This post is a lot about religion and having faith or whatever, don't like it don't read. That's the closest I'll get to apologizing for speaking my mind and opinions.

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Lately I seriously am seeing the need for religion for me, and honestly society. But I ain't about to speak for all of society, but I will speak for me.

This past month and a half has been pretty much absolutely insanely crappy. Despite that, I never would have thought I would be getting interested in basically becoming a Christian. I think. My grandparents are Catholic. Not sure what the difference is honestly.

Growing up I thought I was a Christian because I went to church a few times and I celebrated Christmas. I always believed in God because I kind of felt like I should. Through a particular Youtuber, I believe I am discovering what it means to really be a Christian rather than sort of just going with the flow.

Why does my generation just despise the past and how dumb people were in the past? If we are all open minded, why not truly try to understand and give Christianity a chance? I guess all religions, but I mean many of the people and many past generations in America were raised based on the Bible, so I mean are we really just going to ignore and assume everyone from back then were idiots? Why not like, give the most popular and main American religion a chance?

How can someone be 100 percent 'progressive'? To me that isn't even logical. Like why must every single aspect of everything ever, progress? How does that even make sense? If we do that won't everything just eventually be flipped upside down? I'm not scared of change, but feeling the need to change everything is suuuuuper strange man.

I've been watching Youtube for years now. I've had many phases of enjoying different Youtubers of all walks of life. This particular Christian Youtuber, really makes sense for me personally. Everyone's got an agenda, but I believe in my own intelligence and reasoning abilities, and what this man is saying makes a whole lot of sense, simply because I am a living example of what this man speaks of often.

I was raised completely by a single mother. She was a tough tough woman, angry often. I was often sad about not having my father, who passed away just before I turned two years old. At the same time my mom had a lot of pride about raising me on her own. She would often say things like, "I gotta be a mom and a dad". I'm not sure if it's because of those comments but I always felt like, "I guess it's not that big of a deal I don't have a dad". It really never bothered me that much. I was raised really entirely by women. My sister and her best friend. My best friend was a girl, but she was a legit tom-boy. I might sound ignorant for saying that, but oh well. I don't feel ignorant.

Despite the fact I didn't feel like I was going without, the results of my personal life growing up completely contradict the idea that I didn't really need a dad.

I really barely had friends growing up. I didn't know how to fit in at all. Boys and their machoness confused me. I remember literally hating confident, cocky men because I just didn't understand.

Then on the contrary I didn't understand at all how to be romantic with women or get them to like me. Not trying to say I want to force women to like but I think you know what I mean.

Growing up, I really felt like just this gray area of a person, of a man. I had no place. No legit group of friends.

So much hate and confusion brewed inside of me. My mother really didn't help at all. I felt like I was ungrateful and that further worsened my state of mind.

My mom ran off both of the men in her life. As an adult I can now see that. I love my mom, don't get me wrong. But now I can see how much she was kind of too stubborn. She would always talk crap about her first husband and she never really spoke about my father at all. I learned later in life that at the time of his passing, he wasn't even living at home but at a different apartment because she kicked him out and wasn't really letting him see me and my siblings. I was told my father died by accidental suicide, but I hear that some other people wonder how accidental it was. I guess I'll never really know for sure, but my siblings and many people I love and respect tell me how great he was. I also have tapes of my dad being very loving towards me. I love him so much.

I've honestly never heard my mom say sorry to anyone. I've never heard her take responsibility for anything even though she always preached to me that I need to be held accountable.

I don't hate my mom whatsoever I have no more anger towards her. I'm learning that men should not have anger. I was told that I need to forgive my mother. I didn't forgive her in person, but I did send her a letter the other day. For the first time in like over eight years I have had any type of contact with her. I would have been less cowardly and talked to her in person if I didn't feel like she might call the police on me. I love and forgive her, but I'm not about to risk going to jail just to see her.

As I have been in a couple of relationships, I now see that straight women don't really want an honest man, they don't want to hear about a man's problems.

I am not hating on women, how could I? I was raised by women.

Women want a strong man who can be the reliable rock in their life.

Of course to a lot of people that is as obvious as the sky is blue. I was so confused about what women want and how to fit in as a man. My mom was always prideful and strong. Society says there is too much toxic masculinity. Women want to be treated the same as men, and I guess I get that, but maybe I warped that meaning. I tried to get women to treat me equal too, when that is just strange behavior for a man. I was acting like my mom basically.

Growing up without a father, I really didn't know what the meaning of being a man was. I didn't know my place in the world.

Society and my own mother kept telling me men were unnecessary, obnoxious things. The more I think about it, I am beginning to understand why I basically kind of always felt worthless.

From watching this Youtuber and slowly learning more about Christianity, I am starting to understand how important it is to have a father. I am learning that men do matter and we have value. I'm starting to understand the meaning of a traditional family. People want to belittle the meaning of what a man and a woman is, and I don't think that it's the wisest thing to mess with. I don't have a problem with gay people, but I will never believe there are more than two sexes.

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Other than my 'men matter' rant I am also beginning to understand why having a faith is very important. For personal reasons I easily like and relate to Christian values, but I don't mind other religions at all. As long as they don't hurt people or anything obvious like that.

When people don't have any faith in a higher power or real morals, it can definitely be a slippery slope. I know from my own life experience.

Perhaps for awhile you can last without religion, and I suppose there is always exceptions to the rule. But a part of me thinks it's so obvious what's wrong with the world.

I think that for many many people when they have zero faith, they start to believe that like anything and everything is ok to do as long as it makes you 'feel good'.

People love to say 'if it's not hurting you or affecting your life why should it matter to you?' Well sure that's cute and everything but if like the majority of people start just like doing whatever because it feels good, I can easily see us crumbling as a society. We will be just weird kind of smart animals pretty fast.

Sorry, but a human is not an animal. Not to me. Justify it all you want with science, I really will never believe we are equivalent to a worm. Like, no.

As a guy who grew up in not a very religious household I can see how not believing in anything can sicken the mind and just make you feel crazy.

I can personally understand why Christianity believes those without faith are kind of one with the devil.

Call me what you want man. This really makes a lot of sense to me.

Without religion, we would just be out here doing crap willy nilly because it simply satisfies our animal urges. As a society that will def brew some chaos.

Religion helps me understand that you shouldn't always live by what is convenient, but we should always aspire to do what is right.

I could probably write a lot more, but I'll save that for future posts.