I marveled at the beauty of all life and savored the power and possibilities of my imagination. In these rare moments, I prayed, I danced, and I analyzed. I saw that life was good and bad, beautiful and ugly. I understood that I had to dwell on the good and beautiful in order to keep my imagination, sensitivity, and gratitude intact. I knew it would not be easy to maintain this perspective. I knew I would often twist and turn, bend and crack a little, but I also knew that…I would never completely break.” ― Maria Nhambu, Africa's Child
The thing about being out in the country, away from the chaos of the city, is that you have a truck load more time to sit and contemplate things. I have been spending a lot of time out in the garden, which is a a heck of a lot larger than mine, so just watering it takes a good few hours - which yes, could be done automatically... but I enjoy the therapy of being of doing it myself.
It gives me some real quality time with me, myself and I... which after this year, I am feeling in desperate need of - even though much of this year HAS in fact left many of us alone with our thoughts... it is not quite the same as being close to nature, with the sun on your back, hair in the wind and feet planted on the ground.
I have never been a person to "give up" on things - especially things which I am passionate about... but I have to say that more and more as the months have moved on toward the end of this year, I have been feeling a real need to escape - from what specifically, I am actually not entirely sure, but my ability to actually COPE with stress, obligation, pressure, emotions and life in general has dwindled massively. I have been feeling like I "just can't" anymore.
This is one of the reasons why I have taken a step back from pretty much ALL engagement, other than what I write and share in terms of posts here and a little bit of design work on the side... because my feelings aside, I am still faced with the reality of providing for myself and my son.
There is an enormous amount of guilt which is attached to walking away from the things and people that have come to depend on you and are accustomed to having you present... but I have simply had to face the reality of needing to put myself first this time around and I can only hope that those around me are understanding of that.
I truly want next year to be a better one - not only for me, but for everyone - but as far as I am concerned... if that is EVER going to be a possibility, then I NEED to take a few steps backward, take solace in a little bit of retreat and find a way to ground myself again.
Life is often incredibly hard to cope with, but it is at the same time intrinsically beautiful and I have always been the kind of person that has looked to the lessons or enlightenment from even the greatest of hardships - no matter what.
Time may not necessarily HEAL all wounds, but it does ease the weight of the burden whilst we grow as individuals and find our true paths once more.
Human beings are not perfect creatures, but their constant strives to better themselves with each step makes humanity in itself a perfect situation, and that is the beauty of life” ― Darius Grant
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
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