Drunk Upon A Time in Mexico

in The LIFESTYLE LOUNGE8 months ago (edited)

Puerto Vallarta circa 1997
I'm not sure exactly where I am right now. I know its one of the numerous dirty bars on the main strip running through town, but that's about it. Maybe if my vision wasn't so blurry I could read the glowing neon sign above the bar and actually know for certain. As it is I doubt I could even read at the monent. Wow its dark in here and why is the bar tender grinning at me? I think he's grinning. Man he's got fucked up teeth.

Never mind that

A voice inside my head implores me.

Drink another one. Now!

My shaky hand clumsily grasps the shot glass in between my fingers and i toss the vile golden liquid back.

"VIENTE!!!" The bar erupts.

I smile, semi cross-eyed, put the shot glass down and my eyes roll into the back of my head. Like a statue I fall backwards off the bar stool only to be caught mid air just in time by a passing waiter.

Oh yeah! That's right. I'm trying to get my picture on the wall and break the bars tequila shot record.... I think I failed.

A pair of my buddies shoulder me and walk me out of the bar. They put me down on the sidewalk and wrap my arms around a light post on the corner and go back inside the bar. It's ok, I guess, I'm at the taxi cue. A cab will arrive any moment to take me back to my hotel a kilometre up the road.

I sway under the street light for a few minutes clinging for dear life to the post so I don't fall down and pass out on the sidewalk.

A pretty girl in a short mini skirt keeps smiling at me. I smile back looking like a goon.

Man that girls pretty flat. And skinny like a board.

I squint at the girl and she gives me a come hither gesture with her hand grinning.

Wait a minute! That's no girl. That's a shemale!.

I recoil a bit and frantically look around trying to find an escape. Just my luck a taxi pulls up and I stagger in. He takes me back to the hotel and I give him a dollar without thinking. The ride cost fifteen cents. But I dont care.

Man it's hot.

Its gotta be about 11pm. Nights are humid and sticky here.

I know. I'll go swimming..

I'm wearing shorts, shoes and a t shirt. And I dont bother to remove any of it.

Man this cool water feels nice

I think to myself as I float in the pool. I'm pretty sure half the lose coins in my pockets have just fluttered down to the bottom of the pool.

Something pokes me in my shoulder ruining my bliss. Its a hotel worker and he's jabbing me with the pool net. He looks pissed and is shaking his head "no.". Annoyed, I clamber out of the pool and plop down on one of the poolside lawn chairs. The guy scowls at me and walks of.

I look at the beautiful hotel. Its aglow in the night, and at three times capacity filled with drunken high school grads. Obnoxious gringos from America spending their parents money.

Parties are going on inside. I can hear them. But at that moment my eyes cross again and everything fades to black.

I'm startled awake. I'm not sure what the time is but I'm certain its at least 2am.

What the fuck is that noise?

I hear somebody shouting and cursing at the top of his lungs. Quickly I spot a naked guy wearing only his underwear perched on the second story railing of his hotel balcony.

"Fuck you guys! You're all assholes! I'm going to kill myself!" He screams at whomever is in his hotel room. His friends I think.

And just like that he jumps off his balcony.

What the fuck!

I stare as he plummets to the ground. He smashes into a large bush below his room in the hotel gardens. The bush flattens like Wiley E. Coyote just dropped an anvil on it. A few moments later I see the guy crawling out of the bush like the robot at the end of the Terminator movie.

"Fuck you guys!" He caterwauls again.

Oh good! He's alive. Nothing to see here

I think to myself and pass out again by the pool unconcerned.

I wake up with a startle again. I'm not sure exactly where I am.

How'd I get by the pool? And where are my friends? I better get back to my room.

I crawl out of the pool chair and and make my way past the pool cabana and head towards the hotel lobby. On the way I notice bloody footprint coming from somewhere in the gardens heading for the lobby. I follow them in all the way to the elevator. The elevator... I need that to get back to my room. I reason using my muddled logic. I think I'm on the third floor.

I ride the elevator up standing in the corner to avoid the puddle of blood.

Fuck it's bright in here. Why is it so bright in here?

Third floor. I peer out the doors. Its darker up here. It looks familiar. Yeah this is my floor. I get out, turn right past the lobby atrium and walk down the hotel wings hall staying close to the wall using it as support.

A hot blond girl comes out of one room topless. Her boobs bouncing. She's really drunk too. She sees me. I smile. Or at least try to. She scampers past me embarrassed and ducks into another hotel room.

Ah heres my room

I fumble through my pockets but can't find my room key. I try the door, and just my luck its unlocked. Whoo hoo. A bed awaits me! Except the door jerks to a halt as soon as I open it. Its pitch black in there but I can see someone has put the security chain across the door. I start trying to wrestle with the door like that will do any good. Inside I can hear rustling around and my roommate appears at the crack of the door wide eyed.

"Dude! I got a chick in here! Go away!" He begs me. He looks desperate for me to leave. But I'm not having it and I feebly push on the door again but the chain stops my efforts.

"Dude... Dave. Pleeeeeease go away. I think I'm going to get some. Come on please."

I just stare back blankly. My brain really isnt processing much at this moment.

Oh yeah the chick he was talking to at the bar... Wait! That chick was hideous. I think she had a mustache.

I recollect slightly about the hours before.


He disappears band comes back a few seconds later and passes a half drunken bottle of rum out through the crack of the door to me. " Here have this. Please leave!"

"Ooooh rum!" I say happily taking it and taking a few stumbling steps backwards looking like Jack Sparrow.

I take a gulp and stumble back down the hallway. About halfway down I realize I am just too damned hot and I take off my shirt and shoes and chuck them back towards my hotel room door. They land sorta close to the door.

Good enough

I think and stagger towards the atrium and the elevator. Yes much better. I feel much cooler now.

I make my way back through the lobby. Theres a hotel janitor mopping up the trail of bloody foot prints. He's muttering to himself "pinche gringos"

I somehow have found myself back to the pool area. But the pool chairs on the far end are just too damned far for me to bother. So I lay down on the pool tiles and stare at the stars enjoying the mexican night sky taking swigs from the rum bottle. Soon I succumb and all goes black again.

What the fuck is that?

I've just been splashed by a wave of water.

That's right the pool!

I blink owlishly trying to get my eyes open and am greeted by the sight of perky camel toe and the crotch of a bright yellow bikini. A trio of girls are stepping over me giggling. I rub my eyes and look around as I recollect my senses. Evidently I passed out on my back arms akimbo on the pool coping last night.

Damn theres a lot of people at the pool this early. It's like 7am

I look down at my arms and legs and they're bright red. I get up and start to walk. Holy crap my head hurts.

"Hey he's awake!" Some girls cheer. I look at them grinning like a dope, semi confused. But hey any attention from girls is good right?

Its way too bright to be 7am I realize. I glance at the clock in the bar. A bar tender hands me a frosty cold lime margarita. I take it without thinking.

"On the house cabrone!" Gevsays smiling "Verga!" He says patting me on the shoulder. I wince. Man that stung.

Its 2pm. Apparently I was laying face up unconscious in the sun dead to the world and unresponsive all day and people have been stepping over me to get to the pool.

What the fuck. Why am I only wearing my shorts? Where are my clothes.

Doesn't matter I decide. The margarita is having me feeling pretty good. Better make my way back to my room get some clothes. I begin to make my way through the hotel gardens.

"Hey it's that guy!" I look up to see a group of girls waving at me from their balcony. "You ok?"

I nod oafishly.

"Duuude!" Some drunken dudebros greet me as I walk past them. "It's the dude! you're a legend!". I just smile awkardly and shuffle past them in a daze. I have no fucking clue what they're talking about.

The shade of the lobby felt good on my roasted skin. A nerdy girl comes up to me.

"Nope" she says and takes the half drunk margarita out of my hands and hands me a bottle of water instead.

"Hey I was drinking that!" I protest half coherently as she walks off.

"Dave!" I hear a group of guys shout. I look over towards the entrance of the hotel and see a group of my friends. They're about to enter a taxi and they're waving me over.

Barefoot and shirtless I smile back at them.

"We're about to go to the Corona factory! You can get 18 packs for two dollars!" One of them shouts holding the taxi door open. "You wanna come?"

I stare blankly at them slack jawed for a monent thinking things over before I nod my head head up and down signaling yes and get into the taxi with them.

"Whoohoo!" They pump their fists as the taxi sets off.

"Whooo!" I do the same, not really having an idea I'm doing.

And this went on for three more days non stop.

Hope you enjoyed reading about my time in Puerto Vallarta back in the late 90s. So much more crazy stuff went on over the subsequent days. Drunken hight club brawls, more naked chicks, and I'm pretty sure the taco stand fed me and my mates cat. But I'll save that for another time.


Image provided my pixabay.com


What a drunken days you had there. But I started laughing when you smile to that chick like a goon. I can picture our your face doing that because you're drunk. And really like a cardboard? Damn, how thin she was.lol

Well, crazy stuff happens to us. We are thankful that we have that and at the same time, we are not hurt. You had quite memories there. hahaha

Yeah i still remember the hits i can recall vividly. I have a photographic memory.

The flat skinny girl was a ladyboy looking for a quick buck from one of the tourists. However the blond girl with no top on in the hallway later was very well endowed and very pretty.

A friend of mine got so drunk that trip that when it was time to leave his girlfriend wheeled him up to the plane in a wheelchair because he couldn't walk. The captain wouldn't let him board the plane. He gad to stay an extra day to sober up enough to fly home.

Yeah i must have looked like a total oaf that night and the next. But apparently i made a good impression because even strangers seemed to like me after that for the rest of the trip.


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Thank you PHC 😊

I am having flashbacks of times gone by - everyone needs a few crazy days to unwind and collect fuzzy memories of boobs and Tequila :)

Yeah i started remembering all sorts of other times from that age when i started writing the post. Like a door that ive purposely closed reopened and it all came flooding out. Its amazing what kinda crazy things we do when were young. I think 30 is when you start to reign it in. Too much tequila. Hell, I had too many tacos yesterday and im feeling it this morning. I dont think i could pull off a mexico stunt like that these days. I feel old.

Whoo! I'm guessing you're the tequila legend, eh?

You know. I dont think i broke the record for that bar. But word sure got around that hotel pretty fast about that night. Its also totally possible that like that movie the hangover a lot more crazy stuff went on that night that i dont even realize or remember!

dude thats pretty much a standard day in Moalboal 😂. I enjoyed that made me smile

Nice! The more i get to know you the more I'm convinced were long lost brothers or buddies in a past life!

Gawd 'elp us...Twins.

And it was at that moment when the twins, located at exact antipodes on the earth, powers united and cause the sudden implosion of the planet.


I had a similar experience waking up in a tent in spain and at first not having any recollection of how I got there. I unzipped the tent and blinked at the sun and thought weird for it to be so sunny in october and why am I camping. Then this lady who apparently managed the campsite came out shouting about how I owe her so many pesetas for the night and I thought "holy fuck I'm in Spain!"

Heh! Were you not in Spain the day before? I once managed with no recollection to walk fro Hollywood blvd in the middle of the night in dress shoes straight across los Angeles through some very bad neighborhoods. One moment im like "screw you guys im going home!" Marching off down Hollywood blvd. Next thing i know its 6am and im in venice beach some 15 miles away. Im still fully clothed but sopping wet with sea water and sand all over myself. Everything in my pockets wet. And i have no recollection of how that happened. I looked down at my shoes and both soles were worn straight through with big holes. I accertained that i waked to venice beach and decided jumping in the ocean was what would make up for my shitty evening.

I may or may not have been a teensy bit tipsy once in Mexico. I haven't had a drink since 1990 so I fully believe that all the statutes of limitation have run their course.

I do have a really good friend that drove an Oldsmobile over some statue of one of the heroes of the revolution. The Olds was completely fucked but he managed to beat feet to the border and he was in no trouble on the US side so long as he wasn't driving.

Good to know im not the only one who has had a few drunken episodes down that way. Good thing the olds got across the border. Federales are not people I'd like to explain away a situation like that too. And i would likely not have the money to pay them off to let the transgression go.

I don't know if my Mexico stories can top this one, but they at least come close. They were some fun days and a good part of the reason I don't drink anymore. 😁

I'd still wanna hear about them! Feel free to share a few here if you want!

You know, sometimes I'm in the mood to relate some of my crazy days. I'll probably write a whole post about a few in time. Thanks for the invitation. 😁

I'd like to read about them. I followed you so ill be scanning my feed for the post when it does show up.

Awesome dude i am still having those nights here in Bangkok it's like a non-stop roller coaster some one save me 😅 😅

Haha! Just dont end up passed out in the sun for hours like me! I bet there would be a lot of fun we could get into running around Bangkok!

No way i have good friends or lady friends that will get us home safely without been tried around a pool to be sun baked 😅

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Do not miss the last post from @hivebuzz:

Feedback from the September 1st Hive Power Up Day

Any story with Wile E Coyote references is worth a vote!

So, you mention the 90's...These days behind you now or nah?

Yeah those days are behind me. Doubt my body can handle that these days. I like a beer or two in the evening before bed to unwind. But im pretty mellow these days

I guess everyone had some wild days. I spent my 20's playing American football and so was more focused on training and fitness and all...But had a few blow outs. I guess maybe it's different for me as I was with Faith from an early age, we both sort of skipped the crazy stuff, weren't really into it. I don't have any regrets.

From what I can tell youve had a full and balanced life. I wouldn't have regrets in your position either.

I agree mate, Faith and I have had such an enjoyable life, sure we've had bad times, but in the main...We are content indeed.

You guys are a good example of love, commitment and companionship. A lot of folks could learn from watching you two.

Thanks mate, thats a nice thing to say. We work at it of course but most is just natural, our personalities combining with the respect and love to bring it all together.

Great story, now i want to visit mexico!!

I have some good adventure stories from the 89s as a kid exploring mayan ruins in the Yucatan. There's a lot to see in Mexico. Just make sure youre going to safe places to visit. But mexico us beautiful band the people there too.

Can you suggest me some places?

Cancun is a good place to land and fairly safe from there in a rented car head south along the coast line. You'll see Mayan sites like talum. Once you get down close to Belize turn west and follow the highways there to superb mayan sites like uxmal and naranjo. Make your way up to the yucatans capital Merida which is like a classic spanish colonial city in the middle of the jungle. Its a good rest stop and has many nice hotels. From there head to chechin itza one of the largest and most preserved mayan cities.

Thank you! I will have them in mind

Hi Dave!!! OMG! What a night(s) !! Can I get you water? I forbid you to go hanging with the @bigsambucca in Thailand. He may look innocent, but, he's not. You need a good influence... like... Hmmmm. You got me. Wait! @bigtom13 although he is cool now, but, he remembers everything.

So scratch that.

Your story had me rolling on the floor. Your stories are epic. Spin another!!


Haha...thanks for your complement and introduction @dswigle .. yep it would be a dangerous move for @hidave but it would be a fun one i would have him swinging from chandelier to chandelier not hooked around a pole then he would really be able to swing another epic story 😅 😅

Oh i think i could match you my friend in chandelier swinging. When drunk im like a gibbon. And yus the story wed tell about our coalition would break hive. The servers would meltdown twice!

Awesome well if your even in Thailand please PM me and we will go and shakedown the town up and get this meltdown happening on hive 😅 😅

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A great write. All true also?

Even the fuzzy foggy parts... LoL

Some of my best memories are a bit "fuzzy."

All true