52-Week "Authentic Self" Writing Challenge: Episode 01 — "Roadblocks"

Standard Preamble: Mrs. Denmarkguy, aka @cosmictriage, and I have chosen to do the Daily OM's 52-week writing challenge A Year of Writing to Uncover the Authentic Self and have decided to share this exploratory journey here on Hive, as part of the exercise. If you're interested, I encourage you to follow the link above and sign up for the course... OR you can just use the weekly prompt here, although you will NOT get any of the sub-prompts and text that goes with being part of the "official" coursework.

The laughing baby dragon after whom our garden is named

New post every Sunday afternoon/evening (US Pacific time).

Since this is an exploratory exercise, the writing in these posts will be more flow-of-consciousness and less structured than my usual Hive content.

If you DO decide to do the challenge, feel free to leave a link to your post(s) in the comments section!

Week 01: "Roadblocks"

A lot of things can stand in the way of what you want to achieve. In fact, there might even be thoughts starting to crop up in your mind that could be hindering your desire to move forward with this course (I don't know if I'll have time, I'm not interesting enough, I'm not a good writer, etc.)

It's an interesting first question to start off this challenge with.

I say "interesting," because I have actually explored the issue of "how I get in my own way" repeatedly, and over maybe 30 years of trying... all I ever seem to come up with are incomplete answers.

Some "close, but not REALLY" possibilities have included my inherent laziness; my cynicism and jadedness; tendencies towards perfectionism; needing to understand too much before undertaking anything; lacking spontaneity; feeling too much like an weird outsider to be relevant to anyone but myself.

There are others, but they escape me, at this moment.

My cynicism is often a slippery beast... as I started setting up a template for doing these posts while thinking about this week's "roadblocks" topic, "it" spoke to me and assured me I would have NO ROADBLOCKS to keep me from starting and completing this challenge because it ultimately serves no APPLIED and FUNCTONAL purpose in my life.

Of course, that's entirely a matter of perception, but we get to take a look under the first stone I turn over:

I'm actually extremely good at doing (and completing) things that I perceive to not have much material and functional value in the world.

Is that TRUE?

Re-phrase: I'm actually extremely BAD at doing (and completing) things that I perceive to have material and functional value in the world.

Is that TRUE?

Maybe the truth — and subsequently the "roadblock" — is that I perceive that very little I do or undertake that I really LIKE and am really GOOD at is of any value or interest to anyone... so "why bother?"

Are obstacles really just fears holding you back?

When I was at University in the early 1980's, one of the guest lecturers who came to one of my marketing courses was one Stanley Marcus, then President and Chairman of the Board of luxury retailer Neiman-Marcus.

Old Mr. Marcus — already nearing 80 — talked about pursuing your dreams and convictions and doing what you are REALLY GOOD at.

As always, there was a smartaleck in the lecture hall who was determined to "stump the expert," so he shouted out "What if the only thing I'm good at is SLEEPING?"

Scattered laughter subsided, and Mr. Marcus never missed a beat: "Become a mattress tester; join a sleep and dream study laboratory!"

So, we look what's under "stone" number two: No, I have no fear of becoming that extremely esoteric "mattress tester, no matter how crazy that might sound. That was the primary thing I took away from listening to Stanley Marcus.

What I have FEAR of is busting my butt and putting years of sweat, blood, tears, energy and effort into something I end up getting absolutely NOTHING out of. Sometimes, it's hard for me to shake the part of my sense of self the feels "a little too much" like Don Quixote, tilting at windmills.

What moves me rarely seems to be very practical or realistic... and I'm ultimately a pragmatist in the sense that I know I have to buy cat food, electricity and homeowner's insurance. That pragmatism holds me back. Is there fear involved? Jury's out, on that one...

Conversely, it feels like there are almost NO "globally practical and popular" things I have even the remotest interest in being involved with.

There's an answer there, somewhere.

However, it feels like yet another of my "incomplete" answers...

Have you ever used an "obstacle" as an excuse not to get started? Did you regret it?

I guess we get to revisit my cynicism here.

"I don't see how that could ever possibly WORK and/or BE WORTHWHILE."

That's what I often say to myself — or think — on the inside. Trust me, I want things to work and be worthwhile... but "if wishes were fishes..." and all that rot.

If that could be characterized as an "obstacle," then I have used it to not start things. Some of that is experiential. I am just exhausted by even thinking of putting a load of back-breaking and mindnumbing effort into something... only to end up with nothing. Or — worse still — to end up with nothing while someone else reaps the benefits of my ideas and effort.

Admittedly, that rarely actually happens. But it's a legitimate fear that leaves me with a sense of reticence.

Overall, I tend to look at "ideas" and "plans" and spot the flawed logic and step back and choose to have no part in it. Because... why bother?

What is the longest-running obstacle in your life?

My self-perception that I seem unable to actually make a living at anything for more than some months to maybe a year or two at a time before everything "heads south," mostly as a result of external misfortune.

Whether it's losing a profession to outsourcing, losing a profession to technology, losing business to external greed or just losing a golf tournament because my ball hits a stray rock in the middle of the fairway and bounces into a lake, I really struggle with the idea of a universe that's working with me.

Again, this is an experience based fear. I have more tangible examples I could list than I can wrap my head around... but it's where most of my cynicism has its roots... and where the "roadblocks" arise in the form of "why bother?"

How many times are you going to fall off a horse and keep getting back on before you make the (in my book) sane decision that riding just isn't your gig?

Which is not to say that I don't have deep gratitude for the occasions when something does actually work out! I do!

Case in point: Nobody's more surprised than I that we are still here on Hive, blogging after five years! My "experience base" placed about a 99% likelihood on the Hive token by now being worth about $0.00000001 each, as hundreds of thousands of scammers and spammers try every conceivable scheme and script and exploit to extract one more half cent from the system, while the legitimate user base gradually leave in disgust.

So if we can encapsulate my longest running obstacle in a single sentence it might go something like this:

"A lack of faith in positive outcomes that amounts to much more than a mere wish to win the lottery."

What steps have you used to make progress toward overcoming it? How far have you come with it? What do you wish would happen? How would that be possible?

I keep trying. I wake up in the morning and convince myself to keep trying, one more day. And then I'll wake up tomorrow, and convince myself to try again.

What do I wish would happen?

What I wish would happen is that somehow there were more balance between things "turning out WORSE than expected" and things "turning out BETTER than expected." I could sure use some more "better than expected" scenarios, in my life!

How would that be possible?

Well, let me create a metaphor from the previous example of the golf tournament where the ball hit a rock and was lost. It "would be possible" if my wee "golf ball" of life would just hit normal grass on the golf course and roll forward normally, so I could just go about my business.

Then, perhaps, some of my cynicism would lift, and perhaps my faith in the potential for more positive outcomes would feel a bit more solid.

But then again, this is just a feeling I have carried with me for most of my adult life, and perhaps I actually have a highly blessed life and everybody lives in a world where things are far more likely to be disappointing than pleasantly surprising... or even neutral.

What is the biggest obstacle you faced in your past? Did you overcome it? If so, how? If not, why?

Two bankruptcies? Being sued by the IRS? Being embezzled from? Getting within a whisker of being foreclosed on? Homelessness? Overcoming — somewhat — AvPD? Deciding to stay alive, during dark times?

Those were all "obstacles," in the sense that they kept me from doing things I'd much rather be doing. I overcame them by simply "digging in and grinding it out" till they could be checked off the list as completed.

Some of the paperwork from my last bankruptcy is now in our burn pile since the statute of limitations has expired, so that's probably as close to "overcoming it" as you can get!

And on that light note, I'm going end week one of this challenge!

It ran on a bit longer than expected, and it took longer because "I don't know how to" do something like this and not stop and "make it pretty" as well!

Thanks for reading (If you actually did!) and have a great week ahead! Next "episode" will be set free next Sunday afternoon.

How about YOU? What sort of obstacles and roadblocks have you faced? Were you able to overcome them? Were they subtle/hidden, or obvious/known? Or are you still working on them? Comments, feedback and other interaction is invited and welcomed! Because — after all — SOCIAL content is about interacting, right? Leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!

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Created at 20210711 18:37 PST
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