Chronicles of 7 souls:
A despair induced to death
One hopes that life will be as fair as possible with every human being that comes to life, but long before I came into the world I was rejected for my own mother who in her inexperience as a woman did not know how to close her mouth or hide her bad feelings towards me, who was barely growing inside her belly absorbing everything that was giving me signs of how my life was going to be, a challenge, maybe if I had had the options that she had like taking my life before I was born I would have taken it without thinking twice, it was going to be a common good for everyone.
It didn't happen that way, I was born and I had to see the world with my own ears, it wasn't just feeling without knowing that I was feeling and listening to loud noises without knowing that they were rejections, my body, my soul, my conscience and my eyes had to see and feel what part of the world was asking for me. My mother soon began to love me, there was no longer reason to reject me, she was no longer going through the bad symptoms of being pregnant, do not ask her ever but I guess in that dark part of her life once I left her I became the gleam in her eyes, her life expectancy and redemption.
If for her it was the beginning of happiness for me it was the beginning of feeling the darkness and tasting what perhaps she tasted, the bad part of life. I grew up in very good health; my preschool teachers were thrilled with the connection I had with them and the speed with which I learned to do my homework. While on one side of my real life my grandparents rejected me because of my feminine cues, they would say words to me alluding to something feminine just by looking at me in the eyes, followed to my uncles' laughter; one of them would abuse me without me knowing it, it might be some disgusting culture of manhood, but the reality was that it was an unintentional abuse, in their eyes, everything was fine.
At night I could hear my parents arguing over my grandparents' bad comments, at that moment my mother became a hero to me, I was starting to leave behind all those negative feelings of hers, and think about how brave she was to have me even when I was hurting her and raising me even when the world was starting to turn against her too, because I being her son, my pain was hers too. My father wasn't the bad guy in the movie, he was just someone shy about life, facing reality wasn't his strong suit either, maybe he hides secrets from his ailments that maybe even my own mother doesn't know about. I don't blame him or feel bad for him, because he was also starting to live the bitterness of life.
The years passed and with it the undue experiences, caresses and carnal desires between people that should not have existed, became reality, innocence led me to do and accept things that should never have happened, some think that it is a normal part of life to experience and discover for yourself, what you like and what you don't, but at the age of 10 the best thing I could have done was to play healthy with collectible dolls and not with my body. In those practices carried out from a sex book and our inexperience, there was no guilt, not even innocence was at fault, it was more the dirty society making itself present in my life as well as surely in the lives of some other unfortunates.
But it was all a secret I kept forever. Classes began at school, and with it the mockery and rejection of more innocent lives which I can call ignorant, it is said that education begins at home but often the real world tarnished. I was the toy of mockery in the classes, but still my face did not draw any sadness, in my thoughts I could only imagine coming home to practice those forbidden things again and again without knowing that I was creating a demon inside me, something that was hiding from reality to then devour me in the weakest moment of my life.
Weeks later my parents announced their separation forever, when days before I had been raped, I continued to keep silent and make myself a shell, without any reason, without hope, I just wanted to see more of the world, having the faith that I could discover the light beyond the darkness.
But it was not like that, in the streets of life I found much more rejection, death threats and prejudices from wealthy people, false love and manipulation to get everything I could give for them, nothing was different in high school, the bad part of life had become present in most of my existence, making my inner demon feed on it all, paying with my own life before a sharp final pain the dark presence of my interior devouring all hope in that death that I keep silent forever.
"You could only hear the sound of the clock as my eyes gave way to the darkness overshadowing the only brightness I could experience."