Puerto Vallarta circa 1997
I'm not sure exactly where I am right now. I know its one of the numerous dirty bars on the main strip running through town, but that's about it. Maybe if my vision wasn't so blurry I could read the glowing neon sign above the bar and actually know for certain. As it is I doubt I could even read at the monent. Wow its dark in here and why is the bar tender grinning at me? I think he's grinning. Man he's got fucked up teeth.

Never mind that

A voice inside my head implores me.

Drink another one. Now!

My shaky hand clumsily grasps the shot glass in between my fingers and i toss the vile golden liquid back.

"VIENTE!!!" The bar erupts.

I smile, semi cross-eyed, put the shot glass down and my eyes roll into the back of my head. Like a statue I fall backwards off the bar stool only to be caught mid air just in time by a passing waiter.

Oh yeah! That's right. I'm trying to get my picture on the wall and break the bars tequila shot record.... I think I failed.

A pair of my buddies shoulder me and walk me out of the bar. They put me down on the sidewalk and wrap my arms around a light post on the corner and go back inside the bar. It's ok, I guess, I'm at the taxi cue. A cab will arrive any moment to take me back to my hotel a kilometre up the road.

I sway under the street light for a few minutes clinging for dear life to the post so I don't fall down and pass out on the sidewalk.

A pretty girl in a short mini skirt keeps smiling at me. I smile back looking like a goon.

Man that girls pretty flat. And skinny like a board.

I squint at the girl and she gives me a come hither gesture with her hand grinning.

Wait a minute! That's no girl. That's a shemale!.

I recoil a bit and frantically look around trying to find an escape. Just my luck a taxi pulls up and I stagger in. He takes me back to the hotel and I give him a dollar without thinking. The ride cost fifteen cents. But I dont care.

Man it's hot.

Its gotta be about 11pm. Nights are humid and sticky here.

I know. I'll go swimming..

I'm wearing shorts, shoes and a t shirt. And I dont bother to remove any of it.

Man this cool water feels nice

I think to myself as I float in the pool. I'm pretty sure half the lose coins in my pockets have just fluttered down to the bottom of the pool.

Something pokes me in my shoulder ruining my bliss. Its a hotel worker and he's jabbing me with the pool net. He looks pissed and is shaking his head "no.". Annoyed, I clamber out of the pool and plop down on one of the poolside lawn chairs. The guy scowls at me and walks of.

I look at the beautiful hotel. Its aglow in the night, and at three times capacity filled with drunken high school grads. Obnoxious gringos from America spending their parents money.

Parties are going on inside. I can hear them. But at that moment my eyes cross again and everything fades to black.

---

I'm startled awake. I'm not sure what the time is but I'm certain its at least 2am.

What the fuck is that noise?

I hear somebody shouting and cursing at the top of his lungs. Quickly I spot a naked guy wearing only his underwear perched on the second story railing of his hotel balcony.

"Fuck you guys! You're all assholes! I'm going to kill myself!" He screams at whomever is in his hotel room. His friends I think.

And just like that he jumps off his balcony.

What the fuck!

I stare as he plummets to the ground. He smashes into a large bush below his room in the hotel gardens. The bush flattens like Wiley E. Coyote just dropped an anvil on it. A few moments later I see the guy crawling out of the bush like the robot at the end of the Terminator movie.

"Fuck you guys!" He caterwauls again.

Oh good! He's alive. Nothing to see here

I think to myself and pass out again by the pool unconcerned.

---

I wake up with a startle again. I'm not sure exactly where I am.

How'd I get by the pool? And where are my friends? I better get back to my room.

I crawl out of the pool chair and and make my way past the pool cabana and head towards the hotel lobby. On the way I notice bloody footprint coming from somewhere in the gardens heading for the lobby. I follow them in all the way to the elevator. The elevator... I need that to get back to my room. I reason using my muddled logic. I think I'm on the third floor.

I ride the elevator up standing in the corner to avoid the puddle of blood.

Fuck it's bright in here. Why is it so bright in here?

Third floor. I peer out the doors. Its darker up here. It looks familiar. Yeah this is my floor. I get out, turn right past the lobby atrium and walk down the hotel wings hall staying close to the wall using it as support.

A hot blond girl comes out of one room topless. Her boobs bouncing. She's really drunk too. She sees me. I smile. Or at least try to. She scampers past me embarrassed and ducks into another hotel room.

Ah heres my room

I fumble through my pockets but can't find my room key. I try the door, and just my luck its unlocked. Whoo hoo. A bed awaits me! Except the door jerks to a halt as soon as I open it. Its pitch black in there but I can see someone has put the security chain across the door. I start trying to wrestle with the door like that will do any good. Inside I can hear rustling around and my roommate appears at the crack of the door wide eyed.

"Dude! I got a chick in here! Go away!" He begs me. He looks desperate for me to leave. But I'm not having it and I feebly push on the door again but the chain stops my efforts.

"Dude... Dave. Pleeeeeease go away. I think I'm going to get some. Come on please."

I just stare back blankly. My brain really isnt processing much at this moment.

Oh yeah the chick he was talking to at the bar... Wait! That chick was hideous. I think she had a mustache.

I recollect slightly about the hours before.

Ewww

He disappears band comes back a few seconds later and passes a half drunken bottle of rum out through the crack of the door to me. " Here have this. Please leave!"

"Ooooh rum!" I say happily taking it and taking a few stumbling steps backwards looking like Jack Sparrow.

I take a gulp and stumble back down the hallway. About halfway down I realize I am just too damned hot and I take off my shirt and shoes and chuck them back towards my hotel room door. They land sorta close to the door.

Good enough

I think and stagger towards the atrium and the elevator. Yes much better. I feel much cooler now.

I make my way back through the lobby. Theres a hotel janitor mopping up the trail of bloody foot prints. He's muttering to himself "pinche gringos"

I somehow have found myself back to the pool area. But the pool chairs on the far end are just too damned far for me to bother. So I lay down on the pool tiles and stare at the stars enjoying the mexican night sky taking swigs from the rum bottle. Soon I succumb and all goes black again.

---

What the fuck is that?

I've just been splashed by a wave of water.

That's right the pool!

I blink owlishly trying to get my eyes open and am greeted by the sight of perky camel toe and the crotch of a bright yellow bikini. A trio of girls are stepping over me giggling. I rub my eyes and look around as I recollect my senses. Evidently I passed out on my back arms akimbo on the pool coping last night.

Damn theres a lot of people at the pool this early. It's like 7am

I look down at my arms and legs and they're bright red. I get up and start to walk. Holy crap my head hurts.

"Hey he's awake!" Some girls cheer. I look at them grinning like a dope, semi confused. But hey any attention from girls is good right?

Its way too bright to be 7am I realize. I glance at the clock in the bar. A bar tender hands me a frosty cold lime margarita. I take it without thinking.

"On the house cabrone!" Gevsays smiling "Verga!" He says patting me on the shoulder. I wince. Man that stung.

Its 2pm. Apparently I was laying face up unconscious in the sun dead to the world and unresponsive all day and people have been stepping over me to get to the pool.

What the fuck. Why am I only wearing my shorts? Where are my clothes.

Doesn't matter I decide. The margarita is having me feeling pretty good. Better make my way back to my room get some clothes. I begin to make my way through the hotel gardens.

"Hey it's that guy!" I look up to see a group of girls waving at me from their balcony. "You ok?"

I nod oafishly.

"Duuude!" Some drunken dudebros greet me as I walk past them. "It's the dude! you're a legend!". I just smile awkardly and shuffle past them in a daze. I have no fucking clue what they're talking about.

The shade of the lobby felt good on my roasted skin. A nerdy girl comes up to me.

"Nope" she says and takes the half drunk margarita out of my hands and hands me a bottle of water instead.

"Hey I was drinking that!" I protest half coherently as she walks off.

"Dave!" I hear a group of guys shout. I look over towards the entrance of the hotel and see a group of my friends. They're about to enter a taxi and they're waving me over.

Barefoot and shirtless I smile back at them.

"We're about to go to the Corona factory! You can get 18 packs for two dollars!" One of them shouts holding the taxi door open. "You wanna come?"

I stare blankly at them slack jawed for a monent thinking things over before I nod my head head up and down signaling yes and get into the taxi with them.

"Whoohoo!" They pump their fists as the taxi sets off.

"Whooo!" I do the same, not really having an idea I'm doing.

And this went on for three more days non stop.

---

Hope you enjoyed reading about my time in Puerto Vallarta back in the late 90s. So much more crazy stuff went on over the subsequent days. Drunken hight club brawls, more naked chicks, and I'm pretty sure the taco stand fed me and my mates cat. But I'll save that for another time.

-hidave

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Image provided my pixabay.com