I Am Afraid I Would Forget
There was a blog post which I read yesterday that really moved me and brought me to tears because it somehow brought to life one of my biggest fears. The article was about a daughter talking about the current condition of her old-age mom (who used to be an award-winning actress), and how she is now taking it.
Her mom, she said, has dementia due to Alzheimer's disease. It is a condition most common among old age people, wherein their memory deteriorates, and inevitably, forgets.
Dementia a syndrome in which there is deterioration in memory, thinking, behavior, and the ability to perform everyday activities.[WHO]
As somebody who lost her dad suddenly and not able to say "goodbye", she takes the condition of her mom as a "long goodbye" which for her is an opportunity to care for her mom and be able to just be with her as her memory fades.
She then closed her blog with these powerful lines from the book Still Alice by Lisa Genova, which again made tears stream down my face:
"You’re so beautiful,” said Alice. “I’m afraid of looking at you and not knowing who you are.” Apparently "Still Alice" was also made into a film. I think I want to check that out. My daughter one day wittingly asked. This happened as I came back inside the house for the nth time because I kept on forgetting things as I was about to leave. So I told her, "That will never happen, my dear." Although honestly, I am afraid that one day, I could. There is a possibility that I would. It breaks my heart. 💔 My husband says that I am overthinking things, that there really are a lot of things that we tend to forget so instead we have to focus on "the present". But I still can't help but be scared. Each time I scram inside my brain to locate that teeny weeny bit of not-so-distant memory or information. Each time that I struggle to find the words to express my thoughts, or name a person who I worked with for so many years... I am scared. A lot of times, I look back in time through photographs, videos, and the blog entries that I make here on Hive. Of course, the memories come flooding in, though sometimes some just don't ring a bell anymore. These hounding thoughts just made me want to document a lot of what we do in any way I can. I am even hesitant to delete silly videos that my kids leave on my phone. These occupy a big portion of my phone's memory, but that's what they are -- memories! Over-thinking or valid-thinking... the article really shook me to bits. I am thankful I am able to spend time with my kids 24/7 now. It's the best time to make memories! Well, I also hope I am able to say the same about my parents. I miss them dearly and I hope to make more memories with them. So far, I have lost 15 years with them when I moved overseas. I hope to spend more time with them someday soon. ❤️
“I think that even if you don’t know who I am someday, you’ll still know that I love you.”
“What if I see you, and I don’t know that you’re my daughter, and I don’t know that you love me?”
“Then, I’ll tell you that I do, and you’ll believe me."
"What if you forget about us, mommy?"
Making Memories
Arlyn
You write very well... keep doing what you do!
Oh, thank you. <3
We are making memories here on the blockchain and we wil have it for life
True.. Something we can always look back too. That's why I keep writing too. :D
I feel that I am fast approaching that with my Mother, regressing her thinking of her earlier years and forgetting her Grandchildren's names already. Simply heartbreaking as her mental state deteriorates slowly. I have no choice but accept that eventuality.
Thanks for sharing
Aww, that's really heartbreaking, but as you said, something we have got to accept. Hugs!
I know the feeling
Mum had dementia, and even though I was the primary caregiver along with my Dad, there were times she'd forget one or the other.
But her last few days, she only called for the both of us.
Of course, I initially and still wonder if this would happen to me. And so right after, I was big on making all sorts of memories. Then one day it hit me, I want the kids to remember feelings, their feelings of our time together. I don't want to spell it out for them to remember it the way I want them to remember it. I hope to give them enough to keep and make what they will with it. And if they don't remember events or moments, that's okay too. They only need the few good ones to carry them through...because they need to make their own memories with their lives.
Not sure if that makes sense?
But now, I am going to go look for the movie :D
Ohh, it must have been heart breaking, seeing your mum in that situation. And I do get you when you say you'd want to invest on the feelings with the kids. That's of course very substantial. Nothing can replace the connections we make with each other. That's heart-deep.
So glad that you saw that blog and have taken notice, so you will do the right thing and make those memories now while you can, don't delete the videos- take millions of photos and learn new things with you kids, so just incase that day does come, then you will all be prepared.
When my mum was dying from caner a couple of years ago, she kept getting really serious bouts of Delerium that would last for weeks- but on and off- from one moment to the next and she didn't know who I was and could not comprehend things, so to ask her to stand up- she couldn't do it, cause she could understand the word or work out how to do it- I don't really know what was going through her head at the time, so on the good days, we would watch TED talks on dementia and Alzheimers and one of the best that we saw was a woman talking about how both her parents had gotten it and so she knew that she would get it and what she realised with her dad, as he had been a college professor, the thing that he enjoyed the most was filling in forms- even if he had no idea who he was, or who his daughter was at that time, and was filling them in completely wrong, filling in the forms was something that he had done so often during his professorial life, that it became a second sense to him, so he felt satisfied doing it, so she said that she knew that she had to prepare for her eventual illness by learning to do things and creating muscle memory with them.
I will try to to find it tomorrow and send it to you. Better of to be safe than sorry.
I got mum up for a shower one morning and was waiting for the water to heat up when her legs crumbed underneath her and she slipped onto the ceramic toilet seat, broke it in half.
Then about an hour later after dressing her and having some breakfast, she went into the toilet and came back out and asked who broke the toilet seat... My aunty- her sister, said you did Lola, don't you remember and mum had no idea....
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate. When my mom had mild stroke last year, she had temporary memory lapses, I was really scared it would stay that way. Thankfully her memory improved as weeks went by. Moreso, I'm thankful that I was there when she got sick and was able to care for her during her recovery weeks.
The learning new things for muscle memory makes a lot of sense. I guess we may forget some memories but not the things that our bodies are used to? It'd be interesting to watch the TED Talk.