This is my entry into this month’s Top 3 contest, and I have to warn you there will be curse words, graphic descriptions of bodily functions and insane rants in relation to my feelings toward the three fine examples of cinematography I have chosen to highlight today.

This Months Topic is Worst Movies Ever!

We all know that feeling when you reach the end of a movie and feel that bitter little ball of resentment in your belly. When the remnant of your five year old self is screaming at you to throw yourself on the floor and piss your pants in a dirty protest. That feeling of disgust in the knowledge that you've just wasted two and a bit hours of your life on what can only be described as... a piece of shit.

Yes, I'm talking about those movies that you sat through with your partner or spouse thinking...

'What the fuck... I want a divorce!'

The movies that made you pretend incontinence just to get out of another five minutes of that utter wank. The type of film that filled you with so much rage that you wanted to go full on primal and start flinging your faeces around the cinema at all the grinning morons who were enjoying this... piece of shit.

No? Is it only me who feels this incredible hulk level rage when I sit through a movie that stinks like a proctologist's finger on a summers day.

Oh well, perhaps I'm a special breed of mad 😂

In brief, here are the three films that get me madder than a goat that's spotted a child at a petting zoo. Don't worry, there will be epic rants about each and every one of these three turd-esque films after this summary.

Legend

This diabolically rubbish movie nearly ruined fantasy for me forever. In Legend a young Tom Cruise plays a moron of a prince who's whole reason for being seems to be to fulfill the over used trope of the prince saving the beautiful maiden.

After perving off her bathing in a pool, probably the only bit of the movie I enjoyed - I was eleven years old at the time - a befuddled Tom cruise meets a suspicious faun who directs him to a dryad like fairy who looks like an 80's teenager you would find throwing her knickers at the stage at a David Bowie concert.

There are goblins, some type of odd giant demon lord who subverts our beautiful maiden with dark magic, unicorns and a dryad like fairy. But all of these tried and tested fantasy tropes are mashed together unceremoniously into a turd sandwich. In addition to this lack of any type of decent plot is Tom cruise who's acting is so wooden that he gives the dryad a run for her money.

The prince climbs a mountain, saves the princess and then they get it onnnnnnn in the cheesiest scene I've ever seen in a movie to date.

Seriously, check out the levels of pure shitery this movie reaches in the final scene below. It is almost sublime in the levels of cheese it reaches. Enjoy... and try not to fling any faeces.

Harry and the Hendersons

I can't actually remember much of this film, mainly because even at the age ten I had a reasonable grasp on plot and it took a lot to hold my attention. It was something about bigfoot coming to live with a middle american family called the Hendersons who then had to hide him from the neighbors... and hilarity commences. Or in this case... it doesn't. I seem to remember that John Lithgow was pretty entertaining at points but other than that it was a slapstick sentimental sack of hairy bigfoot balls.

There were so many iconic films throughout the 80's and early 90's such as ET, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, The Goonies, the Starwars movies... heck I even liked Flight of the Navigator, that when you ended up dragged to some shite like Harry and the Hendersons by your Gran, you started to wonder if the old dear has finally gone senile 😉

Ok... I retract that statement. I won't hate on my gran, but I do hate this soppy family fart of a movie!

Twilight

What can I say. It's something about a teenage girl falling in love with a vampire... or is it a werewolf... I'm not sure how many times I fell asleep during this film. I'm slightly entirely embarrassed that I've even been to the cinema to watch this movie.

When I was 29 years old I was going out with a lovely woman called Sarah. She was a responsible young woman with a respectable job working in the freedom of information department for the police force. But she had a terrible secret! No she wasn't secretly into dark and deviant sexual practices, I could have handled that😂... It was much more serious, at the age of 30 she was completely obsessed with the Twilight books and films.

I sat through two of the twilight movies with her and I remember thinking at the time... this is why they say love hurts. I tried explaining to her once why everything she said about twilight was true... for a fifteen year old girl. That didn't go down well. This clip from Parks and recreation says everything you need to know about twilight fans.

This was the beginning of the end! It all came to a head when I said jokingly one day that if I had to sit through twilight for the 3rd time she had to come to watch a comedian I liked with me that Friday night. She agreed and it was a date.

So, I bought two tickets to see Frankie Boyle at the echo arena. Which cost me £50 of my hard earned money I might add. After watching this sketch from the admittedly acquired taste that is Frankie Boyle, Sarah proclaimed that she couldn't believe that I could enjoy such horrible humor, and four days later used the tried and tested method of breaking up - 'we are just too different.'

Absolutely true to be fair... I'm an adult and she is a twilight loving fifteen year old girl trapped in the body of a thirty year old woman. I also learned an important lesson that day. If you end up in a relationship with a twilight fan, keep your mouth shut about how much you hate Twilight! They're among the craziest of super fans.

Phewwweeeeee... and after that rant fest I'm going to sign off, go and watch twilight on my own and cry into my mug of coffee

Thanks for enduring this post about the three movies that make me want to fling my faeces at the cinema screen 😂

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