I would be a year older this month, or rather in a few weeks. I have had reasons to think about a lot of things. Last year, when I added one to my age, I had made a list of the things I wanted to achieve and where I envisaged to be before my next new age. I took a pen and made a draft of the things I wanted in my life, the things I didn't want anymore, the friends I wanted, and how to sieve the weeds from the flowers. Honestly, I had it all figured out.
I was excited because I had thought that by this year, my life would be set, just the way I had imagined it. I mean, I would have landed that dream career, pursued that dream educational program, acquired those skills, and met those dream friends. Little did I know that I was working aimlessly towards the loop side feedback from hell.
Then, the covid-19 crept in. It did me dirty. I wanted patiently for its end. I couldn't get my plans into action. Now I was stuck - stuck with my dreams and aspirations. Time was ticking, my age wasn't put to a halt. It was ticking as well, I was getting older, my new age was drawing near as if it would come crashing upon me unawares. Yet, I had not achieved a thing on my list.
I lost every happiness in me. It sulked watching others living an amazing fucking happy life. I blamed myself for perhaps not making any move even with the whole global restrictions. I felt anxious for not shooting at a single target on my list. I was a failure, I murmured to myself.
Every day, I see people doing great things, I was devastated, I thought we were worlds apart. I practically paid attention to everything around me. Watching others grow, not being able to do a thing for myself or rather, having no idea about where to start, I immediately condemned myself for failure. Yeah! I had failed in not achieving a thing, I had failed for letting the global disaster burn the bridge between me and my dreams.
What I didn't know was that I cared about everything too much. I was giving a fuck to things that rarely mattered. I discovered that the more I thought about it, the more I hated myself, condemned myself, and felt further depressed. This continued until the gradual ease of lockdown. By this time, I had lost interest in everything, the dreams and all I ever wanted.
One day, I said to myself, live your life for each day. Forget the things that didn't matter. Somehow, they would add up and fix themselves. I picked myself up and began to live for each day. I discarded the list and thought about how to make each day productive.
Things started taking a new turn gradually. I started winning, consciously without too much effort, I acquired the skills. Many beautiful things started happening to me, unconsciously, some friends couldn't keep up with our relationship, others stood up for me and with me, they held my hands and encouraged me. Gradually everything I ever wished for and wanted to start falling into place.
Because I didn't want to be a slave to my thoughts. I had quit listening to the loop side feedback from hell. I became conscious of my thoughts and my interest, not what everyone wanted for me. Now, it was all about me.
In a few weeks I will be adding another plus one to my age. I have not gotten to my destination but when I look back, all I see is a positive signal. I am not making a list this time, but will make a conscious effort to live for each day I see the light.
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