On Benevolence and Rebukes

I’ve read and been told stories about how people approach and talk to the homeless, hear their stories, sympathise and help them out with a few gifts. They tell of how grateful these people are to have someone actually speak to them as a person and offer them some kindness. Like us, they are human too. Also, one of the things I often hear they need is socks. They seem to be something that's hard to come by when your in that situation.

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I personally don't encounter many homeless, but one day I had the opportunity to. A man was sleeping rough on the bench near the library one day and had his feet showing through the huge holes in his socks. I needed to go to the supermarket across the road for a few things and my husband needed new socks too, so I got one extra of the things I needed that day, juice and socks, then went back to the man on the bench. As I'm pretty much terrified of approaching anyone I don't know, this was no easy task for me and I played scenarios in my head to convince myself I could manage to listen and chat if that's what he wanted.

The guy was asleep with his head under his coat, like a bird with its head tucked under a wing. I apologised for disturbing him and mentioned that I noticed his socks were worn, asking if he'd like a pack of new ones, because I had some extra. I offered him juice as well, in case he wanted a drink. As he moved his coat away from his head I noticed he had a cake in its packaging held close to his chest. A couple of pairs of shoes were under the bench and one pair was keeping the cake company.

It was pretty obvious straight away he just wanted rid of me. He refused the gifts, except when I asked if he was sure about the socks, then as his voice reluctantly said he'd take them (almost as if he was doing me a favour), his hand betrayed him by snatching them and putting them in the treasured place with the cake and favourite shoes.

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As I thought about it, this guy had actually placed himself in a reasonably good place to survive without a home. The shopping centre has public facilities where he can use the toilet and wash. The front car park has a donation bin, which quite a few of the poor do their shopping in for reasonably priced clothes (this was probably where he gotten his shoe collection from). Then there will be the supermarket bins from which he probably got his cake. In fact the only thing he wasn't likely to get hold of was socks, so that explains the advice on what to give homeless people.

Half of me was grateful for the interaction being brief, while the other half was a little embarrassed and reminding me why I generally avoid offering help unasked for. I'm not one of those people who has heart warming stories to tell about how benevolent I am and how I've saved people or creatures or been a turning point in someone's life. Trying to do those sorts of things generally blows up in my face.

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It's surprising how many people don't like being offered help. So you've got this conundrum going where you're guilted for not offering help and guilted for offering help. Sometimes it's our pride that doesn't allow us to accept help, but it's also our pride that suffers if our offer of help is refused. Is it any wonder we don't help our fellow people when we're afraid of responses ranging from no to downright hostility?

I once overheard an older woman in the supermarket saying to her husband that she couldn't see the Jammie Dodgers. As someone with children I was aware that they were kept with the children's selections of biscuits, so I thought I would be helpful and let them know. She turned to me almost disdainfully and gave me a veritable tirade on how her grandchildren wouldn't eat the kiddy versions, they wanted the full sized adult versions! I was so taken aback by the way she responded I didn't even try to correct her and say that they were the standard version. Instead I walked away in shock while trying to imagine miniature versions of that particular biscuit and wondering if they even existed. Could I really have gotten it so wrong? I actually doubled back to check when they'd gone and sure enough, there were the adult sized Jammie Dodgers in the children's section.

After so much animosity over something so small, I avoided offering any stranger help again for years. In optimistic moments I occasionally forget myself, but little rebukes give me a reminder if I start to get over confident and think myself useful. If the situation is looking dire, I will wait to see if anyone else more worthy steps up to help, before moving on. Someone nearly always does, so move on I do.

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It's probably why for a long time I've avoided offering help on Hive. Usually I just let people know they can ask me if they have any questions (they never do). However, with more experience under my belt and my experiences as a curator, on occasion I've mentioned to someone that they might want to adjust something they're doing so that they don't attract the attention of HiveWatchers. I try to put it in the nicest way possible and some people respond really well, but honestly most people get defensive and I become the bad guy. I'm starting to realise why some people don't even bother trying to give them a chance and just report them to HiveWatchers, letting someone else deal with the fallout.

I’m not actually sure where I'm headed with this. Perhaps I'm trying to figure out if I'm among the common or uncommon with these experiences. Maybe my skin is just too thin. How do you go in these circumstances? Are you one of those who gets shot down or does everyone love you for your kindness and assistance?

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My thanks goes to @crosheille for the image and @kaliphae for the divider. Both will be beneficiaries of this post.



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(Edited)

Here in Bangladesh, you will get to see many homeless, street child and so...We sometimes find it hard to reach them all for help because of the huge number.
Your story is totally the opposite though. But what I understand that sometimes people refuse to get help, maybe because of their past experiences, I'm not sure.
These days people see 'help' as something suspicious; as the world is all about 'personal benefits' and 'exchange'. So people are not sure about any selfless act. Also, many actually have had a totally different life, now life brings them on the street as homeless; so they can't let go of the ego/that emotions (as I found here)...
I love how you are trying to make a positive impact. Don't bother too much about other's reactions and responses.
Hope you feel better. Have a wonderful day 🙂🙂

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It must be hard to see so many homeless. It would break my heart.

So true, we don't know who we can trust. I know many homeless have to be quite protective of what little they have in case another steals it.

Thank you for a thoughtful response.

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(Edited)

My experience on HIVE is good so far. Perhaps I pick the right people or maybe I word it write. To be honest, it's probably just luck no one has bitten my head off.

Is it any wonder we don't help our fellow people when we're afraid of responses ranging from no to downright hostility?

Oh yeah I'm terrified of even smiling at a homeless person. What if I get it wrong? I think you were - are - so brave.

You have been here for ages, you know the ropes and your intentions are.good. If they cant hack it, thats on YOU not them. I have seen people blow up like crazy here for small bits of kind advice and they don't let go. I chalk it up to mental health issues. They also have the luxury of a screen (although your Jammie Dodger woman didnt).. in this case, so do we. We can turn off the noise and KNOW we have acted with good intentions.. don't doubt yourself. I'm practicing that too, as I'm a bit like you.. I get horrified and upset they somehow failed to see my good intentions.

This is such a well put together piece. I love your writing.

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This is such a well put together piece. I love your writing.

Aww shucks, thank you. 😊

When I used to work in Nottingham city centre, I'd sometimes have to walk through the city and would pass so many homeless selling the Big Issue. I'd always buy one to read on the bus, but it would also be my defense as I passed all the others trying to sell me one. I don't think I ever saw the same one twice. Any I've seen here are usually at a distance as we drive through the CBD. I rarely actually enter the city otherwise.

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(Edited)

Generally in my experience, people are nice when you offer help, but especially in the case of homeless folks, sometimes you might be dealing with someone who faces a lot of cruelty from people so they are suspicious, or they are struggling with mental illness and delusions and so they are afraid. Try not to take it personally if someone reacts poorly in such cases; generally it means that they are hurting.
There is the "just say hello" campaign that is basically, even if you can't help, make eye contact and say hello, because so often people won't even look at homeless people and so they feel dehumanized and invisible. Maybe doing that will help work out your "reaching out" muscles. :)
You are worthy. Everyone is worthy. Those kinds of feelings often mean that that no one helps, not because they don't care, but because they feel unsure. There is a thing that when there is a big crowd, it is actually LESS likely that someone will help, because everyone figures, well, surely if help was needed somebody else would do it? And they don't want to be the first to stand out in a crowd. Sometimes you have to say "f**k it" and be the first to step forward, and often times, others will follow. <3

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(Edited)

I get the feeling in this case that the poor guy was just so tired. I wonder how safe it even is at night for them if they don't feel like they can sleep. It would also be just my luck that the only time I actually approach a homeless person this was my experience. 😅 It could have been worse, he could have been aggressive, but he was actually quite respectful, especially considering I disturbed his rest. Maybe he was also expecting to be turfed off the bench.

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Probably. One time I came across a guy just sprawled out on the sidewalk. I woke him asking if he was okay because genuinely I thought he'd passed out. I figured if he was gonna nap, he'd have curled up under a nearby tree or something, not RIGHT in the middle of the sidewalk. But no, he was just napping. He looked at me like I was daft for waking him. Sorry, dude. Often homeless folks are REALLY sleep deprived. I didn't mean to make that worse.

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Maybe you can offer some help to my girlfriend @blezyn 🤭 (she needs to find her way around here. Since like the women of hive is a nice community for her)

Jordan Peterson talks about how people who are constantly trying to give help do so mostly out of selfish reasons. It is often a way of infantalizing others, making them feel incapable. In a men's world(hope that doesn't sound sexist) help is only offered when requested because it is deemed that you are capable of handling things on your own.

I try to avoid being benevolent. Most times it comes back and bites one in the arse. I have been in several situations where my benevolence has been used against me. This doesn't mean that one shouldn't be good to people. You can be good to people but at their request.

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The Ladies of Hive is a lovely group, I'd certainly recommend them. 😊

You can be good to people but at their request.

That's generally my policy the days. I struggle to say no anyway, so if asked for help I'll usually give it, as long as they aren't asking for money. that's where most of the scams happen, because it's instinctual that we do like to help others.

It is often a way of infantalizing others, making them feel incapable.

Possibly another reason I don't like offering help unasked for. I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of trying to feel superior, because I know how much it irritates me!

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Nobody speaks to me like that, like ever. Male privilege or just big person privilege maybe. That kind of behaviour has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the dysfunctional dipshits you're trying to help. Kick some dirt over it and don't let them rattle you. I'm sure plenty of people are grateful for the help, they're just not as memorable.

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I'm sure plenty of people are grateful for the help, they're just not as memorable.

That's very true. We are, after all, programmed to remember the bad more than the good. I guess a quick thank you is also not as memorable as a longer rebuke.

I'll have to do an opposite post now and try to remember all the grateful ones. 😊

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I am sad people were so rude to you for offering help. I never turn down help, as I am almost always overwhelmed. And I try to be as pleasant and thankful as I can to any who do offer.

We just had a conversation yesterday, my intern and her mom and my carpenter. It was about the regional differences in the US with the way people behave. New Englanders are reserved and not inclined to talk with strangers. Nor are they inclined to accept help, myself excluded. So you often get a cold response from people around here.

I do hope you get some positive responses to your overtures in future, and that you can manage to make them...

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I do wonder if some of it is down to cultural differences. I actually read a conversation on Facebook the other day on how people are less likely to accept help or advice from women, and that's not just the men. Some things fell into place when I read the examples.

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I see a lot of homeless, they seem to like to hang out on grenfell street for some reason. I had to notice one guy, he was sitting on the pavement in a full lotus position, dirty feet and all. How can he do that!!!

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I'm rarely in the CBD, which is probably why I don't encounter them.

he was sitting on the pavement in a full lotus position, dirty feet and all. How can he do that!!!

I guess after a while you just get used to making yourself comfortable to do your thing wherever, and hang what anyone might think of you! 😅

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I know, it’s the hardest thing to do, I have tried it a few times and can’t even get close.

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Perhaps I'm trying to figure out if I'm among the common or uncommon with these experiences.

Nope, you're not the only one. I had my share of bad reactions from trying to help people out. But I also had the good part too.

I think the fact the homeless guy was sleeping could make us comprehend his reaction more. Also don't forget a pretty big percentage of homeless people deal with psychological problems. In the end, I'm pretty sure he was happy with the socks ;)

Don't let that stop you helping again.

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I don't regret it. Either way it was an experience and it made me realise a few things I was probably naive about before. I'm rather glad that he was able to take care of himself better than I thought. I haven't seen him since and hope he wasn't just moved on, but found a better situation.

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(Edited)

Sometimes it's our pride that doesn't allow us to accept help, but it's also our pride that suffers if our offer of help is refused. Is it any wonder we don't help our fellow people when we're afraid of responses ranging from no to downright hostility?

That part! As above , So below.
I can relate so much with what you are saying! And I realized there are just so many different assumptions and silent rules across the world and across personalities!

Having grown up learning that I get love only in return for helping, my helper syndrome paired with my entrepreneurial spirit made me function in an excessive way of wanting to solve other people's problems to show them my affection.
It looked like that basically: Anyone would introduce him/herself to me and we would chat a bit, and whatever they were telling me about themselves I would overanalyze and quickly think how I could help them in any way, professionally or with my knowledge or experience.

But I realized soon that I could never really establish authentic relationships with people, I was not genuinely LISTENING. I was not consciously aware of them. I wasn't acknowledging their personal existence. I was just trying to ease their pain by whatever means.
But people sometimes just want to be able to experience their pain in our presence, without necessarily us jumping in to save ship.

With my personal experience with depression and spiritual work, I also strongly believe people have the right to their own lessons, and me wanting to 'shelter' them from them can also energetically steal their opportunity of growth.

So lately I have kind of a personal rule to never offer uninvited advice or help.
I do however offer my will to help. And I found that can be a good 'middle-way'.

It goes like "is there something I can do", "do you need any help", "would you like advice", "what exactly are you looking for?", "(tell me) how can I help you?", "would you like any help?", ...

Especially, if I feel deeply in my core that I really have an essential element that can add to their perspective, asking in the first place if they are open to external help (especially from a stranger) can be a good 'buffer', so that the person (already in a vulnerable place) doesn't feel ambushed or intruded.

Here, I took you up on your invitation for my outlook, so it didn't feel necessary to ask you first if my opinion was necessary ;)

I hope reading this could add a new perspective to your reflection, and I'm sure you will eventually find your own 'rule of thumb' that makes you feel the most comfortable and aligned. 🤗

And thank you so much for using that divider, I'm glad it looks so beautiful in this thought-provoking post! 😍

Much Love,

Kali

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I recognise that in myself, too. Although it's more aimed towards family members than strangers. I hate to see loved ones in pain and want to fix it. However, I was also always aware in the back of my mind that most people need to figure out their own fixes. It was so hard to stand back, especially with my daughters.

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Oh hey thanks so much for the Engage 😍
Yes, I can totally understand that, I imagine it's not easy to let go when it's about your children, but I'm sure in the end they learnt to be confident about their own capacity to solve their problems 😃
Cheers!
$wine !

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When it comes to helping/approaching the homeless I admit I sometimes am afraid. Just as they may have trust issues and fear for their life I feel the same way. You hear those horror stories of people pretending to be in need and then they rob you. I usually give/interact with strangers only when my husband is around. Unless I am really compelled to do so I normally avoid doing it when I’m by myself.

I have always been afraid of rejection as it comes in many forms. I too have experienced the shutdown when trying to be of help, in real life at least. Thankfully the helpful advice and hand I have given to people here on Hive has been well received for the most part.

I usually tend to shutdown once I’ve been shutdown so I get where you are coming from. I just had to make that decision that no matter how people react I will remain the same person I am and continue offering help when I can. I wish I wasn’t so afraid to offer help to strangers but I always think of the worse that could happen. I want to be more bold because there could be someone really in need that could use my support :)

This was a really nice thought provoking write up. I am happy to see you make use of my image. Thank you ~

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I was struggling to think of an image that might fit with the concept, then I remembered this one. I'm grateful you shared it. I forgot to use the tag, though. Oopsie, I'm a bad example.

Our stranger danger likely often gets the better of us. I've read that China is particular bad for people helping strangers out and often wondered if that stranger danger fear is enhanced after some of the extremes of communism they've been through. You never know who might report you as being against the CCP, whether you are or not.

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Funny you mention offering friendly help on Hive too. As a curator, I have on occasion reminded folks to make more than one comment every 6 months in addition to daily posting, but I don't know if I've ever seen any results. We humans are stubborn creatures indeed, and we can only learn or have a proper back and forth when both parties reciprocate. !wine

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I think that those who don't interact, even when their posts are really good, eventually lose their votes because people don't enjoy supporting them when they aren't ready invested here. It's a catch 22 situation, really. Many of them are content creators elsewhere and the small amount they get here probably makes them feel it's not worthwhile, especially when they've built up a following and income elsewhere.

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To lend a hand, whether it is accepted or not, really shouldn't deter you from trying. As the old saying goes, ( It is better to have tried and failed than to never to have tried at all. ) Someone not appreciating something they surely could use may just be their way of preserving some dignity. They are the ones that have failed in realizing that some people really have a big heart and their intentions are genuine. Turning a blind eye to those in need is very easy, and putting yourself on a limb to help others will never go unnoticed when all is said and done.
It's a strange world out there and if I were woman, my fear wouldn't be how gracious they were, but rather my own safety.
You've got a lot of guts my friend.

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if I were woman, my fear wouldn't be how gracious they were, but rather my own safety.

Oh, I fear for that too! Along with rejection, judgement, eye contact, ridicule...😅

Turning a blind eye to those in need is very easy

If they're truly in need then I would find it very had to turn a blind eye. Guilt is something I tend to let eat away at me. I perhaps need to learn when it's not truly necessary to offer help. After all, I'm sure that woman could have lived without the biscuits...which she did anyway.

I dont regret approaching the homeless guy. Hopefully the socks lasted him a while and I learnt a little something. It wasn't the kind of story others seem to have, though. It's not one to boast about on my Facebook page. 😆

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Hello.

Thank you for today's report. It was not the case of Copy & Paste though as there was no source provided in that post.
The post was plagiarism.

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I haven't had too many bad interactions but apparently Canadians are known for being polite.

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