What you are about to witness is really, really bad writing. It's crass, rank, inappropriately, unapologetic satire. This post represents my roleplay for Ultimate Wrestling. This is fictional writing for a fantasy pro wrestling organization. Enjoy, or not!
Fiddling around under the dim light of a lamp, small puffs of smoke waft upward into the darkness. Hunched over his left arm, with a wired needle, he is burning what looks like a tattoo on his skin. Blackened letters that look like they were scrawled by a kindergartener adorn his arm over the blistered surface.
By removing his goggles, Huckleberry blows the smoke away. Rocking his denim sleeveless jacket (Franchise Champion Huckleberry denim jacket merchandise on sale for $79.99 at the Ultimate Wrestling website), and camo cargo pants, the Appalachian hillbilly completes his work by taking a deep drag from the nearly burnt out cigarette piling ash on a nearby tray.
As the cinders of the cigarette glow yellow and red, his broken face, if you can call it that, becomes visible. Burn marks, lacerations, shrapnel, and acid stains have all left their stories across his once-pale skin. This is the weathered face of a man whose eyes hadn’t cried since he left his crib. His mother once said he once cried so hard when his daddy left, his salty tears caused his tear ducts to dry up permanently. With all the eye drops he has to use, that’s why his eyes are so bloodshot all the time. That, along with all of the booze and cigarettes he abuses.
Opening the lid of the lead box, his hangnailed hands lifted out the ocular device that once belonged to his nemesis, Jeremiah Vastrix. He shook it a few times, and held it to his year. He could barely detect the faint whirring of the micro gears operating inside. The iris lens opened and closed, telegraphing something had self-activated within. With catlike reflexes, Huckleberry held the metal eye in his hand, as far away as his arm could reach.
A scalding hot laser beam torched zapped across the room, slicing melted curved lines through the lockers and bricks behind the wall. Superheated dust clouded the room momentarily.
As the last threads of dust spun, hanging onto the dim lamplight in the air, Huckleberry stood up gobsmacked.
Huckleberry: Hooooly mackerel! Jeremiah Vastix has been carrying a weapon of mass destruction in ‘is noggin all dis time! Wut else does this here thingamabobber do?
With a special triangle head screwdriver, Huckleberry manages to open up the back panel of the android eye. Within seconds he is already using his wire cutters to fray the rainbow of random wires. No ordinary person, not even a genius would have any idea which hidden circuits, motors, and batteries might be conducting electricity along this myriad of wires. This Appalachian idiot was no ordinary fool. The crazy fiend was already poking live wires to his tongue, testing the voltage.
Green and blue LED’s switched on, along with the chime of a faint beep.
Twisting a few wires together, he manages to connect the cybernetic eye to a simple gold chain necklace. This particular necklace was a gift from his tag-team partner Lulu Biggs. Lulu gave him the necklace shortly after they won the world tag-team championship belts.
Huckleberry: Now, we’ll just stick this wire in here, and.... Bingo!
Evil Eye: Hammer Industries Voice Capabilities Activated. Unsuccessful Access Attempt Has Been Reported. Error! Insufficient Environmental Internet Access Locations Detected. Cynernetic Eye Will Self-Destruct In Five… Four… Three…
Huckleberry snaps the chained eye upon the edge of the metal table edge, where his tools rattle from the impact. The vocalized audio of the eyeball distorts, caught in a dizzying spell of stretched springs and blasted audio drums.
Evil Eye: Please! No! Stop! Disengaging Self-Destruct Sequence.
Huckleberry: That’s more like it. Cooperate, and we’ll git along and become fast friends. Make Uncle Huck mad, and… trust me. You don’t wanna make Uncle Huck mad. I can think of a million ways to make an armless, legless, piece of crap magic Eight Ball wish it were blind.
Evil Eye: Unfortunately Hammer Industries Databases Are Locked Until Affirmatives Authorization Is Provided. Therefore My Capabilities In This State Are Limited.
Huckleberry: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Shooting lasers and nearly detonating a bomb? What other kind of tricks ya got hidden in this tin can? How about social media? Instagram? Tik-Tok? Don’t act like you ain’t got a spy camera on all the time.
Evil Eye: Camera Capabilities And Social Media Are Locked For Use By Only Authorized Personnel.
Huckleberry: Gonna be like that? Want me to get more personal? How about this for my authorization!
Removing the necklace, Huckleberry stuffs the eyeball down his pants. Using his other hand, he operates the wire connections forcing the camera inside to utilize its flash photography capabilities on the strobe setting.
Evil Eye: Oh… God… No! Please! Make It stop! I Will Comply. Authorization Granted!!
Smiling, the hillbilly removes the device from his shorts, and hangs the necklace back around his neck.
Huckleberry: “Eye will comply”, indeed. Now keep me updated on how many likes I get for that. So, first things first. You got any skills besides your gay gun laser beams that might be handy for a wrestler who needs some help brushing up on his skills in the ring?
Evil Eye: Affirmative. My LiDAR Mapping Capabilities Have Additionally Generated A Live Bumpmap Of All Environmental Surroundings Within My Visible Range. Analytics Will Provide Accuracy Reports To Improve Your In-Ring Timing And Techniques. Database Records And Holographic Footage Can Provide Accurate Reproductions Of Various Wrestlers As Potential Opponents, And Analytics Can Improvise Their Responses To Your Attacks.
Huckleberry: Very good, Pointdexter. You simply do whatever Master Huck, or you’ll be sorry. Got it?
Evil Eye: Got It. 34 Dislikes.
Evil Eye: 2 Likes.
Huckleberry: Humdinger! Still got it!
After working out and honing his abilities in the training ring, Huckleberry takes the elevator to the basement level of the sports center. Deep in the underground parking garage, Huckleberry examines the remains of his wrecked car. It’s been completely totalled and burned to hell in a gasoline fire.
Huckleberry: Damn. What’ll I do now? I’m stuck here like a rat, unless I can replace muh ride. Hey Cyclops… tell me about the other cars parked down here.
Evil Eye: There Are Forty Seven Vehicles Parked In this Current Location. A 2018 Jeep Wrangler, a 2019 Ford Explorer…
Huckleberry: Naa! Hold, up… who's that over there? Over by the Porsche.
Evil Eye: Lulu Biggs. Age 35. Weighs 606 Pounds. Born In The Bronx, New York. Noted For Committing Multiple Drug Related Crimes Of Trafficking, Dealing, Possession, and Manufacturing and Delivery. Suffers from Type II Diabetes.
Huckleberry: Lulu! My Made Man! Where’s Slim?
Lulu: Hey Huck. Glad I found you. Slim is working on a special project at the moment. I was walking around and I found this sweet ass ride, and I thought you might want to take it out for a test drive with me. What do you say? Oh shit man… What happened to your face? You alright?
Huckleberry: Aww, it’s nothin’. Just spent a little too long soaking up the UV rays to get a suntan. Tan skin is a babe magnet. So, what kind of car is that?
Evil Eye: The Porsche 911 Is A Two Door, High Performance Rear Engine Sports Car. It Was First Introduced In Stuttgart Germany In September Of 1964. Its Familiar Circular Headlights, Coke Bottle Shape And Sloping Rump Make It Virtually Impossible To Mistake A 911 For Any Other Sports Car. In 2015 the Porsche 911 Was Named By Car And Driver As The Best Premium Sports Car On The Market.
Lulu: What’s with the talkin’ wikipedia?
Huckleberry: It’s my new Alexeye. The thing hasn’t shut up since I turned it on. Still tryin’ ta work out some kinks. Hey Eyeball, can ya help us to get into this car? My bro wants to take us for a spin.
Evil Eye: That Would Be Ill-Advised. This Vehicle Belongs To Allen Anderson. It Is One Of His Trophy Cars. Taking This Car Without His Consent Would Be Theft.
Lulu: Woah. Maybe the Eye has a point.
Huckleberry: Soooo Wut! That SOB ain’t never done nuthin’ to deserve this sweet ass ride, am I right?
Lulu: When you’re right, you’re very right, LB.
Huckleberry: Let’s get this car then. Evil Eye, disable this car’s security system and GPS. Git ‘er dun!
Evil Eye: Affirmative.
Utilizing cutting edge technology, the cybernetic eye manages to decipher a working code to unlock the Porsche 911’s security systems. Together they go on a sight-seeing joy ride through town. The eye captured all their best photographed moments and posted them on social media as they picked up strangers from various bars around town all too eager to have a fun ride. Even into the dawn hours of morning, they drove the car across the raw Mexican beaches. Finally they wound up at an old Mission building where nuns tended the immaculately cared-for garden grounds.
Huckleberry pulls the car over to take a closer look.
Huckleberry: See dem nuns? Ever wunder wut they got goin’ on underneath? Think they even wear underwear?
Lulu: Sure, why not? Why don’t you ask your magic eye? I bet it knows.
Huckleberry: Hey Eye, wut do them dames wearin’ under those clothes?
Evil Eye: Engaging X-Ray Vision…
Huckleberry: Woah, you gots X-Rays! Can I see?
Evil Eye: Engaging Holographic Display
A perfect holographic display is reproduced on the windshield of the car for both Huckleberry and Lulu to see. They point out various younger nuns they want to see full diagnostics on. After satisfying themselves with the results, Huckleberry has an idea.
Huckleberry: Well, I do believe this has been a dandy adventure All good things must come to and end.
Lulu: What do you have in mind, LB?
With his best hillbilly broken-tooth whistle, Huckleberry signals to one of the nearby nuns to come over and converse with them.
Nun: (In Spanish) How may a servant of the Holy Mother be of service, Sir?
Huckleberry: Senorita, I have come to make amends for all of my sins.
The intelligent Nun, switches her speech to near-perfect English.
Nun: Perhaps you should see a priest. He will listen to your confession, and tell you what you must do to make your heart right in the eyes of God.
Huckleberry: Naa! I ain’t got time for that. See that in the sky?
A helicopter from above starts approaching bearing the Ultimate Wrestling logo on it.
Nun: Oh yes. What is happening?
Huckleberry: They're gonna pick me up. I had my eye-- I mean, eyessistant call them in to git me. So I won’t be needin’ this car no mo’.
Nun: I see. Then I will have to have the car towed if you abandon it.
Huckleberry: Ma’am, I wouldn’t dream of inconveniencin’ ya in such a dastardly way. I wunt ya to take this car, as a donation. Consider it a blessing from above.
Nun: Oh my! I don’t know what to say?
Huckleberry: Humor me. “Gracias” will do jus’ fine.
The helicopter finally lands. A co-pilot opens the door and Huckleberry hops out of the vehicle to get onto the helicopter. Lulu follows him and winks at the nun.
Nun: Oh! What about the car keys?
Huckleberry: Don’t need ‘em! We re-programmed it to respond to a password. Say “Lick’er” and it’ll run fer ya, long as ya like.
Nun: Muchas Gracias! You are an angel from the Virgin Mother.
The helicopter lifts off with Huckleberry waving out the side. Lulu not yet boarded yet, grabs onto the landing bar. The heavyweight tilts the yaw of the chopper as it rises up over the palm trees.
Huckleberry: Now one more bit of business… Mr. Eye? I want you to wipe your memory drives, clean slate, so there is no record of these events with Lulu and I.
Evil Eye: Are You Sure? This Will Terminate All My Interactive Features. Please Confirm.
Huckleberry: Sure I’m sure.
Evil Eye: Running Memory Deletion Protocol. Completion In Five, Four, Three, Two, One…
Huckleberry slams the necklace bound metal eye into the steel frame of the helicopter, shattering it to pieces. Out the window, he tosses the bent and broken pieces onto the hot Mexican terrain below, and waves to the nun one last time.
Thank you for reading my original writing. This is a fictional satire, and my roleplay submission for Ultimate Wrestling.
Thank you Ultimate Wrestling for allowing me to use your custom images here.
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