But there is something to be said about the ability to measure success, whether that be ...

  • against other students at the same educational level.
  • against a prior personal achievement or score on an assignment.

We live in a world that is hypersensitive to social media validation. Many people, our children included, are susceptible to dopamine fixes that come via likes, shares, and upvotes.

I believe that running to either extreme is dangerous. We should not try to find our complete identity in these outside measurements of success, but we cannot avoid these types of measurements completely if/when they propel us towards success.

Healthy completion for our students can drive them to meet their goals in life. As parents, we have the opportunity to teach them how to use competition in a healthy, not harmful, way.

No Two Student Are The Same


I want to end on a cautious note. I have learned that my thoughts are just that - MINE. I have been shaped by all kinds of experiences that have lead to this exact moment. My life experience before marriage and having kids impacts me as a husband and father today.

Although I hope that my general conclusions are good for most, I understand that they might not be good for all.

I appreciate everyone who takes the time to read my posts, offer words of encouragement, and challenge me on what I say. I appreciate the camaraderie and competition (in the form of constructive criticism).

I want to hear from you:

  1. How do camaraderie and competition fall into your family's educational philosophy?
  2. Name two activities you participate in that foster camaraderie with other students.
  3. What does healthy competition look like to you?

Thanks for stopping by!

@SumatraNate



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14 comments
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I always enjoy reading your thoughts on these things. I agree that everyone is different, so we've really had no particular philosophy as a family. My daughters are so different in character that they each have their own ways. My eldest is more like you in that competition with others used to drive her. This could, at times, be detrimental to her, though. I'm more for competing with myself and seeing if I can improve on my previous. My youngest is probably more like me, that way, although she mostly just wants to enjoy what she's doing.

My girls used to do extracurricular activities like dance and gymnastics, which is mainly where they had the opportunity to develop camaraderie. Their closest friends were some other homeschoolers who used to live nearby, though. They moved interstate, but still keep in touch.

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I think the best thing to do is beyond competing with ourselves is to always look for the best of what we are every day, in terms of our capabilities and potential. It is very good that you know well the way in which your daughters motivate themselves to achieve their goals, this helps you a lot when it comes to encourage them in a situation that is considered a challenge. Congratulations my friend, you have also well established your self-concept.

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This could, at times, be detrimental to her, though.

Same for me. I have not always handled competition in the best way. We each have to embrace our journey of we grow and mature - in regards to competition as well.

Their closest friends were some other homeschoolers who used to live nearby, though. They moved interstate, but still keep in touch.

We have experienced this as well. We have watched three of the dearest families move away over the last 3 to 4 years.

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I believe that my children's interaction with people from multiple age groups has allowed them to develop socially appropriate ways to interact with others

I agree, I too think that they will learn more when they are immersed in people in different age groups.

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My time to educate is almost up. My son turns 17 this year and went through regular school life with peers. He is a social kid and gets along well. He likes going to school in the sense that he values what happens there in a positive way and ignores what bothers him. The times of struggle are long over, which happened in elementary school and the 5th and 6th grade. Just recently I've heard him talking online to another young man and how he reflected about his early years. I skip the details to respect his privacy.

We made sure that he got a life outside school, he became a boy scout and two years ago he got his youth license to become a group leader himself. Due to online time, gaming and films he got interested in learning Japanese, all on his own. He purchased books and took an online course. I think he is as smart as smart one can get, having adapted to the world he lives in. Does he live out his full potential? I don't think so. But then: who does?

I very much enjoyed reading what you revealed about your own family. From what I think, the nuclear family needs support from other people of all ages, you know the saying "to raise a kid you need a whole village". Those times seem to have been gone.

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Very interesting what you say because kids today rarely combine outdoor activities and in contact with nature as being a boy scout like your son with online games and the use of technology, most of those I know who like online games, as well as your son who has even learned Japanese thanks to it do not leave their homes and less than their room glued to their computer. It is true that no one takes advantage of their full potential, even according to studies I have read, the most advanced and intelligent do not reach 50% of the use of their mental power, so I believe that every day is an opportunity to learn something new and grow our potential. Thank you for your experience.

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Thank you for commenting.
True, the kids are very much glued to the computers. They copy the adults and adapt to a world which is in high favor of using technology. They may see no benefit in doing otherwise and the environment they (we) grew up seems to support it. The boy scout membership gave a bit balance and I am glad my son, at least, takes this as a chance to have different experiences. I remember my parents condemning TV and I, as a kid, thought of them being very backwards (having a more differentiated view nowadays). Potentials grow when they need to be activated. As long there is no need, people tend to let them un-explored. In a way, it's understandable ...

I myself feel like changing between two worlds. Modernity and old fashion. To keep myself sane and with both of my feet to the ground, I learned sewing and forms of art like painting and origami. Gardening is also something I like to do but unfortunately I live in a big city. This summer we had the chance though to plant flowers in the front yard of my brothers house and that piece of land became a beautiful home for bees and insects and looks quite wild.

How about you? What are your methods and preferred fields to learn?

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@erh.germany - It sounds like you have done a great job raising your son. One of the greatest joys of raising my kiddos is watching them embrace their passions and seeing them mature/grow into their future selves.

I greatly appreciate all the people who have impacted my kiddos, both great and small. We all are products of my people and countless interactions. Quite fascinating if you think about it!

Thanks for stopping by!

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Certainly being or not being with other children of the same age is not a guarantee of the development of social skills. Much has been said about what the confinement due to the pandemic has caused as negative consequences as far as social relationships and children are concerned, however, as you rightly point out, the interaction with different groups of people makes our children gain a greater knowledge of how to function socially, hence, as you mention, a child can have the maturity to talk to an adult and at the same time the innocence and creativity of his age. On the other hand, I love the advice you give to encourage healthy competition although I have been against the term competition, I am a teacher and maybe I see things differently, because from my point of view the term refers precisely to the fact that there is a winner or a loser and if I know that in the history of mankind we have always been judged in that way, I think we should encourage the construction of favorable situations where the center is the sharing beyond establishing a mark or measure, so I like what you say about establishing the differences because in the end we are all different and each one develops according to its own rhythm and style. Thank you for sharing.

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(Edited)

Yes, competition can be both, positive and negative. I very much see it the same, when there are "losers and winners". Depends on the field of resonance when a game was won by one kid or one team and how the others react to that winning. If the "losers" are sad, mad and disappointed and appear hostile to the winners team, the winners lose, too. Feeling joy about having beaten another one is very different from the feeling of having succeeded in something for the self.

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@emimoron - Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

The word competition brings a lot of different emotions for different people. Some revel in "destroying" others. Some falsely identify themselves as "losers" because of how they have been treated.

I see your concern with the idea of competition. But as you mentioned, competition is a historic reality. My hope is that my kiddos see how to engage in competition in a healthy way (as it appears that will not be able to avoid it completely). That will be challenging, but I hope it is a lesson my kiddos learn as they "develop according to 'their' own rhythm and style."

Again, thanks for stopping by and sharing.

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There are plenty of resources to find friendship and comradery these days. I can't imagine it being too hard if all resources are explored. Of course it's a lot more fun to meet in person than online... but online is better than nothing. It would be cool to have an app for homeschooled and unschooled kids to make study friends. Kind of like a Tandem does for language learners. It wouldn't have to be limited to homeschooled kids. When I was young I couldn't find friends in my school because I was into different stuff from my classmates (namely punk rock and RPG games). I found my friends in towns nearby, and a lot of them I met in person (at local shows or club sports teams) and got closer with online (AOL 3.0 baby!).

I hope there comes a day when your home-edders group has so many families on it that meetups in local areas becomes easy. I think I need another 2-3 years before we plant our little home-edders.

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I am glad you found your place with people you felt close to. That is so important.

I like your idea about an app that connects homeschooling families. It would be really awesome if we had local meetups someday.

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