A REASON TO LIVE- Birthday Post

almost 4 years ago (Edited)

It's been quite a journey. A journey of 21 years and yet I am still here with my fighting spirit.
My name is Onoabedje Precious Oghenerukevwe and I am 21 today, it's a Happy Birthday to me. That's a photo of me below smiling to life and it's fullness but there was a time my smile was stolen. And I resort to killing myself slowly without my knowledge until I find that reason to live

I was a normal girl cheerful lively girl with all energy until late 2018, I was hit with a rock, it felt like I was alone in the world but I never stopped, I kept on fighting hoping to that the rain will fall on me someday bringing forth it's blessings to me and when the sun rises my glow will come.
But life was tough and not that easy but I still adapt and kept pushing, I saw some results that brighten my face.
Not talking about the physical face you do see for it was always with smiles. Anytime someone looks at me then, what they would see is a mask.
A mask that shows that everything is okay, she is alright and fine. I do crack jokes and some persons find it funny but when they are gone and I am alone it felt like I am alone, fighting with myself.

Took this photo during one of my dark moments, glad I kept it to be able to use it to tell my story

2019 came through, Wow! What a beautiful year I thought. But it was the year I lost it because I kept failing at anything I try, it was like the world was against me. At times I stay awake till 5am doing nothing just having random thoughts, other times I share a tear or see any movie to distract me from thinking that much.
The hour of the night wasn't my best. I was struggling inside when some persons I didn't offend planned a coup against me.
I was dying inside and I knew. There were a few times I felt a pain on my chest, it was as if a hole was there it was then I knew I got to stop because I didn't want to die.
So by putting my mental health in check, I stopped living. Yes, I was alive but not living because I gave up fighting, I didn't see myself worth fighting for, I was ready to take anything that comes to me. I made up my mind that whatever wants to happen should happen.

A year back (may 20th) I made 20 and I watch the clock as it ticks from 10 pm to 12 am. I got the happy birthday wishes and I fake to be happy as I have decided to let nothing get to me and accept whatever fate brings. But when all friends were gone and I was left alone I realize I wasn't fine, I didn't want to continue feeling so low.
So I took my first step and fight off what became my best friend's isolation and junk meals. I started going out frequently, fight off my ranging appetite of junks. It wasn't easy fighting my addiction but I did overcome or maybe nearly overcome it as I still love staying isolated till date.

I started fighting no matter how tough, even when I got a great financial loss in August 2019 that made me speak out to someone about what was going on with me but it wasn't worth it because I spoke to the wrong person or maybe the person was just too busy with their own problems, I don't know.
But that motivates me to Live, it gave me a reason. That my life is mine and I shouldn't let problems, frustrations, and opinions of people get to me. And if anything happens to me today people will get over it someday and I will become history.
I never for once have suicidal thoughts but at times I wish I wasn't born, I wish there was no me because it feels like life was suffocating my well being. I couldn't say I love me to myself because I thought I didn't deserve love but today I can scream I love you Precious. I have learn not to be hard on my self and work gently and smartly to achieving the best I can instead of beating myself hard to be the first and succeed.

It's my Birthday and I want to say these to myself

I am 21, young, beautiful, and priceless. I am hardworking and will keep doing my best, I say no to being hard on myself, I say no to quiting.
I am not useless, I am useful. Yes, I do fail at times but it doesn't make me a failure, giving up is what will make me a failure and I have decided to only being a failure at one thing which is to keep failing to be a failure.
I am a success and I have a story, it's one to be shared, it's one to be told. I am unique, powerful, and strong. The world will see my star someday for I am a diamond, who is rare and can't be un notice when seen.