Game review: Resident Evil 6 - Aka, the shitty one (HiveGC Worst game contest)

over 3 years ago

Hello, there. And, welcome to my game review which is going to be greasing up your asshole now. The @hivegc account is holding a new contest, where I have to talk about one of my worst gaming experiences. So, I figured I'd review the biggest stain on one of my favorite horror franchises. So, today, I guess that I'll be talking about the Resident Evil game that made my nutsack retreat back up inside of my out of sheer disgust, Resident Evil 6. You would think out of a team of over 600 people, one of those poor souls would have had the decency to burn this terrible game down before release, but sadly this game ultimately ended up dropping back in 2012.

Honestly, after playing this game in the modern time, you'd probably be wondering if Vin Diesel somehow snuck into Capcom Headquarters and brainwashed some of the employee's into making this game about Family. Resident Evil 6 aimed to be a dramatic horror game, but instead we got a gelatinous pile of dog shit in comparison to pretty much every other RE game to be released. This game feels more like a high budget episode of The Walking Dead released in the Resident Evil universe, rather than an actual Resident Evil game. I laughed so much through my original playthrough of this back in 2012 that my knee would probably disintegrate from how hard I was slapping it and waggling my finger in the air. But, lets talk about why this game failed so hard.

The biggest failure of this game is the tone by far. As I mentioned before, this game is entirely detached from being a horror game, in my opinion. The feel while you're playing is more reminiscent of a schlock filled Michael Bay action movie than a desolate horror title with all the tits, ass and explosions that happen while you play. You know, where a horror game would have tits, ass and gore instead. Regardless, instead of the atmospheric horror with lots of creepy designs and tension filled moments, we instead get Transformers 17, but replace the giant ass robots with zombies. It feels as lifeless and by the numbers as you could get with an action game. To sum it up, it was a huge fucking let down for teenage me, especially after the fun I had with Resident Evil 4 and even 5.

The story itself is basic bitch tier shit. There are 4 campaign modes where you're using a different character for each, with their own purpose and goals. Without going into spoilers, I just genuinely thought the story was a huge mess narrative wise, and the writing for the dialogue was even worse. Most of the conversations do not feel natural, and make it seem like a lobotomized AI wrote the script for the game instead of a human being. You never at any point care about the characters within the game, or their situations throughout. All the twists are very predictable, and there's just no tension that builds up throughout the game. The game sets the pace of that of a soccer mom drinking wine while ranting about being anti mask on Facebook, and it stays at that level throughout. It fucking sucks.

I'll be up front though and say if this game wasn't a Resident Evil game or a horror game in general (Like, if it was marketed as an action game with very, very minor horror elements tossed in), it would probably be passable for a forgettable and mediocre title. However, Capcom decided to spit on it's hand and just rub one over the hearts of thousands of Resident Evil fans across the world. And, who doesn't love getting a gamer gunk bukkake onto their face while full of tears of disappointment and sadness. Fuck yeah, babyyy.

The controls and gameplay are also pretty mediocre, with some sections being just flat out stinky. Which kinda is sad, considering most of them are just an attempted carbon copy of the previous two games, but done more clunky. They also dial up the quick time events to 11, where they're super fucking overused. You could probably pull that off in a more cinematic game like Until Dawn, for example. But, I don't want 25-30 percent of the game to be mashing buttons on my nutsack like a cocaine fueled chimp. The dodge system was probably the worst bit of the controls, as you had to be aiming your gun while hitting the sprint button and down on your joystick. You know, because fuck toggle roll when we can just make everything convoluted as hell. And, instead of a roll animation, you get to feel like you're opening up an Onlyfans account since it looks like your characters are spread eagle on the floor ready to get their ass pounded. Combat in this game was just goofy and dumb in general.

While I don't think the game is remotely a survival horror piece, they really wanted to beat you over the head with a 13 inch dildo that that's what they set out to do. Fighting is a core aspect of this game, and they barely give you any ammo to work with even though they place you into shoot out after shoot out like we're in dollar store Terminator 2. And, you can't just speedrun past this shit really, as there's lots of segments where you have to clear a room out before you can progress. Instead, you have to melee a fuck ton of the enemies, and it's honestly hilarious how you absolutely obliterate them. Apparently Leon/Chris/etc. are all now supernatural beings capable of exploding a zombie just by gently blowing on its penis.

There was also another annoying aspect of the gameplay I didn't go over, which was the god damn camera angles while fighting. It was just a clunky system that made combat more annoying than it would need to be. It seemed like the angles worked against you and made your accuracy worse because the way the camera focused was never exactly correct. Maybe there was just some cutscenes missing showing that each character had been to a frat party and butt chugged 13 PBR's before coming back, otherwise I'm not sure why the visuals get kinda wonky like they do. Another stupid fucking issue is how you snap into cover automatically if you have your gun out, which would make you scream and shove a lego brick up your asshole in annoyance when you're just trying to get on the move. That shit was just very frustrating.

However, past the actual movements and controls of the game, we have an even bigger pile of shit waiting. What's that, you're asking? Well, I hope you were prepared for no creativity or passion in the enemy designs of the gameee. That's right, the enemies in this game were boring as fuck and just recycled stuff from all of the previous iterations. I think this was one of my biggest disappointments with this game as a kid, I fucking loved all the unique creatures and characters the previous games had created. And, this one just kinda dragged its dilapidated ass on the carpet and said "Wow, now that's some spooky shit right there!" We got to see the return of Crimson Heads, though they were overpowered as fuck for what they were, acting like some shit straight out of the Marvel cinematic universe. There were the J'avo, which are literally the same exact fucking enemies as we got in Resident Evil 4 and 5, except now they have some gats to go pew pew. Again, my cock was so dried out and flaccid from this fucking game I'm surprised it didn't crumble into ash from the lack of testosterone and masculinity that I felt while playing this yucky game.

World design is also just as bland and boring as the rest of the game. Each area just blends together as you progress, there's no unique backdrops or set pieces to be played around with. Honestly, most of the environments in this game just look like straight dog shit. Probably partly in due to the fact that everything in this game lacks any kind of color. This shit looked like it was actually made by an edgy 13 year old where everything has to be dark and dreary and just be nothing but dark and ugly. Maybe I'm just expecting too much, but between the first 4 main title games there were just so many cool areas to explore with lots of creativity used to make them. I just figured they'd be able to do something fun or unique at some point in this game. The character designs also follow the bland/boring theme. Everyone just looks like a slightly shittier, generic version of their past selves. And, new characters are so bland you'll forget about them within a few days of playing.

But, there was one thing with this game that I actually enjoyed while playing it. Thank the dark lord Cthulhu for the Mercenaries mode that was included with the game. I always think this mode is pretty fun from the past games, and it holds up here as well. You never have to worry about shoving your boot into a monsters urethra, as there's always a good amount of ammo available to use for your weapons. There was even an aspect that was kinda reminiscent of Dark Souls where you could invade another players world as an enemy monster to twist their nipples a bit. This was definitely the biggest pro for me as a teenager, obviously. Otherwise, I can't say anything really too positive about this game. I'm just happy Resident Evil 7 didn't continue down this abysmal path.

So, there was my entry into the worst game experience contest. I realize mine is a bit odd since it's technically more of a game review, but I figured I'd go with what I know how to do, which is spreading cheeks and going nuts to butts on terrible, terrible games. I could have maybe gotten a bit more personal, added in some details about how the game would make me so angry that I'd go throw myself down some stairs, then I'd go dunk my hands into a toilet bowl before sliding my fingers up my ass and whispering "Why, Daddy Capcom, why?" But, I figured this would get the point across. Anyways, hope you enjoyed the game review!

Until next time, dood's.

Later!