The Issue of Vulnerability #Freewrite

'Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear but it's also the birthplace of joy and belonging' ~Dr. Brene Brown

I love watching Dr. Brene on TED and I also have her audio book. She's among the most funniest speakers I pay attention to. She manages to tackle the most uncomfortable of issues in a hilarious way and that helps my soul accomdate her and her words. Sometimes to even try and put them into some use.

But I struggle with a few like any other normal human being would.

'Vulnerability is not weakness and that myth is profoundly dangerous' ~Dr. Brene Brown

If you feel like it is or grapple with the idea of accepting that it isn't, I understand you fully. Me and vulnerability can't stand each other. We can't even be in the same room. The idea of asking for help usually forces my soul to shrink and I have a problem with feeling or being made to feel small.

Before you point out my obvious ego, let me share a slice of a dark past.

The issue with going through trauma at a tender age is that you spend your first years of 'freedom from the abuse' building walls around yourself. Walls so high that sometimes you yourself can't remember who you were because they are buried deep within and you only dish out masks to deal with people.

That was me from the moment I left an early abusive marriage. I effortlessly shielded my soul from everything. I never was incapable of being fully open with anyone. I'd hid even from my own sisters unable to let them in. For me, I was done allowing anyone to see me weak and asking for help quickly qualified as such. I cut down my communication skills and fought against my extroverted nature to become an introvert over the years.

When Facebook came, a new breed of interested strangers brought a few walls down and left me for the dead. I had chosen to open up to the wrong people. This time the walls erected had something added to them. A strain of bitterness that working extra hard to hold the wall up for years if necessary.

Then I discovered the chain.

It was an interesting find and not the Facebook kinda interesting. People here talked about their darknesses and communities showered them with support. Back then engagement was so high and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. People bonding over dysfunctional thoughts. I remember relating to many bleeding posts and the conversations I saw in the comments sections' of such posts. I felt like I was home.

But I still had a huge problem.

I didn't want to open up. I hated the idea of pasting my issues on the indestructible blockchain. Those I let in on discord and Steem chat encouraged me to open up and be a witness that the chain can actually support someone but on my end, it was a bloody war. I was honestly having a hard time.

I would fight networking and engagement yet those are the core necessities for being a part of this community. Why you ask? Because even as I desire to have my work read by people or to network and connect, some small but persistent part of me wants me to stay under the radar.

How can you be vulnerable then? Huh?

If I told you this is not what I intended to write I might confuse you but honestly the version I had in mind had more personal information. Could it be that I am still struggling with being vulnerable? Of course I am but at least now you know something about me.