How to Fail at Online Dating No Matter Who You Are: A Comedy Open Mic Contest Entry
"When you go into a complete shutdown and spend the next 24-hours alternating between teary panic attacks and hiding paralyzed under the covers just because somebody of the opposite sex did something nice for you, it doesn't mean you're not ready to start dating again," says the woman I pay for one hour a week of second-chance parenting. "These are simply obstacles you are learning to overcome."
Ok, so maybe she said it with more compassion than that. And maybe, just maybe, I'm not quite that fucked up. Let's just say I'm damaged goods that have been pickling in singledom for way too long and I'm ready to hit the meat market shit show dating scene again.
This is no easy feat for an introvert during a pandemic.
Word on the net is dating apps aren't creepy anymore, and that there are tons of success stories out there and everyone and their dog is using them. You just have to know how to use them.
I don't know how to use them except to find duds.
I asked around.
Here are some of the tips I received:
"Be very specific about what you are looking for." -Therapist.
Not sure what I'm looking for. I enjoy the freedom of being single but I'm sick of being lonely. I want to get laid but I don't want to sleep around during the greatest cootie craze of the millennium. I'm not opposed to something casual but also want something serious that I can call love for a few years but probably not forever because that's unrealistic.
"Be yourself, like twoooo hundred percent." -Friend who braved online dating in its infancy and found her now-husband of nearly two decades.
Pretty sure that's why I'm so fucking single.
"Just have fun with it!" -Everyone who hasn't been traumatized by dickpics and dirty-talkers mostly because the people who say this have never used dating apps and/or are men and aren't afraid of dickpics and dirty talk from some puppy-kicking misogynist on the redskirts of town.
But it's ok. I'm a big girl now, with big boundaries.
"WTF is a dating app?" -My dog.
"Use Plenty of Fish, the guys just come to you and you get to pick who you like." -Also-single-as-fuck friend.
Sounds easy enough.
Ok. Here goes.
Take a quick selfie in the kitchen, fill in a couple details, and
BAM.
Initially my career said Massage Therapist. Turns out Plenty of Fish doesn't want anyone listing themselves as a professional "rapist." My new, censored, POF-approved job title? "Massage The." Best just use the acronym.
Ready to go fishing.
Oh look, I've got messages already!
Let's see what kind of fish I caught.
This is going well! I'm so pleased.
Too bad, he seemed like such a lovely guy when we met.
Who's next?
Wait, no, I take it back, can you pay off my car?
Fun fact: I really was sitting on the can and about to take a shit, but when I saw Jim's response I laughed so hard it sucked back in and I had to wait until after my last client to finally relieve myself.
Jim sounds like a keeper. But let's see what else is biting.
He bought 2000 shares! I think he likes me. But I want options. I know my buttered halibut is out there somewhere.
That's not really fair of me. It's not like I've never used the same line in the same pond myself...
It didn't work, but that's for the best since my therapist said I couldn't date either of them.
I wonder what will happen if I use that line here?
That's a real number, but it's not the one he gave me.
Shit, that was too easy. Let's try this on someone else. Maybe I can get some credit card numbers.
For the record, I do know what those acronyms stand for. I'm just not dtf someone in acronyms.
OB! Y! Y! Y! HFMMM! DS! IGTC! IC! IC!!!!!!!!!!!
Speaking of acronyms...
He never wrote back.
But this guy did!
Translation:
"Do you like crystal meth do you wanna come over and fuck me on crystal meth I have crystal meth I have crystal meth hello[?]"
Thanks for the invitation, Mark, but I've already got plans to hang out with my new friend Gato_13.
Sadly, it didn't work out between us...
...and I was forced to move on.
Nothing like a complete stranger naming you Sexy to make you feel unique and not at all like a brainless sex object. NEXT.
I mean, he's waited a whole thirty seconds to finally start a conversation with me, I really should give him a chance. But I'm such a cold fish. NEXT!
Thought I was for sure going to hell for this one but he turned out to be a scammer, unlike my sweet, sweet Jim.
Anna Swifford. Has a nice ring to it. But I don't want to rush things.
Weekly?! WTF. Better go back and edit my profile to specify Monday, Wednesday, Saturday.
Please read profile and come up with something original.
🙄Dude you can't just shove your dick through a woman's boundary just because you were horny or still are lol. Jesus Fucking Christ.
Well that settles it. I've made my decision. I know who's getting the goods.
Finely printed disclaimers and special thanks.
For the record, I am neither man-hater nor monster. Jim was a scammer. The guys I fucked with that turned out to be decent received an apologetic lie that a friend had hacked my phone. There were plenty of nice guys out there, but I was only there for the comedy. I wished these guys luck. There were plenty of boundary-crossing asshole creeps out there, too. Not OK. Not even in Oklahoma.
Special thanks go to my single-as-fuck friend for recommending POF for pure comedy gold and for lighting a yellow candle that is supposed to help me find what I'm not even sure I'm looking for. Thanks also to @brandt for the permission to use our exchanges in this post. And of course, thank you to @amirtheawesome1 for the group and the contest.
This concludes my official entry to the Comedy Open Mic Contest. Per the rules, I am required to nominate two people I know to be funny. @coloneljethro, are you up for the challenge?
I have another funny person in mind who would probably have a blast with this comtest, but we used to bang and it didn't work out and we tried to be friends and that didn't work out either so tagging him and forcing him to read through all of this to find his name is a little more jerkface than I can muster. There are some things that are sacred. However, if you want to nominate him yourself, let me know, and I'll drop the name after this post gets buried.
That being said, @jotakrevs, you're a funny guy, care to give the comtest a go? (This nomination is made with no ulterior motives whatsoever.)
🤣😂😇🤣😂😇🤣😂😇🤣😂😇🤣😂😇🤣😂😇🤣😂😇🍕
10% of this post's rewards goes back to support the community.
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel. It's all about crows and CRows and CROWS. No dating advice.
Follow me on my crows and CRows and CROWS instagram: @se_pdx_crows
Like my Art in NFT Showroom but don't buy it. Nobody does. Nobody. I'm a failure.
If you think you're so funny, you should enter this contest. Use this link for the how-to.
All the stuff (pictures, words, etc.) I put in this post and any of my other posts is mine (unless otherwise stated) and can't be used by anyone else unless I straight up say it's ok. Boundaries, ya know?
Damn you. I planned on rebuilding some VP today but that's such a creative idea I only wish I did it myself. I have some POF stories, too, with funny endings. I should've approached them funny.
I found this cos of you 🤣
Thanks man
👊🏼
Too late, you missed that fun train and frankly, this post just put it way into outer space funny, forget the ballpark. Rally up @dandays!
You should do whatever you were gonna do anyway to rebuild that VP, which, unlike drawls and dtf and MK SBIOK I actually don't know what that means unless you're talking about Vaginoplasty or Video Poker but I don't know why you would bother with video poker unless it was video strip poker.
Lmao 🤣
This is hilarious.
Tbh I'm afraid to say more for fear of the comeback response haha
Well done!
Thanks!
@nonameslefttouse would you be so kind as to repeat your comment here, thank you.
evil laugh?Yeah, that one. Thanks.👍
evil laughYou're welcome!Lmao 🤣
OMG! I read this post a couple of times since it came out by the way. I literally don't know what to comment. This was a perfect piece.
The MK SBIOK bit and what you did with it absolutely floored me. Good to fucking see you return for round 2!
Thaaaaaaaaaanks. It took me a few hours to figure out wtf he was saying. I was pretty sure it wasn't something as innocent as "How was your Krampus."
I have no idea what the rest was, but if you know, please share.
They had no crows. Post: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LOL! But that's ok. If it was a crow I couldn't make a reference to choking my chicken.
🤔 Choking my chicken? I know choking the salmon lol.
LOL it means wankin' it. Solo dude handsex. Is choking the salmon the same thing?
God, these poor animals.
evil laughlaughs at line cross out
laughs at the thought of laughter
laughs about laughs at the thought of laughter
laughs because drugs
laughs because cranberry juice
generic laughs due to sign above head recommending now would be a good time
non-generic laughs recommended with correct signage above head
I know you said you were far east of me but
IS THIS WHERE YOU LIVE??!!😱
LMAO, no, I've just visited there. It's super brrrrrrr, cold, even at the end of May. Newfoundland is known for having wild place names.
Other spots I visited there:
Come By Chance
Spread Eagle
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!
😂 I thought you might like those.
Gotta tell you, funny thing today...I think I was inspired by your post more than I realized.
Some guy I don't know (don't want to know either), I asked for a light, gives me the light, then says, "Hi". Next is, "I want to be your friend."
I say, "You don't really want that. I'm dangerous. I eat men."
He says, "That's good."
Impressive how they hear what they want. I wonder how wild one could go with responses these days. I really do.
laughs at the lateness of this laugh in response
late late afternoon laughs after heavy reading in response to the laughs at the lateness of this laugh in response
lol to save time and be lazy
😂saving more time to be lazy
distracted by dogs barking
distantly distracted by humans barking in collective crazy
OMG! I just died as I slowly read every word, couldn't miss a letter, that good. The last two days have been crappy ones and your post just took all the crappy out of those two days, breaking out the sunshine smiles. Thank you!
This is so beautifully written that I want a sequel.
I JUST WANT MORE.
I had to pause at "laycon" because I was sure that was a guy I knew that was sugar baby hunting. It's not, but I had to stare at the photo to make sure. 😂
I am honored to be the one to uncrappie your crappie! 🐟
Not sure I can make a sequel. My pole broke when I tried to reel this one in:
🤣🤣🤣That's a shame but saves your sanity, even though I want the hilarity.
You know, I was on there twice. I lasted 2 weeks the first time. Many months later, tried again and lasted less than 24 hours.
It's a good tool for practicing assertation of boundaries, though, in addition to being a good place to find tools.
All in all it's creepy as hell knowing there are so many people out there that are creepy as hell. I was a bit nervous about finding more creeps just by sharing this blog, but fortunately all the creeps on here are hilarious, and any not funny creeps will get downvoted into the dirt.
You're right on practicing boundaries, but what tools have you found?
It is creepy. Worst I got was one with a very young child as image (none of the whatever man? it was). Funniest one, was a guy on there doing surveys for a sociology program, LOL. He was honest about it though.
All in all, Hive's a decent spot, can't say I like any other social media platform (skipped them all).
I was using the slang tool, he's such a tool, shoulda gone to school that fool who'll love him now he's so dumb sucking his thumb like a little baby ummmmmmm why the fuck would someone put a kid as their profile pic unlessssssssssssssssss the world was a shitty place with awful human beings? I just answered my own question. Such is the single life...
I really like hive. It's the one place where you can pay people for being your friends. We all deserve that.
😂😂 I got that far, then choked on a laugh, then laughed even more. I haven't heard that in a while and my mind is indoctrinated strongly that tools are things I use to create with and if they don't fit the bill they fit the garbage bin.
Only saw that once with a child being the pic and well, my mind went right to...you know...that was the last time, the less than 24 hours on there. Done. Single life beats useless tools every single day.
That's such a flipping fantabulous statement. 😂
Wait .. you mean that comment from the Nigerian that said "nice post brother, vote my post' was paying me 0.0001 for my FRIENDSHIP? Now I feel bad.
You should feel bad. He was starting small. If you want to friendship you must have patience and Patience describes love.
Funny how folks interact. Yeah, I think online dating is designed to keep you single. If it worked, they would soon go out of business. Kind of like doctors who treat the symptom rather than the cause, because it pays so much more and guarantees repeat business. There was a time when you could find your sweetheart on dating sites. Today the pickins are slimmer. Add the fear of covid to the mix and it is near impossible.
I tend to think as we age, so too remaining apples on the tree. When you are young, there are plenty of fruit to be had. In time, many apples find their way to the ground, being the delight of worms. The best apples are high up in the tree, if you are willing to discover it. People are like those apples.
Yet, many of us remember the joy of loving someone and hope to find it again.
Definitely keeps me single!
Usually when I try to be funny it doesn't end well. Might still take a swing at it, do I have to follow rules or instructions?
If you have the right approach(mindset?), dating sites a great, don't ask me what that is though. I usually got bored and started sending photos of Dick Cheney to anyone with 'No dick pics' in their profile.
Don't contradict yourself. It's rude.
Here are the rules.
And funny not ending well is also funny if you end really badly and everyone laughs at you.
I just voted on one of my own comments thinking it was yours.
I didn't contradict myself, it didn't end well!
Does that count as slapstick?
Be careful using the term slapstick around me, buster.😆
Oh my gosh! This is hilarious, but also sobering. I can't imagine being in the dating pool nowadays.
It can get pretty creepy. Honestly, this was the only time it was actually fun, since I wasn't serious about it.
I enjoyed every minute of this. I'm a little disappointed with Jeremiah - he started out so strong. Maybe he met someone right after sending that and it was love at first acronym. He had a bit of a serial killer look about him though, so maybe he was just busy at the time. Erik though, he actually asked about your dog and the crows, and at least initially didn't want to eat either. Might have been a winner.
So true. I have a good friend that did some online dating for a while. Every time she got a dickpic she was compelled to forward it to me, so I have second-hand dickpic trauma. And it was always random, so I would open a text expecting to read about how she left the ice cream out on the counter and bam! Random erection. I just don't get it - they just aren't that attractive. Would need to kind of like the guy before being willing to look at the alien in his pants.
SECOND HAND DICKPIC TRAUMA!!!!! LLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
I second this. Poor boys, though. They're just so excited about them that they can't fathom why we wouldn't be.
I suppose I can see how having a toy that inflates and deflates attached to you is kind of exciting and would make a person want to share. Actually no, can't understand - the deflation part is totally lame ;)
HAAAAAAAAAAA!
this is terrifying.
I cant believe what datey people have to go through.
I suppose its kind of good in a way that these morons are so tactless, or you might actually end up face to face with them! But then.... if you dont bite, you effectively encouraging the evolution of tactical liers. 'If you'd lied to me, you might have stood a chance.' Its such a lose lose situation.
There should be a law where your most recent ex has to build your profile. That might encourage some self-betterment...
LOL!!
My most recent "ex" would be too stoned to bother.hehe. I could imagine that there would be a fair bit of imbalance there in general. Extremely minimal, inconsiderate female profiles alongside extensive encyclopaedic male profiles with epic reams of deeply critical behavioural analysis including all the gory details and then a long apologetic sounding pitch at the end which tries to paper over the horrendous character assassination with some faintly redeeming qualities that explain why you went out with him in the first place (or the alternative; accidentally gushing ending that reveals to anyone reading between the lines that your still in love with him despite his inadequacies and would take him back at the drop of a hat)
HAAA! Sadly, nobody on POF reads profiles.
Well I guess I should go warn my friends at the Lake County Landfill & Recycling Center about this.
!BEER
View or trade
BEER.Hey @corvidae, here is a little bit of
BEERfrom @brandt for you. Enjoy it!Learn how to earn FREE BEER each day by staking your
BEER.First they buy you a beer, then they try to get you to go to the landfill with them.
Men.🙄
Oh my corvid goddess this is the comedy shit!!! I love it. Did you go to this extent just for HIVE? PLEASE tell me you did... Loved this post. I could NEVER do dating apps but damn it'd be worth it for the comedy.
I did!!! I figure if I can't get a sugar daddy to pay off my car, why not get Hive to do it.
This gave me some great laughs, and your profile is great. I love the "read profile and try again" too XD
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for reading!
Lmao you have made me crack my ass! Thanks for the tag, but I'm dealing with tons of crap in RL and don't feel funny to join such contest.
You weren't born with a cracked ass already?? 😆
I hope your RL stuff gets better soon.
Yeah, but now became concerning lol
Thanks for the good whishes!
😂 I laughed at some of your responses. I don't know what men think when they write these things. Dating seems to be pretty difficult nowadays.
Grab a !PIZZA and you feel better.
Thanks! I feel better already.
I showed this blog to an older (76) male writer friend of mine and he said he thought it was funny but I'm pretty sure he was horrified and is convinced that I am a man hater/eater now. Oops.
Yeah, I see where he is coming from. I thought the same for a bit. But I understand the frustration on this dating apps where men often just rude and sexist. I've heard that from many women. The only thing you should not do, is thinking that all men are like this. On the other side, I can tell that it's hard to date a woman there. Some of them are rude for no reason or also sexist. I uninstalled that app after a few days. Like I said before, it's hard nowadays to date other people. For me it is way easier in real life. I can directly see how she reacts, what her mood is and how she is. Online you often just read text without knowing the emotion behind the message.
Don't worry, I definitely don't think all men are sexist jerks. I do, however, think that there is a disproportionate amount of this type on dating apps. I'm with you on the whole meeting real people in real life. I've never liked dating apps. I never planned on using one again but then I had this idea for a comedy blog... POF worked out perfect for that.
IRL is way better, but the world is a giant murderous snot ball right now. Single is good, though, too. Don't have to share the ice cream and who needs a boyfriend to greet you at the door when you have the world's most amazing dog?
Agree, for comedy it's perfect. I bet you didn't have wait to long to get the right answers and candidates. I watch sometimes 'Dating App Fails' or something like that. It is really funny. It's similar to what you have done but the conversation is shown in a video. I'm looking forward for more comedy from you.
Thanks! I hope I can come up with more stuff without resorting to crapping my pants.
Well, I watched enough commercials that I've learned, that there are diapers for adults. 😏
Oh, I already knew that. I'm wearing one now. Hot, huh.
Uhm... 😂
You should write this little detail in your dating app profile. Maybe you'll find some kinky men for another comedy writing.
Hahahaha, no, no more online dating for me. I will leave it to the fates to determine whether or not I find my diaper daddy.
PIZZA Holders sent $PIZZA tips in this post's comments:
@chaosmagic23(3/10) tipped @corvidae (x1)
Please vote for pizza.witness!
When the world needed Jim's patience the most, he vanished.
I know!!! He really let me down. It'll take days to get over him. 😢
Hope you'll make a swiff recovery.
🤣
This was so funny..
Some guys would have choked on your responses.
LOL thanks!
it's now wonder they are still looking for a date, wow!
🤣
Shiiiit that was brilliant and so rough at the same time, I did felt bad for the guys, as you didn't blur their faces and names, but again, for the sake of the jokes, I am sure they'll be totally fine with it!
LOL, tbh, so many people on there were scammers, pictures and names and descriptions copied from real profiles. Pretty sure "I'm" out there somewhere, now, maybe in New Jersey, trying to get some poor sap to wire me money in Micronesia.
In some weird ways, you are contributing to the global economy...That's a good thing 🤓
yesssssss.