The Concept of Male Rage

The concept of male rage, or, "white male rage," to me, is ridiculous. I say this because it's looked upon as something that can be used as an insult. Yes, you can tell me that no-one is being insulting or using it to belittle anyone else, but you don't need to step out far of your box to see the type of slander being thrown back and forth and with male rage as the context.

So let's be real for a couple of moments. Why aren't we trying to understand why there is such a thing as male rage in the first place? Why do we just use it as an insult and look no further after that? Do we know what we're saying? Do we even know what it means?

Let me give you a little background about me. I was once a victim to male rage.

As a young boy my father and mother split up. Let's just say it was for the best as he wasn't the greatest person to be raising a child and giving that child the best morals to move forward. My mum, desperate for me to not turn out like my Dad in any way raised me to be the perfect little white knight on his trusty steed. I was taught to open doors for women, be nice to them, respect them, and do whatever is necessary for them.

My dad was also an angry man. And, mum being mum, every time I would get angry she would tell me that it's not good to be angry, and that I'm turning out like my dad. I was always told off for being angry, even though my anger was justified most of the time.

Justified anger? What's that?

Well, when something happens and you're quite right to be angry about it. Anger is mostly justified I've noticed, but it's how we deal with it at the end point that makes a difference. Like some people will let it out right there and then by either shouting, or going off and hitting a punchbag. Other people will push it way down, way way down into their subconscious. And that's when it turns into unhealthy rage.

Now I had been told all of my life that anger wasn't good, that anger was something that my father was prone to, that anger was the path to being an angry man (like my dad).

The result? Anytime I would feel angry I would just go away into my little cave and suppress it all down. I'd think I was being idiotic for daring to get angry, or feeling like I was unnatural because at moments when I did feel angry the voice in my head was telling me that I was stupid for feeling like this. Good people didn't get angry, or that's what I thought, that's what I was taught and told from a very young age.

Now you may be thinking that I'm just being an angry male trying to justify his past anger, so let me give you a few examples:

Like the time I was beaten to a pulp, chipped a tooth, had my face blown up like a football and the resulting anger that ensued I was told that perhaps it was a good thing that this happened to me, that some sense was beaten into me.

Or the countless times my anger was not taken seriously, maybe I had come home from school and been upset with something that happened, and rather than comfort and acceptance I was met with rationalization about how the other kid might have felt. This is all well and good but it didn't help me feel like my anger was justified. I felt silly, rather than safe.

Just a side note: There is no blame to be made here, things were done and in the past, parents make mistakes, and I'm by no means an object of perfection myself. All I'm trying to do is shine a light on the factors that led me to having a lot of inward rage.

The end result of all this was that I was an incredibly nice human being. You bet that I would give you my last penny for something that you needed. Anytime conflict was thrown my way I would just swallow up all the frustration and poop out niceness. But inside of me, there was unchecked rage that burned like the fires of mount doom. I could have exploded at any moment and the resulting explosion would be catastrophic for anyone nearby. It's not good to hoard all of that anger.

If anyone is interested the psychology behind anger it goes something like this. Anger doesn't just disappear once you suppress this. Think of every-time you decide to not get angry and suppress it then it stores it away for another day. Each time you store it and don't let it out in other ways then you end up filling yourself up with a lot of anger. Then, as you become a mountain of rage veiled by the facade of niceness you begin to make life decisions based on the rage inside.

What do I mean? An example perhaps?

Like the time that I stopped trusting women at all. The never-ending dismissal of my worth was all too much. A barrage of "no's" whenever I decided to ask them out for more had me distrusting their motives whenever I met them. Rather than look into myself and see that it was me that needed to work on myself, the anger turned me against women and told me that they were not to be trusted. When in all likelihood, I was just not a suitable match for them. I was looking for the wrong woman, and also I needed to do a lot of work on myself before I even considered dating.

What I'm saying basically is that rage should be let out. Anger, when justified should be allowed. For instance whenever my son gets angry, we let him be angry. As long as he isn't hurting himself, or anyone else, or breaking stuff, then he's allowed to be angry. Anger is as natural as happiness. It happens, and we should be allowed to vent.

I found ways to vent my own anger. For instance right now when I get angry I just let it all out. Sometimes that will mean that I come into conflict with my wife and son, but they are big enough and brave enough to tell me when they think I'm wrong. That doesn't mean that I shout at them all day, no, it actually means that because I'm able to vent in a healthy way then I'm angry far less. And, people will always comment on how happy and carefree Alex is, but that's because he doesn't need to push down and keep secret his anger.

Of course there are other ways and means of dispersing anger. The reason I was so full of anger as a young man is because I didn't have any other avenues to release it. I was just sitting in my house getting angrier and angrier.

Contact sports is a great way of releasing pent up frustration, anything that involves excessive exercise like running, cycling, or going to the gym. It's all good for the soul and releases those happy hormones. Finding a hobby also. Writing and creating keeps my mind occupied so I'm no longer fixated on this one event and turning it into a monstrous situation like one can do when they are left to their own thoughts.

Nevertheless I don't think we give the anger of men the credit that it deserves. You wouldn't use bipolar as an insult, or a headline, so why use something as internally damaging as male rage as an insult to palm someone off with?

It's like the term Narcissism. These days it seems everyone is a narcissist, but in reality we are just quick to point fingers and label bad behaviour, when in reality we're not psychologists.

Let's attempt to be more inclusive and understanding with everyone!

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