I wanted to record this
But somehow I'm writing it
I guess it's easier this way
'Cos I wouldn't have to listen to it
If you're reading this
Know that it's a part of me I keep hidden
You'll understand before you get to the end
At least I hope you do
The only thing I want to do is sit and listen
Not to a slow song
Nor to a loud music
Like I often do
Rather to someone's voice
Just sitting in quietude
And the person's voice
I really do not care about what the person says
All I'm interested in is the soothing sound
And a throaty laugh maybe
Before it was insecurity
But I've made peace with myself
Also with life
I know it's bound to come
I don't mind
I don't fear it
I can't say I know what the triggers are anymore
I forgive more
I laugh more
I love with everything
Still it's here
It always find a way to spring forth
After I push it down
So I'm wondering
The best way to deal with it
Getting lost in the midst of people?
Or stop feeling at all?
The 28th of this month will make it six months since my Mama left. Somehow, I still can't say she died. I've continued to use left. I had held her in my arms and watched life leave her, had continued touching her body as it grew colder. I would give anything to have here again. She suffered so much. I wouldn't mind looking after her like I did for a year. Call me selfish if you like but I want to hug her so bad.
I'm boxing, since the beginning of this month, and I've been getting unnecessary stomach upsets too. I get them when I'm worried, anxious or sad. Even now, I have a nasty headache as I type this.
My candle is burning, have been since she was laid to rest. What else can I do except pray for her? The last time I saw her in my dreams, she was telling me a funny story. I laughed so hard and was still laughing when I woke up. You can guess what the laughter turned into.
I'm scared that at some point I might forget. That I might wake up one day and start imagining what her voice sounds like instead of hearing it in my head like I do everyday, or what she looked like. Memories fade after all and it's all I have now.
This isn't really a poem. I just have no idea how else to express everything burning inside. Grief is one thing. It gets worse when you have to battle anxiety and depression too.