Psychology and the Need for Control: Help and Handing Off — Because We Can't be Experts on EVERYthing!

My dad believed that it was vital to be self-sufficient; meaning that you should make sure you had the skills to do pretty much anything life could throw at you.

As a result, he was eternally learning how to do this and that and everything in between... whether it was build furniture, fix heaters, wiring a house, working on the cars, growing your own food and whatever else.

0997-RedRhody.jpg

My dad was also a highly stressed man. He passed away at just 60 years of age from a stress related brain aneurism. He was high strung and suffered from hypertension for most of his adult life.

Those on the outside looking in were not entirely surprised because with the number of challenges and amount of "stuff" modern life kept demanding that he should "know" he never had a moment to sit still and just relax.

FilterTree

In a way, I'm relieved for him that he passed away in 1978, before having to face today's world of eternal and rapidly changing complexities.

I am not following in his footsteps.

Whereas I do believe in self-reliance and knowing at least the basics of How Things Work, there's a reason why people dedicate their lives to become experts at specific things. And that reason is — in large part — so we don't have to learn and do EVERYTHING ourselves.

For my dad, the idea of not calling a plumber when there was a burst water pipe had nothing to do with money (we had plenty of that, and certainly enough to pay a plumber) that could be saved, and everything to do with never wanting to give up control in any situation.

Whereas I suppose it is admirable to want to be in charge of every outcome of your life, when it turns the corner of reason and makes you a control freak it can be pretty bad for not only your own life and health, but also for that of those around you.

He raged a lot because his list of things that needed to get done seemed endless and never grew shorter. He lashed out at people when things went wrong, and he lashed out at people when they suggested he just call in some help to get it done.

1024-Eucalyptus.jpg

In my dad's case, a lot of the controlling tendencies came as a result of an upbringing in which he felt a lot of anxiety over have no control at all over anything around him, let alone his own life.

14 years younger than his nearest sibling, he was essentially raised by his three older sisters while his much older parents were far too wrapped up in their own self-importance to give him any attention or guidance. So his life from toddler on was basically controlled by three teenage and 20-something girls who shared in a game of "having a child" together in a way that was really more like having a living doll than an actual human.

Since he had no control over anything till he left home, he assumed control of everything from that point forward.

1015-Sailboat.jpg

Subsequently, as a result of growing up with my father I came to the conclusion quite early in life that I don't really need to be that self-reliant, because I can find a higher and better use for my time while I pay a plumber to do in 30 minutes what might take me a couple of days and a big mess to first learn and then deal with.

Whereas I am not beset by some idea that I want The World to take responsibility for my problems and issues, I have no fear of letting go of needing to control everything. Besides, other people know a lot more than I do.

I'm content with knowing that I probably could do most things... but just because I can doesn't mean I should.

In looking back, I think that was another of my dad's issues... he avoided — to whatever degree possible — to be in the company of anyone who might know more than he did.

We have to find some kind of happy balance that we can live with!

How about YOU? What's your view on self-reliance? Do you feel you have to control things in your environment? Or are you quite willing to hand off to someone else? Comments, feedback and other interaction is invited and welcomed! Because — after all — SOCIAL content is about interacting, right? Leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!

HivePanda.gif


Greetings bloggers and social content creators! This article was created via PeakD, a blogging application that's part of the Hive Social Content Experience. If you're a blogger, writer, poet, artist, vlogger, musician or other creative content wizard, come join us! Hive is a little "different" because it's not run by a "company;" it operates via the consensus of its users and your content can't be banned, censored, taken down or demonetized. And that COUNTS for something, in these uncertain times! So if you're ready for the next generation of social content where YOU retain ownership and control, come by and learn about Hive and make an account!

Proud member of the Lifestyle Lounge Community on Hive! PHC Logo

(As usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly and uniquely for this platform — NOT cross posted anywhere else!)
Created at 20210325 18:02 PDT

0223/1466



0
0
0.000
17 comments
avatar

It can be so hard to find a balance, when we were young and had 5 kids in our blended family it was.. figure it out or fix it or wait 'til we could afford it.

As our incomes grew (and work responsibilities as well) the kids grew and became more self reliant at first it felt wasteful to pay even a weekly house keeper or someone to take care of the lawn.

It's hard to find a balance.

0
0
0.000
avatar

When we were even more broke than we are now, it was usually a case of "fix it or wait" and the waiting line was long.

Balance is hard to find. Part of the problem with the level of busy-ness modern life throws at us is that most situations we find ourselves in become cases of "have to do this AND that" rather than doing "this OR that."

0
0
0.000
avatar

Beautiful man. God bless your pops bro. Its a good point that we cant be good at everything. Not to stress too much, but still be on top of our game as much as possible.

0
0
0.000
avatar

I think my dad was also helped by the fact that he was a bit of a "crazy inventor" so he typically enjoyed seeing whether there was some alternative way of doing things that tradesmen didn't know about.

Sometimes that ended very badly!

0
0
0.000
avatar

The anxiety that we sometimes feel for wanting to control everything is sometimes quite exhausting, sometimes it exceeds our limits and follows us even in our own dreams. In today's fast-paced world, balance is the only escape from a stressful life, and it is necessary to stop, to find the balance to continue. Great post!


image.png
Natural Medicine supports wellness of body, mind, soul and earth on HIVE.
Come say hi via Lotus Chat or drop by our community - we'd love to welcome you!


Posted on NaturalMedicine.io

0
0
0.000
avatar

Balance is, indeed, what we must attempt to find... because the amount of "content" in our modern world has become so HUGE that it's difficult to keep up with all of it!

0
0
0.000
avatar

I'm gradually learning to pay to have more things done now i can afford to...

0
0
0.000
avatar

For me, that has mostly been a process of making peace with it being enough to know that I could do something if I had to, but the three hours it would take me — not counting the time I would need to go get supplies — is better spent doing something else while the "expert" does whatever-it-is in 30 minutes.

0
0
0.000
avatar

there's a reason why people dedicate their lives to become experts at specific things. And that reason is — in large part — so we don't have to learn and do EVERYTHING ourselves.

I wrote a piece a while back (not on here) on the _why's _ behind the reasons we became 'top dog' on this planet , and one of the largest contributing factors was precisely because we were so UNspecialized. (any animal in comparison ourselves, is better than us a specific tasks - stronger, faster, even more cooperative.)

That would mean (following this logic), that as we become more specialized, we become weaker as a species...

How many people can grow their own food nowadays ?...- or going one step further - even have the nouse to put themselves in a position where they can grow it, if needed.
How many people, 2000 years ago, would put themselves in that position?... or not have that knowledge?
I would posit that virtually everyone knew how to feed themselves...

..and here endeth my 'meta narrative perspective', of the way things might be headed (if Darwins theories have any credence).....

0
0
0.000
avatar

I could not offer you a worthy response in the space allotted, but I tend to circle back to exactly why I am considered a "piss poor consumer" in the context of modern life: I just don't see myself as needing many of the things/complexifications that supposedly serve us as conveniences, and so I don't need to call aforesaid niche experts... because I choose to not have a kitchen with 20 electronic appliances that all need to talk to each other.

I think that is the snake oil bag of goods most people have bought into... and (getting back to Darwin) what's turning people into helpless idiots. We have become SO far removed from the basics of life most can't even find their way back there. "convenience addiction?"

Is specialization necessarily bad? 2,000 years ago, chances are the village had a blacksmith, a shaman, a potter, a scribe... there IS purpose — to a degree — to having people people specialize in whatever they naturally excel at.

Oh the other hand, if you take a social experiment like the independent "state" ecovillage of Damanhur in Italy, if you are a dentist, they'll ask you to work in the kitchen; if you're a lawyer, you'll get to teach elementary school; if you're a musician, you get to be a bookkeeper and office manager... in other words, their vision is to strengthen the community by making people work at what they DON'T usually do.

Meanwhile, I love growing, cooking and eating our own food...

0
0
0.000
avatar

Oh @denmarkguy , I can SOOOOO relate to your dad.

And I SOOOOO need to learn this lesson as well

↑Upvoted↑ and ←Reblogged→


0
0
0.000
avatar

Perhaps the teaching is that self-reliance is good, but taking it to extremes can be more load than we should try to carry.

0
0
0.000
avatar
(Edited)

It's always a balancing act between being frugal, learning new things, and recognizing your own limits or simple need to rest. On the one hand, I think there is considerable value in the much-maligned "Protestant Work Ethic" and thrift. On the other hand, I have seen too many people go off the deep end as a result of taking them as gospel.

0
0
0.000
avatar

I think that's the essence right there, @jacobtothe, we need to find the balance in all this that works for us.

0
0
0.000