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An important first step in developing healthy boundaries is to get acquainted with and take ownership, of your true self.
This is essential before healthy values can be lived.
As adults, we are responsible for the decisions we make in life.
We have freedom to respond, to make choices, and to limit the way others' behavior affects us.
As a "free agent", we can take responsibility for our freedom by setting boundaries, or borders, between ourselves and those around us.
Some people refuse to set boundaries because they see them as selfish. Others actually use them to be selfish.
Both are wrong.
Boundaries are about self-control.

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have written several books on the subject of boundaries.
According to these authors, there are ten law of boundaries:

The Law Of Sowing and Reaping

• Choices have consequences.

The Law of Responsibility

• We are responsible TO each other, not FOR each other.

The Law of Power

• We have power over some things, we don't have power over others including changing people.
• It is human nature to try to change and fix others so that we can be more comfortable.
• We can't change or fix our borderline, but we do have the power to change our own life.

The Law of Respect

• If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.
• If your emotional ill partner is a rager, you should not dictate to him/her all the reasons that they can't be angry.
• A person should have the freedom to to protest the things they don't like.
• But at the same time, we can honor our own boundary by telling our emotional ill partner/person, "Your raging at me is not acceptable to me. If you continue to rage, I will have to remove myself from you."

The Law of Motivation

• We must be free to say NO before we can wholeheartedly say YES.
• One can not actually love another if he feels he doesn't have a choice not to.
• Pay attention to your motives.

The Law of Evaluation

• We need to evaluate the pain our values cause others.
• Do our values cause pain that leads to injury?
• Or do they cause pain that leads to growth?

The Law of Proactivity

• We take action to solve problems based on our values, wants, and needs.
• Proactive people keep their freedom and they disagree and confront issues but are able to do so without getting caught up in an emotional storm.
• This law has to do with taking action based on deliberate, thought out values versus emotional reactions.

The Law of Envy

• We will never get what we want if we focus our values onto what others have.
• Envy is miserable because we're dissatisfied with our state yet powerless to change it.
• The envious person doesn't set limits because he is not looking at himself long enough to figure out what choices he has.

The Law of Activity

• We need to take the initiative to solve our problems rather than being passive.
• In an unhealthy relationship, sometimes one partner is active and the other is passive. When this occurs, the active partner will dominate the passive one. The passive partner may be too intimidated by the active one to say no.
• This law has to do with taking initiative rather than being passive and waiting for someone else to make the first move.

The Law of Exposure

• We need to communicate our values and their boundaries to our partner.
• Values and boundary that are not communicated is a boundary that is not working.
• We need to make clear what we do or do not want, and what we will or will not tolerate.
• We need to also make clear that every boundary violation has a consequence.
• A boundary without a consequence is nagging.

Selfish or healthy self interest?

There is a concept called healthy self-interest.
Society and business rely on it.
It is not a simple concept to grasp.
The truth is there is no fine line but a range.
And it is fair to push for your interest to be taken into account.
The system depends on each party pushing with some effort in its own interest.
The system does not work when one party does the work for both parties.
The "fair" point is found in a discussion, negotiation or fight.

In this sense, healthy self-interest as taking care of own interests is not a problem.
The issue comes with a tendency to push too far and destroy the other side due to the lack of respect for boundaries.

Healthy boundary defense
Healthy boundary defense is, "When you rage at me, I feel threatened. I am going to leave (the room, the house, etc) until such time we can communicate calmly."
Your borderline is free to rage to his/her heart's content, but you don't have to sit there and suck up all their anger and rage.

If you are saying to yourself, "Why should I have to leave the room? They should have to stop raging!", you are looking at boundary defense backwards.
You are taking the same approach as one would take who says,
"Oh no, my house is on fire and is engulfed in flames.
I'm standing at the front door but I'm not going to leave the house because my new sprinkling system will turn on an put out the flames."
Are you waiting for someone or something else to make a move so you don't have to?
Are you willing to take a chance of getting burned?

Boundary defense is all around us.
We come across them every day.
Cars have theft-deterrent devices to prevent someone from stealing your car.
Homes have deadbolts or locks to prevent someone else from invading your home and removing your possessions.
Your office desk has a lock to prevent theft.
Your locker at the club has a lock to keep your valuables safe.
If your personal property is protected against theft, but you find yourself feeling like your emotional well-being is being stolen from you, then it's time to take steps to learn how to set boundaries so that your emotional wellbeing can be kept under lock and key.

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What is Healthy Boundaries; Why Must Practice Healthy Boundaries

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