NEED SOME RELATIONSHIP ADVICE || WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Presently, I am not in a relationship but, I am looking for some advice to get into one. The last time I was in a relationship was 2018, the year I graduated from a polytechnic in Ogun State, Nigeria and since then, I remained single but this time, I have been looking into getting into one but not so quickly. I feel if someone gets into a relationship very quickly, there are some probabilities that the person would get out of the relationship quickly as well.
So, there is this girl I have been seeing or talking to for some weeks now. Yeah, I like her and my plan is to allow her get very comfortable around me, get very close to her as a friend then probably, she might get to like me more than a friend without having me to ask her to be my girlfriend.
Some of my friends said I should just ask her out immediately and get to know if she may be interested or not but I feel it is not right that way because, why would a girl want to date a guy she is just knowing in some weeks? That's only possible if she is after something from the guy (money maybe) or she probably has a crush on the guy.
The name of the girl I am seeing is Joanna, she is also an engineering student like me which makes it more easy to have time to talk to her since we share some classes together. She studies Agricultural and Bio-resource Engineering and I am studying Mechatronics Engineering. From onset, we don't talk to each in school until I got to meet her in the church I go to, which was when I decided to introduce myself. That was exactly 2 weeks ago or so.
Then last week, I collected her number and had been chatting with her on WhatsApp, not often which is because I am not the used to WhatsApp and she's not often online. Today, I decided to take her for a lunch in one of the restaurant in the school (that's after she said she wasn't able to eat in the morning because the gas in her cooker had finished). I used the opportunity to get to discuss random talks, laugh on some stuffs and get to know each other. She is not bad in conversations but me, I am trying at it. I did my best to keep off my mobile phone while we ate and talked.
So, the thing is: A close friend of mine saw me while I was with her and then later told me that he knows her well and that she is already in a relationship (which I have not confirmed yet). He also said she is only going to come close to me to chop (spend) my money and then leave. Then, I replied to my friend saying; I only wanted to talk to her, and not planning on spending recklessly on a girl that isn't my girlfriend. Moreover, trying to get a girl in a relationship with a single guy is less tasking to a single girl not in a relationship and having large number of guys in competition for her.
So, I would tag some ladies I know on Hive, your response would be well appreciated. @kemmyb @projectmamabg @kat.eli @tripode @surrealfia @merit.ahama @blezyn @wolfofnostreet @young-boss-karin and @cescajove
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I haven't read the whole article (I will do it after this comment) but
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NEVER DO THAT if you want to have something more special with that girl!
You will be FRIENDZONED faster than when you drop a glass on the floor!
hmmm.... enlighten me more
Do you know what is Friendzone? This is the moment when the girl or the boy had a crush on the other, but the other accept him/her like "my small brother/sister". Never ends ok for the friendzoned person. Even I have one who we made a "contract" if we are still alone after 40 years we will get together. I was close to my 25 and he said lets, make those years "30" not "40".. I know that guy had a crush on me for around 10 years, he went to study and live in another country and he told me something like "if you tell me to come and you will be with me I take the first plane"... I told him better Not.
He was and I still feel he is my best friend - nothing more..
Smile... I know about friendzone wella but I thought it wasn't so bad if one enters them. I have gone on YT to check on tips on avoiding the friendzone and one of them is to let her know my feelings down instead of just being there as a nice guy or instead she would take me as a brother or a bestie.
i love this your comment, you are hundred pcent right, that is the way to friendzone no doubt
Remember, dating or anybody for the first time declares the future relationship with that person, this counts as for girls and boys (I mean you go with your friend to drink a coffee and from somewhere comes one his friend who you don't know). The introduction is very important!
If you declare that you have interest (no matter what) you will reach the right goal.
Do you want to hear my almost 5 yo relationship story?
I bought a new phone and I was interested to check what does this gadget. So I've downloaded a "dating app". The app wanted to add a picture to approve the account there (if you ask me what was that app - I don't remember at all). So for a couple of days, I was browsing there - I read very ugly things. In my mind everything was for fun, I lived alone and I wanted just to talk to anybody... I made some requirements to who to answer - To be written in Bulgarian in Cyrillic, to have a clean language (no grammar or spelling mistakes) - That was all.
I forgot to tell you that I took a shot of my window shades for the app even I was in the bed with no lights in the room - no one can see me.. guess what an awesome photo I had.
So, a couple of days my man started writing me, he was from another city. Fun guy, he made jokes, he sent me pictures of himself - I didn't. I told him I'm here only to talk no pictures of me you have "shades". So one month later he said, OK it is enough I don't know your city but I'm coming, can you pick me from the main bus station because I know only it. I agreed because he was very cute and made me laugh.
Our first date was a disaster!
Actually that was our first date. I came in a taxi to the station. He was there around 8 pm with a bouquet 😮 but we planned to go to a restaurant to eat something, then some beach bars, and after that maybe some kebap. yeah... Imagine beach bar, music, people dancing and ME WITH A BOQUETTE.
No matter. 2 weeks later he came again to my city... then I went to his with sleepover (he was living with his mom and brother so I had to meet and them)... This happened (the first date) on 8 of August, around 12 November we were living together in my city! Since then we are together.
BUT he declared after our first meeting that he has been interested in me and he wants to have a relationship with me. Around 2 months from the first writing in the app he told me that he loves me I loved him as well.
LIFE IS SHORT DON'T WASTE IT ON STUPID PLANS!
ACT!
Smile... Thanks for sharing this 🙂
Can I be cruel?
Don't ask anything. as you said "He also said she is only going to come close to me to chop (spend) my money and then leave." All the ACES are in your hand - you know the situation. Play it! What I mean, show your interest try to ask her to go our on random time - quick dates. What I mean you write her, "you know what I have 2 free hours wanna drink a coffee after 20 mins (I don't know what are the distances there)" in the same day write her something like "I'm bored did you finished your last project for school? Wanna celebrated it tonight? Let meet in 1 hour"
Give a short time for reaction. In that way you will understand does she has a relationship or not and "how much she costs". If she refuses such "fast" dating, there is no point to continue even if you do like her. You will be the loser in the end - we want to avoid it!
This doesn't except the "party time" (you know what I mean)... if she is ok - you are ok...
I think I should try that fast date idea. it sounds very fun. Just that coffee is not a regular thing here in my country but I think I would try it out later. But from what I have seen so far, she does wanna hang out with me. If I asked her to wait for me or meet up, she does agrees to. I think that's quite a good sign.
Yeah, also try this to be a place where are lots of people at your age, if she wants to "hide" you or the other guy .. she will try t go out with you at not so crowded places
Hmm... True.. Thanks for this.
Trust me there's always going to be a negative side when it comes to relationships, especially here in Nigeria where most things are all about monetary gains.
My best advise will be to get to know her and study her. If you think she's worth keeping as a long term friend i.e if both of you connect well on a deep level but if its just a mutual kind that would end up in both parties having issue, which wont be of help to your mental health, just give her space and find someone who really connect with you on a deep level.
The important part is how you both connect, not the other person she's dating. The choice is hers to make if she wants to stick with you by leaving the other guy. I believe there's no single girls anymore or i guess its hard to find one.
Note: Whatever decision you wish to make, try to make sure you would never regret any of your actions and just have fun. Life would never be all bed of roses mate.
Love hard and know when to let go if it's not a healthy relationship.
!PIZZA
@marvinix, sorry!
You can call the PIZZA bot a maximum of 10 times per day.
Yeah, that's true. I believe there is no single guys anymore and if she already has a guy, it would be her decision to choose who she wants to stay with.
once you make her feel comfortable as a friend, she won't see the need to date you anymore, you have been friendzoned, in some cases she may decided to make you her bestie with benefit if she doesn't wanna lose you and in some other cases both go their ways if one can't bear the heat of emotions in him anymore..
The best thing is to show her the green light now
Ask her if she is in a relationship
Let her know you want to be more than a friend to her
No need to be so direct, take her out on a couple of dates[like twice] and express yourself and what you want...
If it doesn't work out, go your way, don't get used ....
I don't completely agree with this theory, personally I wouldn't date anyone that's not a friend, if we skip getting to know each other better and jump into the relationship we may end up discovering that we are not good for each other.
I prefer being friends first before jumping into a relationship, although I agree that there's a window for staying friends before you become completely friendzone but I think getting comfortable with her first is key.
Yea some girls prefer dating their friends but most girls get too comfortable with being friends that they don't wanna leave that zone, moreover he said they have been friends for two weeks already, he should not waste more time and let the opportunity slide... And his friends statement about the girl wanting to spend his money is another red flag that he needs to know where he stands in the girl's life asap as not to waste his precious time....
I understand but his friend statement is just a statement, no evidence to back it up, who knows if he's trying to sabotage them. Also two weeks is not enough time to know a person in my opinion. But it's true if he stays friends for a prolonged time he will get friendzoned
smile.. you are a funny man. bestie with benefits.... I am not the guy that does benefits stuff though...
Yeah, you are right. I should let her know how I feel so that she would not think I am a normal nice guy and don't have anything for her. And if she does like me, I am sure she would not show it until I make a move.
If it doesn't work out. I would surely use the door and keep it on a normal friends level. Thanks man
Hmm this is interesting, I had to read through the post and also the comment section and I must say there is almost nothing i can say about this situation as @projectmamabg gave a really good point and I'm in support of her idea.
Don't ask her that question, it might be a ruin to the journey you've started with her. What if she has started having second thoughts about her present relationship for some other reason (because of you maybe) Asking her such question will just ruin everything and you won't even get the chance to tell her how you feel about her.
That person that gave you the information should mind his or her business, you decide what you want and I'll suggest you keep up the plan you started.
Keep being friends with her but tell her your feelings sooner since you heard such, it would be best to hear what she has in mind sooner than later when maybe you're too I love with her and she doesn't love you back. It won't end well.
I want to believe that she would accept you even though she might be in a relationship. And even if she is after your money, at least you know now, play wise 🤷♀️ don't let that happen but spend wisely on her while she's still on the friend zone.
Relationships are not easy but we can make it easy for ourselves by the kind of person could connect well when you meet a soul mate, you should be able to tell she is the kind of girl you really want, study her and tell her soon, no wasting time.
Smile.. funny thing is I don't even have any money. I just like every broke Nigerian guy on the street. I still don't know why my friend said that 😂. It was quite funny you know. But surely, I would definitely know if a girl is after money.
I feel some lies here o but you can make her believe that sha, my crypto chief 😌 you that have money everywhere so 🙄
Your friend self know the matters, that was why he told you that 😂
Amen to being a crypto chief and with money everywhere.
Smile, he obviously knows about Hive but not in Hive. He is a big man himself having different shares in stock market.
😂 Amen too o
Be forming ehn 😏
Big men roll together 😉 you and your friend
Anyway, the internet is probably the worst place to seek relationship advice and I personally do not like giving advice, but here is what I can do for you and that's helping you think about the situation deeply.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? Without all the supposed bottlenecks, what would you do in this situation? If I was in a similar situation and came to you for advice what would you tell me. Whatever answer you come up with, that is what you should do. When it comes to love and relationship, do not let too many third parties in, they can ruin a beautiful thing. Cheers!
Yeah I totally understand your point, I just felt to like know what other people think. I have not much experience on relationships so I can't say if my ideas are the best methods.
Sometimes the best isn't actually what you need. Do know that whatever decision you make is fine. Don't be too worried about the outcome. It isn't a matter of life or death.
hmmm Thanks brother. I appreciate your advice.
If you express your mind to her at this early stage I can assure you,she will friend-zone you. My only advice for you is to create a mutual friendship with her for now and don't ever show her your pocket size or else you're ready to be taken for granted because She will just come for your money and leave you wandering.
Hey brother, good to see you here... You came to check my profile. Thanks...
Lol, I definitely can't do that.. Thanks a lot man
And I'm hearing about this just now!!!! Dude not cool... Okay let's forget it for a moment
I'm a great friend but a very unreliable source when it comes to relationship advice... but this I would say, if she is in a relationship, then she should tell you... you mentioned knowing her for weeks, if she's in a relationship then "weeks" is a long time not to tell you about it... chances are she's single and haven't announced her breakup PUBLICLY but that a 50% and the other 50% is what your friend said is right... I like my privacy so that's just me saying "My love life is my damn business"... and about your other friend, I hope he means well because I have seen guys ruining chances of their friend with a girl if they too are interested in her and I don't really like jumping into conclusions about a person... one person can be bad and still be good towards you without ulterior motives... also if she's interested in you then that will reflect on if she tries to communicate with you as much as you do and look at your communication patterns and see if you're the only one texting her and she's just replying to you... if not then she's stringing you along... although some girls do like the attention they get and believes that it's the guy's job to reach out to her and that's a red flag to a healthy relationship... yes it's a possibility that you two can end up being best of friends and I don't like the whole attitude of some people that "your boyfriend should be the only guy friend in your life"... but this doesn't help you at all... being friend-zoned by someone who you have a crush on is a low blow to your gut... too much?
no relationship is easy whether it's love or friendship... I thought about telling you to be careful but I agree with projectmamabg about life is too short and you always will have the strength to get over from a heartbreak
Thanks a lot 😊... I would try my best not to get into the friend zone.
Apologies you are just hearing this now, I am not often active here and somehow, I am falling sick again.
take care of your health, okay?
thanks dear..... I would definitely.
Bro! Please don't get zoned. What I will advice you is this, a girl you like and would want to date, don't start it with wanting her as just friends then hope it will become a romantic relationship tomorrow, no, don't do that, just make your intentions known to her, let her know you have Feelings for her from the beginning, and also find out if she's seeing someone. If she's seeing someone, then you can stick to just being friends, but make sure you let her know your intentions towards her before asking her if she has a boyfriend. If you start with just being friends with her, she's going to see you as just a friend and it will be difficult to leave that zone in the end. From one bro to another bro, tell her how you feel, but make her know you are ready to take things slow. She knowing your intentions, she will know that whatever friendship you guys have, is going to slowly build into a romantic relationship. By the way, I love your response to that friend that said what he said about the girl, just be cool, and everything will work out, be yourself.
Totally agree with this comment. This is as straightforward as it can be, just ask her.
As for the money issue, don't show your hands yet. I believe you'd be able to tell if someone wants your money or not.
Exactly, and you are right when you said he should be able to detect when someone just want him for his money. Thanks for acknowledging my comment.
Thanks man, I would take this to heed... I appreciate your response bro
You're welcome anytime. I wish you well.
It's tough being in a position like this but in my honest opinion. I think since your intention with her is to get close enough to date her, then it's best you're sure she's available - not in a relationship before you guys get too deep into it.
You could casually ask if she's with someone, whatever reply she gives you know where you stand and if she's available do not rush it with her, take your time.
Regarding your friend saying she's just coming for the money, it's easy for people to try and spoil someone's image. Does she seem like someone who's after your pocket? What evidence does your friend have regarding that claim? Evaluate all of that before you make your final decision.
She doesn't look like someone who is after. She is a very nice sweet girl. Smile, he did not give any evidence about that and I don't really know how true it is though. Smile... I don't know, I am a little bit nervous around her. somehow, I lose my understanding of english and pidgin when we talk and start stammering sometimes 😅 and it very much different when I flirt with girls I don't have interest it.
Seems like you really like this girl, I'd tell you to study her well and if you think she's worth it and available then go for it.
Yeah that's what attracted me to the school in the first place. Thanks for coming by...
Sorry this isn't what you want to hear, but if you've been talking to her for weeks and haven't already made your romantic intentions clear, you're in a bad spot. Being straightforward and asking her out in a romantic (honest) way takes courage, and women are attracted to confident men who ask for what they want. Pretending to be her "friend" when you have these feelings for her is dishonest and it will get you nowhere. Tell her how you feel and if she doesn't reciprocate, then forget about her and move on to the next one.
Thanks man.... this is actually what I am doing at the moment. Being straightforward really takes a lot of courage, and I don't have that courage at hand. So I am presently showing my likeness through gestures before going to the straightforward way.
I'm just coming online and got your tag! Yay, you found a girl you like and want to be in a relationship with. That's good!...
You want to be so friendly with her that you won't need to ask her to be your girlfriend? Nah. It won't work that way. Like the smart advice already given here, she may likely friend-zone you because she may get the idea that you just want to be friends. But you know what you want.
I'll say speak with her. Let her know how you feel. If truly she's in a relationship (like your other friend told you), she should tell you outright.
How's studies and your health? Feel better soon and good luck with your relationship. 😉😊
Thanks so much Kemi.. I am sure what you told me is how you would see it if a guy likes you 😊. Still gathering the boldness to speak to her directly or instead, should I do the crazy and send her the link to this post 😅. I would definitely would not sleep if I do so until I see her reply.
About health, I am pushing it so hard and we tank God about it. Fortunately for me, the exam was postponed to next month, Aug 2. So I kinda have some little time to prepare. Thanks for asking. I hope you are doing good too.
Lol, don't give her the link to this post yet ooo until she's in a relationship with you. Then, I'm sure she'll appreciate the steps you took to make your decision.
Aug 2 is almost here. Wish you success in your upcoming exams. I know you will rep us well! 😄
Smile... Definitely I would rep you will with God by my side.
Okay, I would not show her until then..
Someone once said that a girl knows if she will date you or not after meeting you for 2 minutes. If you like her, ask her out and don't worry about the money part. Every girl will "chop your money" but no be bad thing. Normally, you suppose spoil your woman with money.
However, I'll also advice you to focus on her mental qualities when you get close. If you think she's someone that wants to chop your money and then run, there's no need to ask her out in the first place.
abi na, no be bad thing if a girl chop small out of the money I get. Asper say na my babe, I go spoil am but I never even get the babe or the money yet.
I don't even think that. The thought just came through after my friend said so and didn't know maybe I should worry about it or not.
@startstrings01 man the whole community have gathered for your sake this is really family love.
But I will still advice you as a gee 😉 brother.
Smile... Yeah, the love is really much brother. I really appreciate having the whole family on my matter. Thanks for always being there also.
Just showing up for a Hive brother, I think is one thing the community needs to possess to support orders any possible way the community can.
Is fine you want a girlfriend and looking from your story you've seen the girl you liked and also want her to be your girlfriend.
For now don't ask her if she have a boyfriend or not because it will actually sound odd to her for you to ask but still mind how you spend around her.
I will say you still try to be her friend since you guys just started talking for the range of 1-2 weeks. Just be showing her some amount of care.
I will say you continue to make her feel comfortable around you and also do well to watch her actions towards you because that's what gonna make you know if she is into you or not.
I will say you should ask her yourself and make everything official to avoid her making assumptions of the relationship between you two.
Another reason is if you did not ask her you won't have that right to correct her on somethings she does.
Don't ask her if she is into a relationship or not but ask her to be your girlfriend then if she is into any relationship she will tell you.
Good luck man.
hmmm. wise words man. Thanks for the advice bro.
You're welcome man, just read the whole situation well before making official move on her.
I'd say you get close to her...yes that talking stage is actually necessary which will determine if your relationship with her is going to work out...
So make the talking stage a process you only get to be in a close relationship with some you're familiar with it not friendzoneing it just a process I feel we need to go through before we end up together...with time if she has feelings for you it definitely going to surface.. then I'd say you're go to go
Thank you, dear friend, for taking me into account.
Personally I want to start by saying that each experience is different, unique and special, obviously the experiences of others can help us or make everything worse. That is why I advise you to first take into account what you want for your life and project it into the future. There is a book that I want to recommend you called Who will I marry? by Luis Palau this book will help you a lot to concentrate and make the right decisions.
I know that many people have their own criteria but my relationship is based on 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
4 Love is long-suffering, it is kind; love is not envious, love is not boastful, it is not puffed up;
5 does not do anything improper, does not seek his own, does not get irritated, does not hold a grudge;
6 One does not enjoy injustice, but truth.
7 He suffers everything, believes everything, hopes everything, supports everything.
8 Love never ceases to be; but prophecies will end, and tongues will cease, and science will end.
When you understand that love goes beyond what you want to do, that is, that it must benefit the other person before it benefits, then a serious relationship can begin.
THERE IS NO PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.
If that girl is for you, you should not rush, share with her, but yes, make sure that she is not in a relationship because what is sown is reaped, it is law.
I hope my words help you, you are young and you have a lot ahead of you.
Many blessings to you my dear friend.
Fuente
Here is my two pence worth
Why do you even ask someone this question.
You should be asking yourself is this what I want?
Is she the girl for me?
Will this work out in the long run?
Does she value me for who I am?
What do I want from this relationship- fun, long-term value, or commitment.
Do a bit of soul searching. The answers are within.