Writing, creativity, disillusionment, and resolve

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(Edited)

Writing, creativity,
disillusionment, and resolve

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by @d-pend
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Introduction


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Let's face it. For most, poetry is difficult to read. Those that appreciate it, even poets themselves, often prefer reading prose for pleasure at long stretches. Poetry, like bitter herbs, may be best taken in small quantities. The exception, perhaps, is verse poetry of the epic variety, in that it tells a story one can get wrapped up into in a pleasant way. That includes poetic screenplays, which are quite entertaining to read and tend to put one's mind in an oddly eloquent space.

It is my intention to move into consciously practicing and improving my prose-writing. I had contemplated keeping a separate blog for this, but think now it may be best to have both poetry and prose on one account. So, this is my good faith effort in beginning that momentum. Now, all I need is a subject to address. Thankfully in life, there are no shortages where that is concerned.

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A brief history of the dpendiverse


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From the beginning, I created @d-pend to be a blog for my poetry experiment of writing one piece daily back in June 2017. I desired to determine, first and foremost, whether I couldn't make something of a decent poet of myself by devoting myself to that craft. I continued that approach for quite a long time, extending into blogging music once @dsound came into being (which by all rights ought to be my main art form, due to being the subject of my collegiate study.)

 I also created a massive @steemitpoetry "100 Days of Poetry" writing challenge in early 2018, in which I found myself way over my head. Trying to do most of it myself, with the aid of a few curators, I became very burned out and was unable to see the project through to completion. I had been hoping at the time to get the support of some whales, and was disappointed to find what I perceived to be a general lack of interest on their part in promoting excellence in poetry on STEEM, being focused primarily on supporting cryptocurrency-related content.

2019 was a relatively quiet year for me on STEEM, and in poetry-writing, as well. I was engaged in trying to grow my YouTube channel with hopes of monetizing, which I eventually abandoned after becoming disillusioned about the nature of that platform. I also became disheartened about the value of my creations. Was there any point to even putting my heart and soul into such things? Were they mere indulgences, dabbling in many forms without mastering anything? Narcissistic, unrealistic stubbornness to not "get a real job" and do something "more productive?"

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What is the point of writing at all?


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Recently, I read a blog by @rok-sivante entitled Why Write: Motivations & Addictions that, along with recent discussions with some dear friends, was a catalyst to continuing to think about why it is I love writing as an art form. I left a lengthy reply there, which I will reproduce now for convenience, with minor edits:

It often feels like writing is a form a therapy—a peculiar one, at that: unexpected, since we are not often taught to view it that way. In the process of attempting to make the inexplicable inner sensations tangible (and inevitably failing) perhaps we learn something about the operation of our psyche. Even, for fleeting moments, feel that we have transcended it and become something new in that feeling of discovery.

And then—there are those long, bleak periods where we think "What is there to say that hasn't been said, and even if there was, what does it matter? Will anyone read this? And even if they do, what is the point?" But, the memories of clairvoyant buoyancy that came, however infrequently, where between the words and the inner impetus there was a surging alignment—usually call us eventually to rouse ourselves out of the defeatist thinking, or "imposter syndrome," or whatever it is that has us briefly paralyzed. We also then remember the wonderful interchanges with others we have had around creativity, the ways in which we connected to them and became bigger then ourselves in our art.

Ultimately, I feel like writing/music/creativity in whatever form has value because it helps us enjoy and/or somewhat detach (in a healthy way) from the baser aspects of our physical existence—which let's be honest, is often painfully mundane, repetitive, uncomfortably driven by continuous craving for satiation and fleeing from anything perceived as a threat.

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Writing as digestive transmutation


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With regards to the indulgent aspect of writing, it has often been compared to that activity which is done behind closed doors and not to be spoken of in polite company. I want to advance another metaphor: that writing is more like digestive transmutation. We take words, feelings, impressions, experiences in, and process them into progressively unrecognizable forms that are more agreeable to our mental/emotional system.

We are constantly taking in words through conversation, audible media, books, movies, etc. Our writing is a product of this external stimuli modified by an inner state. In writing, we make conscious decisions in filtering out the extraneous to cut down to what it is we really hope to say. We absorb the nutrients of philosophies that agree with our system and reject other sentiments as toxins. We store techniques we like in our mental organs against the hard times of creative famine and let the rest pass through.

To leave that imperfect metaphor, the beauty in this rumination is found in the fact that what we express often touches others in profound ways. What we write in order to further heal ourselves may become nourishment to a reader in a manner beyond our wildest expectations. Even, and especially, admissions of our own failures, suffering, and poor decisions can become tonics against the vicissitudes of life for more than just ourselves.

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Creativity as a gift


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Individuals are all born with proclivities; then variously acquire through nurture an amazing array of different skillsets. All of them are necessary; all of them are valuable. Whatever it is one loves to do above all, one will do better than anything else because it is that adoration that empowers us to continue despite extrinsic rewards. I am extremely grateful for those who have encouraged me in my creative endeavors over the years. They help me keep a clear vision and a hefty dose of determination in the face of a societal structure that too often feels callous, uncaring, and hypermaterialistic: focused on win-lose scenarios. Please share in a comment below—what is it you love to do above all?

I believe that life, if recontextualized properly, can become a win-win paradigm. Freely giving and receiving resources feels most wholesome to me and it is when I am open to that happening that I see the most learning and transformation occurring. I am hopeful that we are currently transitioning into that understanding as a species, which, however, may take a very long time to coalesce into full abundance on Planet Earth.

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Conclusion


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I fear that this blog may be a bit schizophrenic in nature. I have this feeling that the longer I write, the more it devolves into attempting to tackle everything in one go! Best, perhaps, to just leave it off and get into a habit of writing these entries regularly.

Now, it's your turn—what do you think about poetry vs. prose writing? Being devoted to a craft in the face of external failures? What are your favorite creative outlets? And did you enjoy reading something different on this blog than my "typical" sparse poetry blogs?

See ya around! Thanks for reading.
written by Daniel Pendergraft / @d-pend
February 26, 2020 on STEEM
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(Images are created by
modifying free domain images)

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To be able to create a poetry that is a rare talent, when I was younger I loved to read them, while in school we were grown up with learning Russian poetry that I really loved and knew much by heard especially Eugene Onegin is a novel in verse written by Alexander Pushkin a classic of Russian literature. In general writing is something that I my opinion help people to collect their thoughts and can be used as therapy too. The only problem with many of us, we just have no time for that or maybe this is just excuse to reasoning why we do not write or read and prefer just to spend our time with something that doe not require much of our brain activities :)

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I also became disheartened about the value of my creations. Was there any point to even putting my heart and soul into such things? Were they mere indulgences, dabbling in many forms without mastering anything? Narcissistic, unrealistic stubbornness to not "get a real job" and do something "more productive?"

I can definitely relate to that. (Perhaps minus the last part... I'm pretty confident in following my own path rather than the conventional one of needing to slave away 9-to-5. Fuck that shit. lol.)

Re: mastery... then again, who's to say specialization is an absolute requirement, besides conventional thought in economic theory? Think renaissance man. Such "dabbling" used to, at one point, be an ideal. Sure, sometimes mastery in one thing can be great; but does it really make that much difference in the end, if one's path entails a different form of multi-dimensionality, exploring various avenues and outlets? I suppose the answer is always an individual one - no absolute black-or-white truth fitting all people at all times.

...

writing is more like digestive transmutation. We take words, feelings, impressions, experiences in, and process them into progressively unrecognizable forms that are more agreeable to our mental/emotional system.

We are constantly taking in words through conversation, audible media, books, movies, etc. Our writing is a product of this external stimuli modified by an inner state. In writing, we make conscious decisions in filtering out the extraneous to cut down to what it is we really hope to say. We absorb the nutrients of philosophies that agree with our system and reject other sentiments as toxins. We store techniques we like in our mental organs against the hard times of creative famine and let the rest pass through.

To leave that imperfect metaphor, the beauty in this rumination is found in the fact that what we express often touches others in profound ways. What we write in order to further heal ourselves may become nourishment to a reader in a manner beyond our wildest expectations. Even, and especially, admissions of our own failures, suffering, and poor decisions can become tonics against the vicissitudes of life for more than just ourselves.

Love all this.

Another way of looking at these same concepts: we're merely nodes in a network, each processing and passing on fragments of the larger God Code.

You into Human Design yet?

T'is interesting looking at it through that framework - seeing where we receive / take in through the openness in our designs, and transmit through our definition.

Please share in a comment below—what is it you love to do above all?

I honestly don't feel that's a question I can answer. I've spent many years struggling to try fit into that mold of thinking, choosing one "passion" or direction. But the longer I tried, the more I felt I was just trying to force myself into a box of someone else's definition of what I should be or how I should live. (Also as a Manifesting Generator, we're not designed to do just one thing, but channel our energies into multiple outlets, not necessarily for mastery. Would be interesting if you were also a MG - speaking to that point above.)

I was always leaning towards music being the answer to that question - but have found trying to put that pressure of it being the one thing just fucked up the flow and completely overrode my natural creative cycles with bullshit. Sometimes the creative waves are there for music, and it's great surfing when so - but alot of times, not, and I end up fucking hating it if trying to force...

Meanwhile, sometimes the joy is to be found in writing. Other times, it's hell.

There's been phases where snowboarding or mountain biking is the epitome of bliss. And other times, where the body ain't into it at all.

And then, there are simply times where kicking back and watching YouTube or Netflix is the one thing that feels better than anything else I could be doing.

Thus... multi-dimensionality. I really can't say I prefer any of those activities over the other - "sex" being one option that my mind might be tempted to offer, but even then, there are times I'd rather be doing something else. Each has its own time and place. So if I had to narrow down to one, I'd probably try offer some sneaky answer along the lines to "adapting into whatever activity feels best in the moment." Haha!

I fear that this blog may be a bit schizophrenic in nature.

Not at all. Only to 3-dimensional muggles. lol.

what do you think about poetry vs. prose writing? Being devoted to a craft in the face of external failures? What are your favorite creative outlets? And did you enjoy reading something different on this blog than my "typical" sparse poetry blogs?

Not too much into poetry, in all honesty. Even the stuff I'll occasionally write and slap a "poetry" tag on here, I don't really associate as poetry.

Devoted to a craft in face of external failures... music. It's nuts to think I've actually been "producing" for about two decades, on-and-off, though still feel like a beginner. The amount of frustration I've gone through in the process, OMG. But, there's never any question of continuing - only a matter of slowing down, recalibrating, and approaching differently.

I think the best "thesis" of my experience & insight in that realm might've gotten summed up in this article, "Wisdom Of The Surf."

(I've also been reading a book called "On Writer's Block" that is fucking amazing. I'd highly recommend it if it resonates, as speaks brilliantly to such challenges.)

Haven't read too much of your poetry, but I enjoyed this post. 🙏

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Re: mastery... then again, who's to say specialization is an absolute requirement, besides conventional thought in economic theory? Think renaissance man. Such "dabbling" used to, at one point, be an ideal. Sure, sometimes mastery in one thing can be great; but does it really make that much difference in the end, if one's path entails a different form of multi-dimensionality, exploring various avenues and outlets? I suppose the answer is always an individual one - no absolute black-or-white truth fitting all people at all times.

Hyperspecialization is promoted partially because it works efficiently in an intercooperative societal structure—and partially as a way to keep people unidimensional, predictable, and somewhat helpless and dependent on that same structure. I feel that humans are by nature generalists, interested in many things, possessing a natural curiosity about just about everything. Just look at the awe with which children perceive the world, until it is squeezed out of them, sponge-like.

Another way of looking at these same concepts: we're merely nodes in a network, each processing and passing on fragments of the larger God Code.

You into Human Design yet?

Only to get my type, haven't delved in much beyond that. I'm a Projector, split definition, splenic authority. Strategy: "Wait for the Invitation."

I honestly don't feel that's a question I can answer. I've spent many years struggling to try fit into that mold of thinking, choosing one "passion" or direction. But the longer I tried, the more I felt I was just trying to force myself into a box of someone else's definition of what I should be or how I should live. (Also as a Manifesting Generator, we're not designed to do just one thing, but channel our energies into multiple outlets, not necessarily for mastery. Would be interesting if you were also a MG - speaking to that point above.)

As a Projector, I generally work best in collaboration with MGs, from my understanding. I'll need to get a little more educated though before I speak on those dynamics too deeply :-) Feel free to enlighten me with what you know!

I also do not feel I will ever have "one thing" — certainly, a main focus, however one that evolves over time. I just simply have too many things I want to see and experience on Earth to take the old-school career track up the ol' corporate ladder slowly over decades. A few goals this year—release solo piano album, publish some poetry in book form, re-establish a good foreign language study regimen.

I was always leaning towards music being the answer to that question - but have found trying to put that pressure of it being the one thing just fucked up the flow and completely overrode my natural creative cycles with bullshit. Sometimes the creative waves are there for music, and it's great surfing when so - but alot of times, not, and I end up fucking hating it if trying to force...

Not sure if it will resonate with you, but as a musician may be worth checking out The Mysticism of Sound and Music: The Sufi Teaching of Hazrat Inayat Khan. I found the way he speaks about everything being music (frequency) a really timely reminder that life itself is cadence, flow, melody, harmony, dissonance, etc. Which makes me feel better for all those times I go months neglecting my musical craft, hah!

Thus... multi-dimensionality. I really can't say I prefer any of those activities over the other - "sex" being one option that my mind might be tempted to offer, but even then, there are times I'd rather be doing something else. Each has its own time and place. So if I had to narrow down to one, I'd probably try offer some sneaky answer along the lines to "adapting into whatever activity feels best in the moment." Haha!

Perfect! Lol

Devoted to a craft in face of external failures... music. It's nuts to think I've actually been "producing" for about two decades, on-and-off, though still feel like a beginner. The amount of frustration I've gone through in the process, OMG. But, there's never any question of continuing - only a matter of slowing down, recalibrating, and approaching differently.

That's awesome. Yeah I have also found (to my surprise) I'm not even able to quit being a musician. It's so deeply engrained, if I stop my piano practice, I start beatboxing. If I were to quit that, I'd start singing, etc. I even see poetry as essentially music in the sense that it is just syllable sounds in combination.

Ya know, those times of slowing down and recalibrating can be depressing if approached with the expectation of constantly cranking out content, but incredibly wholesome if that's dropped. I'm learning to really enjoy taking a step back when it's necessary to avoid burnout and neuroticism.

I think the best "thesis" of my experience & insight in that realm might've gotten summed up in this article, "Wisdom Of The Surf." (I've also been reading a book called "On Writer's Block" that is fucking amazing. I'd highly recommend it if it resonates, as speaks brilliantly to such challenges.)

Thanks for sending those along, I'll check 'em out! Grateful for this comment man!

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Re: Projector stuff... I’d recommend checking out Laveena Archer’s stuff. She’s absolutely one of the best Human Design teachers, a Projector, and does a lot of Project-specific stuff. This playlist on YouTube might be a good place to start.

Was thinking... there’s not a Poetry community here yet.

I don’t post poetry frequently enough or am that interested to start one up and administer myself, though might be something you may be interested in given the last poetry project... 😉

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!ENGAGE 15 Cool, will enjoy perusing that resource! And yeah, the thought has definitely crossed my mind about starting a poetry community. :-)

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Thanks for sharing your journey with the Muse, as I would love to call it. I love poetry and prose, as long as they are meaningful and easy to read as I am a fan of the Hemingway style of writing. Good to have you onboard.

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@d-pend I feel your post on so many levels. <3

But the part about writing being digestive transmutation is one that I totally agree and resonate with.

We absorb the nutrients of philosophies that agree with our system and reject other sentiments as toxins. We store techniques we like in our mental organs against the hard times of creative famine and let the rest pass through.

What we write in order to further heal ourselves may become nourishment to a reader in a manner beyond our wildest expectations. Even, and especially, admissions of our own failures, suffering, and poor decisions can become tonics against the vicissitudes of life for more than just ourselves.

We process our emotions - our hurts, disappointments, sorrows, joys, excitement - and work through them. But the most wonderful thing is that all the "poison" (the negative experiences that might have destroyed us) flow through us, touch us, make us write - and in the end our writing is the "potion".

Not just for us, as it allowed us to process what happened, but others can drink of that draught too, the potion serving as a catalyst for their own healing process.

Now being a writer too, I've definitely felt the disillusionment you (and all other creatives) feel. Does anyone care?

I've also struggled with the fact that poetry and writing fiction doesn't (for now) pay the bills. That I have to do other things to sustain myself, so I can write. Sometimes, it feeds into that disillusionment, for if money is a factor of value (in this present economy) and I don't make money off my writing, does it mean my writing has no value?

But I remember a quote I once saw, which in essence was, don't stop doing what keeps you alive spiritually, just because it cannot keep you alive literally.

And I thought that was very true.

Resteemed! (:

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