The Memoir of Juan : A short story of letting go and pursuing one's calling

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“I love you”, I blurted out. No response. “I love you so much”, again no response. “What should I do for you to love me back?” I questioned. “No, don't do anything. I prefer having you by my side as a friend than breaking up with you in the future”, she stated. Cat got my tongue. I really don’t know how to answer her back. I am pleased with her words yet I am not satisfied. I want something more. I am not happy with her decision. Maybe, I am not the boy she wanted. She loves me as a friend but she doesn’t consider me as a man.

“When I see you every day, my heart fluttered. Why do you think so? I must be crazy, crazy falling in love with you”. “You’re just in love with the fact that you are in love with me”, she added. For some reason, I felt confused. Is what she said is true? Not yet. I am not ready to accept her statement. My mind was blocked.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t come up with answers. Her decision was firm. Even I can’t break it. She has this mindset of keeping friends over love. We had shared ten years of friendship. I tried to distance myself from her.

Contemplating various thoughts seems like I was travelling to the past dimension of the world. I am certainly cornered in a place where I can introspect myself peacefully. Someone whispered, acceptance. It wasn’t easy at first but when time passed by, you can see yourself smiling again. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe God has a better plan. Just wait for the perfect timing. No one travels down the river of life without encountering turbulence. Through this experience, it leaves a lesson to be learned. Trust no one except for God Almighty. He has the power to control your fate

Years passed and I have waited for the right time to move on. I made myself busy and enjoyed what life brought me. And then, I met someone. I realized my first love was right for I am only blinded in the mere fact of adoring her, having her by my side when I am down and helpless. I bet it was only puppy love? I am in a state of not believing what I really felt. A piece of the puzzle was not perfectly fit. I keep on questioning what truly the meaning of love is. After a long deliberation with myself, I remembered a quote by Dr. James Dobson from his book Life on the Edge which states that,” don’t tie yourself with the person you think you can live with. Be with someone you can’t live without.” This leads to a conclusion, and I suddenly found the missing piece. To love somebody, you just only feel the moment of being in love and there is no such reason why you fall for that person. Only then I had thought that she was the right one for me when I kept on thinking about her every single day. So, I had decided to court her and luckily, she said “yes” and that was the happiest moment in my life.

I was happy. We were happy, but still she left without a word. We had all been placed in this world to discover our own way of struggles and happiness yet in deciding which path to choose, my heart doubted for a second. Can I really live without her? I am afraid of being alone. No relationship is perfect. It may look easy to handle but by all means, sometimes I also fail as a partner. Maybe I had lacked some effort and time, that's why she chooses to abandon me or I am not just enough for her. I am not afraid of failing but when it comes to her, my pride was too low to face her standards. If I had known it was not this late, then maybe I can save our relationship? A lot of ‘what ifs’ circling on my mind. I bet failure is a big part of life to teach ourselves not to be reckless in whatever choice we may take and also helps us mold our personalities. I am too young for this. I can’t handle this kind of pain.

I want to give up but there’s a part of me that wants to hold on. Still, I had found myself letting her go. I was engrossed on making myself stupid in front of her. I begged her to stay but back then, she strongly believed that I was not the right one. I hated myself for being too in love with her. Thus, as a result, I had promised not to love again. I had figured out that life is the same as travelling in the sense that you will be able to opt what place you desire to step in. At this point, I can relate myself as a risk-taker for the reason that engaging such relationships can be a matter of happiness or sadness. It is not love if you will only encounter those happy moments. In addition, I can also encounter bumpy roads throughout the journey. It is just like riding a car slowing down or overtaking any circumstances at the moment. In the end, the best feeling is to conquer what you want the most; to live the life achieving my dreams.

So, I had concluded not to entertain any girls. Study first. Life is too short to waste my time over begging someone to stay. I am tired of telling myself to be okay, but in fact, I am not okay. I just fooled myself. I had lots of questions left unanswered. What is wrong with falling and stumbling? I can always start over. I just want the truth or you can even answer me with your sugar-coated lie. Forget it. I don’t need it anymore. Everyone has different standards of happiness. So even now, I can find something to do for the rest of my life. That’s not too late. If I ever thought and compared my life as a baseball game, I am now only in the third inning. Am I going to quit because I know the chances of losing are higher? No one can know until the end. It might be a home run for me and fortunately I will stand up again. This is the end of high school life, and I want to start a new chapter with a new version of myself.

Now, being a college student, I had considered loving myself first before anyone else. This is my reality! I need to hone my skills and find a job that suits my track. I advised myself to start each day believing in my dreams. Know without a doubt that I am made for great things. Hard work plus dedication will be my ingredients in producing a sweet fruit – success. I will raise my head and conquer the challenges without any hesitations because anything is possible. Life is not about who comes first. I just need to wait for the perfect timing. We all have our time to shine.

''Your life is your story, and the adventure ahead of you is the journey to fulfill your own purpose and potential’’ Kerry Washington mentioned. I was inspired by this one. It served as my strength to fight. The future holds no promises but rather than, it is mysterious and is full of surprises. It is necessary to be ready for the obstacles that will come in the way. When you feel like the whole universe is too cruel for you, just take a deep breath or just simply sleep for a while and have a good rest. Everyone needs time to fulfill what they had wanted to do. Tomorrow is another day, another twenty-four hours to exert some energy to create an extraordinary ‘me’. Every day is a new learning. Mistakes are part of experiences. Now, I am not afraid to risk whatever it is, for I am confident that I can make myself better day by day.

Being away for school, there are circumstances that I thought this is not my cup of tea because I am not used for this kind of thing, like for example, waking up early in the morning, doing some calisthenics and stuffs but this is my dream and to fulfill this dream of mine, I had to triple up my spirit to think positive in every aspect. I may not see my loved ones, for I am not able to go home every single day, but still, they will serve as my inspiration. My family is my main source of strength and foundation, the one who will motivate me to do well. In this program, I am too blessed to be one of them. I noticed that there are lots of opportunities that will be offered after finishing this four-year course. I can’t wait to see myself working on a ship. So, in order for me to achieve, I need to fuel myself with ambition for me to have a destination. I don’t limit myself of what I can do but instead, I want to explore new things.

According to Sherrilyn Kenyon, from her book Kiss of the Night (Dark-Hunter), life is a tapestry woven by the decisions we make. Exactly. We have the freedom to make such decisions in life. There are some circumstances that we regret on what we had chosen but always remember that life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

There are times that people wonder why I had chosen this field. Some say that I am not suitable to become a seafarer. I just neglected what they had said and advised myself not to let the expectations and opinions of other people affect my decisions. It is my life, not theirs. Do what matters most and I must do things which makes me feel alive and happy. There is more to life than pleasing people. There is much more to life than following others' prescribed path. There is so much more to life than what I had experienced right now. In order to do that, I need to decide who I am first and what I am capable of.

The only source of knowledge is experience stated by Albert Einstein. No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man, Heraclitus seconded. That is why, it is best to have experiences in life. We can be mature and think critically through this.

People grow through experiences they have met in life. In my case, I had lots of pain hidden in my chest, and cannot be seen by a naked eye. If I ever told you my whole story, then maybe you would cry a river. I had many regrets in life. There was an incident that I had lost my brother. I blamed myself for not taking good care of him. I was so selfish and thought about myself, about the competition I am in. It was September when I last saw him. Four years have passed but until now, it has left a scar in my heart and no one can ever erase this pain I had felt. So much for that, let me change the topic for I am too emotional for this one.

I had been witnessing more sad moments in life. For me, it is not suffering but instead it is a way of life to motivate me in doing things seriously. The best teacher in life is the pain you encountered. It is because you will be afraid to return to your old self. Every person who gets hurt can slay for the next time they get up. Same for me. I can be a captain in my own dream. I am so grateful for the people who still love and accept me for who I am.

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Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog is a product of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.