Silent Prayers
The car ran at full speed down the road. To bystanders, he was a mad man behind the steering, but to the occupants of the vehicle, well, two of them at least, he was taking them on a joy ride and they were having the time of their life.
"Speed!!!", screamed the younger boy at the backseat of the car.
"Speed!", said the older boy in the backseat.
The driver of the vehicle chuckled and stepped harder on the accelerator. Anything to please the kids.
"Please, stop!", cried the little girl occupying the passenger seat. They laughed at her and called her a cry baby. They were having the time of their lives.
The car zoomed down the street until it approached a dead end. The driver sped through the U-turn, almost landed inside a ditch by the side of the road and was back on full speed. He didn't have his seatbelt on, neither did the little girl seated beside him in the passengers' seat.
"Speed!!!", "speed!!", "speed!", the boys chanted and the driver responded with more speed.
Right in front was a sharp right bend, the driver never anticipated how difficult it would be to manoeuvre. He had never driven a car until that day.
Driving at 140km/hr, he took the bend and had the car swerving in circles. Everywhere went quiet, only the voice of the little girl could be heard as she screamed.
The car spun until it landed in a heap of trash by the side of the road. The impact of the forced stop propelled the driver out of his seat and onto the dashboard as he smashed his head on the windscreen.
The little girl was weightless compared to the driver. The force of the abrupt stop was technically meant to throw her against the windscreen twice as hard as it threw the drive. But she stayed glued to her seat. The shock vibrating through her.
At that very moment, dark clouds covered the skies and it began to rain.
As she lay in bed that night, the flashes of what had transpired were on replay in her head, she could barely remember how she got home but she fell asleep to the sound of silent prayers.
The hospital machines beeped slowly and the scent of fresh spirits was in the air. Her head was wrapped in white cloth and her eyes obviously could not comprehend the light.
Her mother was by her bed, head bent, deep in the whispers of her prayers.
"Mommy", she called out in a faint voice.
Her mother's eyes lit up as she set them on her and the tears came streaming down her cheeks.
"I'm here baby, I'm here," she said, clutching her hands as though if she let go her baby girl would slip away from her.
"What happened?" She asked.
"There was an accident, but you're alright. You've been out for a week baby, but you're here now, it's going to be alright. Your head was badly injured and... And..." She held her little hand tighter and tried to catch her breath as the tears kept falling.
"But I'm fine, I didn't get hurt," said the little girl in her quiet voice. "How about it brothers, are they okay?"
"They're fine, it was just you. You hit your head hard on the windshield and have been in and out of consciousness for a week now. The doctor said it was expected." She let out her breath, "I was so scared baby".
"I don't understand, mummy", said the little girl as she fell silently into unconsciousness.
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This is a story with a bitter lesson. It is often the innocent who pay for the folly of others. In your depiction of the child's emotional state, her fear is palpable. You use dialogue well, and certainly there is action and strong narration. Three elements of the prompt are integrated well here.
There is a little confusion in the center of the story. These two sentences seem to be inconsistent:
and
At first it seems she got home, and then she is in the hospital. Also, her brother slammed into the dashboard. It does not seem likely that he escaped completely unharmed.
The story is good, and these are slight narrative inconsistencies. As a writer, you would like to clear them up, probably.
Thank you for posting this story in the Ink Well community and for engaging with other writers in the community. This helps our community thrive, and also makes you eligible to be chosen for a spotlight in our weekly highlights magazine.
Good exercise for the call of the week, @young-boss-karin, it brings together the requested elements.
You have developed a very powerful scene here, @young-boss-karin, and it's really well written, and the suspense is great! I agree with my colleague who posted feedback as The Ink Well. It feels like there are a few details missing. What happened to the others in the car? I also wonder how the circumstances could have come together where a child who has never driven before somehow gains access to a car, and his siblings are in the vehicle with him and he is driving at 140 km. It just needed a bit more to make it complete!
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What a crazy ride😮😮
I'm glad she survived the accident.
Story well written with prefect detailing. 👌💯