What's up, you bunch of soggy simpletons? I'm back for my first game review of 2021, since there's barely been anything good released over the past few months. I guess I should consider it a godsend that there's any games being dropped with how shitty the world has been lately. I feel like 2021 is going to be very broken up with games for me to actually review. But, yeah. Today, I'm going to be talking about the most recent game from a long time beloved franchise, Hitman 3. As with the last two games released, Hitman 3 was developed and published by IO Interactive for all platforms besides for the Nintendo ones, because fuck Nintendo.
But, lets actually get into the review. Because I was pretty excited to actually bust into this game, as I fucking loved Hitman 2, but, man. I have to be honest, I was really disappointed with what we got in Hitman 3.
So, why was I disappointed? Well, that's because
there wasn't enough big dicked Garfields with tentacle arms in the game. When I play hitman, I expect some Lovecraftian, furry porn, god damn it. this game is basically an actual carbon copy of Hitman 2. The only actual change to the game beyond the maps that's been made is one new gadget/feature being added in, the camera, which is great and all. But, with a few years of development you'd figure they would have changed and improved a good handful of things. At least they could have maybe changed the graphics up a bit, but even that is literally identical. You can find comparison videos online showing that it quite literally is the same graphically as the previous Hitman game, just with some minor lighting changes. It doesn't really feel like there was any inspiration floating around their office during the 2ish years they've been working on this game.
Now, maybe I could have looked past the fact that they didn't really do shit to separate this from the previous entry in the series on a technical level if the story was at least well done and entertaining. However, the story sucked ass harder than a man trying to suck the blow out of a strippers asshole. I don't think pretty much anyone plays these games for the story or anything, but, I just wanted to point it out that nothing great was done there either. The narrative is piss poor, and it's worth noting on top of all the other issues.
But, even with my penis being kinda flaccid from all that, it's still a fairly enjoyable experience to play through the game. The maps they did add are all pretty well done with interesting details and options. The main story kills to progress the game is mostly pretty fun/entertaining, with a few that are absolutely terrible. The side missions allow you to do some really goofy stuff as well, which adds into the fun of the maps. So, thankfully, I can't really say anything bad about these maps in the Hitman 2 Ultra Mega DLC pack. Thank the dark lord Cthulhu for that I guess, eh?
Honestly, I'm not too sure what else I should mention at this point. I know I've been hammering it into your foreheads, but, this game is literally just Hitman 2-2: The Hitman-oning. And, that's not really the worst thing in the world or anything, because Hitman 2 was a great fucking game. But, I feel like if you were like me coming into this expecting new things in a new game, you're just going to be really disappointed. And, this isn't just hyperbole or anything. Things get said like this about franchises like Call of Duty and Battlefield. But, this is seriously the same exact game in every sense it could be.
All of the animations, sound effects, mechanics and everything from the top down is exactly what you got in Hitman 2. And, I can't even really think of anything actually bad on a technical sense to mention with the game, because, again, it's just Hitman 2 with new maps. Which was a rad game. So, it isn't a bad game by any means. But, for the full price of $60 I can't help but wince because it feels like EA got a hold of Hitman and decided to follow their sports game strategy of just making the same game every year with different names added into the game. There's a good amount of replayability at least with this game, as there was with the previous entries in this trilogy. But, I think a price of $30-40 like they do for DLC packs would have been more appropriate.
The main takeaway is this, if you really liked Hitman 2, you're going to like this. I feel like saying don't buy this game, because that's typically what I'd do for any other game that just copy/pasted their code for all of their games. But, Hitman 2 was tons of fun and there's absolutely nothing wrong with the gameplay. So, on one hand I do recommend people give this game a shot. I suppose I'd say have some caution on paying full price for it. If you don't feel like waiting though and wanna jam your cock through a mans skull while dressed as a bell boy, then I wouldn't chastise you for paying $60 to do it. But, I just can't applaud the fact that had no creativity or inspiration to breathe into the game. With this being their final entry into this new trilogy, you'd figure they'd want to go out with a bang and do something bigger and better. Oh well, I guess.
Anyways, hope you've enjoyed the review. I know this was a fairly short one, but there's not much to say really otherwise unless I'd just want to go back and review the second game. So, until next time I guess, doods. Hope you're all staying safe and grease filled out there.